July 25, 2021 at 6:42 pm #383439kimParticipant
As like others I have an emotionally abusive marriage for 29 yrs. My goal was to keep the peace give them a good childhood and when they graduated I would deal with the marriage. And that is exactly what I have been doing. The relationship with my boys I thought was really good. The last yr. Both have had relationship problems. Both women had talked with me about them not respecting them, name calling, and talking bad about me. Mothers day neither one of them called me. This prob. Is how they have felt for sometime but is all coming out now. They have had some bad circumstances with there dad in the past. I am also finding that he has talk shit to them about me forever behind my back. It not like they are taking sides. I am beside myself. I feel as if my life has been for nothing .helpJuly 25, 2021 at 7:04 pm #383442anitaParticipant
Reads like family therapy is what is needed- you and your sons sitting with a good family therapist who will make honest communication possible between the three of you possible. I am guessing that it doesn’t seem possible in your mind, to have that happen?
If not, individual therapy with a good therapist for yourself will help.
Otherwise, maybe it will help if you share more about your marriage (are you still living with your sons’ father?), and anything else that is relevant to your current distress. If you share more, I will be able to attentively read and reply to you tomorrow morning, in about 11 hours from now.
anitaJuly 25, 2021 at 7:20 pm #383443anitaParticipant
I just thought of a quote by the founder of tiny buddha, Lori Deschene, that may help you at this difficult time:
“If you’re giving your all but it takes all you have just to get through the day, it doesn’t mean your best isn’t good enough. It means life is just that hard right now. Be good to yourself. You need it”.
July 26, 2021 at 3:33 am #383459TeaKParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
I am sorry you’re now realizing your sons might not respect you as much as you hoped they would. Perhaps you’re thinking something like: I sacrificed myself for them, stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for years, and “kept peace”, and this is their thank you??
Unfortunately, when you tried to “keep peace”, you probably didn’t respect yourself enough, you allowed yourself to be put down, you endured emotional abuse rather than standing up for yourself – and your sons noticed it. Your sons saw their mother not respecting herself, and they started to treat her like that too. On top of that, their father spoke badly about you behind your back, and they absorbed that too.
You thought that by keeping your mouth shut and enduring, you’ll protect them. But in fact, you gave them a bad example of how to treat a woman, and they carried that forward into their relationships.
What you’d need to do is start respecting yourself. You need to heal those emotional wounds inflicted upon you (which maybe go back to your childhood, where you learned that a woman should sacrifice herself for the sake of the family?), learn to love and respect yourself and stand up for yourself. I believe that only then will you see their attitude change.