Please help me,

A month ago I just ended an affair that I’ve been involved in for one year. Let me tell you about this affair. It was between me (21 yo) and him (47 yo). He was a diplomat and I was student of international relations. So the first time I attracted to him was somewhat like a movie. We knew each other for 8 months. He always told me that he’s married but I didn’t believe it until I saw him with his wife at an event. But another event at compound, I gave a sign that I was interested in him but didn’t expect he would continue it. A few weeks later, he began this communication by texting me often and in such a coincidence, I had internship nearby his office. He came on my first day and invited me to join him in a dinner. there he told me a lot about his family life. How he didn’t sleep together with his wife and how his children were away. I was such an innocent and I liked him a lot. I empathized with him. In following week, he invited me for a dinner at his place and where all thing began. He told me he wouldn’t divorce his wife but would like to go on with me. Due to his position at work, he could be my shortcut to my desire to travel to Europe (buying tickets, specifically). So I played blind by considering him a single man.

At the first couple months of our affair, it went smooth. Until the third month, I started to realize that he triggered me often. He made me unstable a lot. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I began to invest my feeling more to him. I clinged to him because my purpose and all the golden advantages I could get. He also made effort to see me after work and we had conversation just like friends. We traveled to several places together.

Things started to get worse when I demanded his time more. Many times he told me that he couldn’t do it. He was always more rational than me. But my instinct wanted to get out of that, I began not to care with the tickets and Europe. But he always made it to draw me back to him. I couldn’t help it but suffer a lot in the fifth and sixth month of our affair. I started to drink more alcohol to numb myself, in one occasion I passed out in a bar. I cried and sent him a voice note being so pitiful on myself.

I counseled to my best friend and my former lecturer. They’re aware of my childhood and the root cause why I clinged to this unhealthy affair. But I was very stubborn and easily melted with what he had done to me from money, job, and efforts. I tried to look for other guys but never worked out.

Then one day, he told me that he got job offer outside my country, back to his homeland. I was scared to the death. It triggered my pain. I became so passive agressive when dealing with him in a matter. But again, he convinced me. He did what I asked, including to compensate me with certain amount of money worth for 1200 euro. Because I told him he had family and I had none. This money is to buy myself tickets. But I was wrong, his money didn’t compensate everything. My feeling way too big. We kept going until we parted ways at the airport in early August. For first month our “long distance relationship”, however I got triggered whenever it took time to reply me. Whereas I was aware  that everything is different now but there was an illusion that we got better at distance and we might have better “relationship”. But then he started being distant again, I was accusing him this and that while he said he only wanted to clear his mind. On the other hand, I became uneasy. It was like I wanted him to response the way I desired to and if he didn’t do that, I would be very uncontrollable saying mean things to him. During last October to early November, our communication consisted with persistent arguments where he ended up saying “I’m sorry I can’t make you understand”. He has this significant position in Europe, he has family but I can’t seem to understand. I’m so scared to lose him, but at the same time I’m aware of his situation and my gut keeps telling that moving to Europe will make his relations with his wife and his family got better. And before it begins, I want to end it first. Early November I managed to end it. He didn’t accept it first until on my third attempt after I being so mean with my words until he said “I’m too old for this” and he told me if I kept being negative to him, it’s better to end it.

I had empty feeling for couple weeks after I breakup with him. I asked him for not contacting me but he did. However communication with him made me aware that it triggered my emotional instability. On my graduation he congratulated me and I remembered if he would come to Asia this December. And he said yes. Unfrotunately it triggered me again. Suddenly I wanted to see him, I wanted to meet him again and reminisce our togetherness. But he only has 3 days and said he couldn’t make time. For a few days I couldn’t accept the fact but now I’m starting to let it go. Unfortunately sometimes this thought keeps coming to myself, I want to see him soo badly. I told him in pitiful way, he only said he understood but didn’t imply that he wanted to see me also.

Help me, because I don’t want to regret my decision to breakup with him. But I still think about him a lot. Especially things that he had done to keep me.

Yesterday I met my counselor and he said to me that the root cause of this is from within my home,my parents, especially my father. But I already let go of the past with my family. How should I make peace again?