This is not so much for advice, but more to reach out for reassurance and understanding. I don’t have many friends in my life who can understand my position.

I left my religion (Islam) 6 years ago. I was born into a very traditional, strict south-Asian family and in area of London (UK) where there is a very tight-knit community of people with my background. I am a first-generation child and my parents moved here a few years before I was born. I am a middle child so unsurprisingly I had social issues in my childhood (an outcast, bullied for being a nerd etc.).

I studied hard my whole life, got my grades and got a job which enabled me to be financially independent, but I was still living with my family by the age of 22. I was brought up Muslim, forced to wear a headscarf (and made to believe that it was my choice). I was indoctrinated from such a young age that I never questioned my own beliefs. It took a very negative experience in my life to question things and find my own identity outside my faith. Eventually I realised that I was an atheist and I have been since. I moved out and got my own flat, started to go out, partying, drinking, living life, meeting people. I have a healthy relationship now of almost two years with my current boyfriend.

Leaving the family to live alone was forbidden, and doing so made me an outcast of the family and the entire community. I lost all my friends and my parents disowned me. They said I was the child of Satan, that I was a whore, I brought shame to the family and that I am the cause of all the pain and suffering they are going through. My mum threatens to kill herself all the time unless I come back home and live a quiet Muslim girl life (headscarf, arranged marriage, kids etc.), she is the master of emotional blackmail.

Nevertheless, I have never felt freer, I feel happy, confident with my choices and am proud of standing up for my own beliefs. The hardest part of leaving was leaving my then 12 year old sister behind. I knew she would be indoctrinated as well and lo and behold she has. We haven’t been in touch because my mum thinks I am a bad influence. It makes me so sad to know that my sister never had a choice and now she echoes all of my mums words to me. I reached out to her recently and I got a lecture back from my sister who is 12 years younger than me saying that she can’t respect me for what I have put my family through. It hurts because I wanted to be the big sister that she looks up to. My opinion is that I had to be true to myself and live my life authentically, but her opinion is that love is sacrifice, and I should have made a decision to sacrifice my happiness for hers. These words sounds just like my mothers words.

I think we are strangers to each other now, and they all blame me but I blame my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I am not intolerant of religion – if it brings you peace, hope and meaning then great, but what I don’t like is that they can’t tolerate me, that I don’t get the same tolerance back. It’s either their way or the highway.

I am sad and angry that my parents did this to my innocent younger sister and I think I knew this would happen to her and that’s what made me feel so guilty to leave her behind, but I couldn’t just kidnap her! I was patient and waited for ages for her to forgive me and understand my choices but the longer she is around my mum, who feeds her lies about me, the more she grows to hate me.

Sorry it’s a long story. I wonder if anyone has any similar experiences and has any kind words to deal with all my confusing emotions?

Lots of love.

Afrin

xxx