I feel like I'm losing myself.

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    Hello everyone,

    I’m an eighteen year old female living in the Netherlands. At the age of fifteen I met a guy who completely changed my world. We became very close friends. After getting to know him and having spend a lot of time together, I fell for him, and luckily, so did he for me. We started dating for about three months and it was amazing. He was my first boyfriend, first love and first kiss. We created amazing memories and he made me feel like I was growing in life.. until he decided to cheat on me in front of my eyes at a party we were both at. The day after, he broke up with me and decided to hang out with the girl from the party. This is something I had never expected from him. It felt like I didn’t truly know who he was anymore.. however I couldn’t let go of him and tried winning him back day after day. After a week of trying he ”gave in” and came back to me. This same day he cheated on me again with another girl he had just met on Facebook. He dumped me, again, and started an official relationship with this girl a few days later. Meanwhile, he was still seeing the girl from the party as he had a relationship with the girl he met through Facebook. This kept going on for about a month until he decided to break it off with the party girl and swore his loyalty to his girlfriend. He had stopped any kind of contact with me and deleted me off everything. I missed him a lot and I did not know how to process any of this as I was only sixteen years old, but I knew it was leaving me a scar for life.

    Six months had passed and with the help of my loved ones, I was doing better. I wasn’t completely over him, but I had started to eat regularly again and I had stopped avoiding those who loved me. During this happier time, my ex tried to have contact with me again through his younger brother, who stayed a friend of mine, to tell me about his regrets. He deeply apologized, told me he still loved me and convinced me that it was right to forgive him. So I did. I forgave him and we became friends again. He didn’t keep his distance at all from me anymore.. He’d text me everyday, call me up each night and tried to make plans with me every time he was free. He’d treat me with extra and special care. Of course, as I still had lingering  feelings for him, I fell head over heels. After having spend a lot of time again, he confessed and told me he wanted us to work out again. He had convinced me that he was a different person and this time would give me the treatment I deserve. So we got back together and we had a wonderful ten months of love, happiness and laughter. He did honestly treat me right. He showered me with love, attention and gifts. He’d keep in mind that he had hurt my pride and trust, so he made sure I always know where he was or who he was with. He had stopped going to parties and didn’t meet up with any girl. I did not forbid him anything, but this is what he wanted. We went on a lot of dates, I saw him almost everyday and he’d give me the cutest surprises like chocolates when I wasn’t feeling well, a promise ring because he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together and roses on days he felt like I deserved them. He cared for me, loved me and made me laugh. We still had some fights, and it took some time to regain my trust, but we made sure it would always work out. He felt like the love of my life. I wanted to support him, be there for him and watch him grow while I was by his side to make sure no one or nothing would hurt him. I was honestly proud to have fallen in love with someone who amazed me and I felt like I’d never regret it.

    But I do. I regret everything. I regret accepting him in my life, I regret loving him and I regret believing in him, In the tenth month of our second relationship, he told me he had lost any kind of feeling for me. I thought he was just being silly, because we were having a few fights right before that day. I was mad at him for inviting a girl to his home who we both knew was interested in him. I thought I had the right to be upset, but he thought I was being petty. This created a fight that had lasted a couple of days where both of us were being kind of mean and dry to one another. As I was recognizing changes in his behavior, like barely speaking to me, not telling me where he was and changing all of his passwords of his social media accounts, I decided to take action, because I was not going to lose someone dear over something we could work out. I approached him, telling him how I feel, miss him and miss our happier times together. I knew bad periods are a part of relationships as well, but I knew he was worth it to work it out. In return, he told me he felt the same way and we decided to meet up the next day so we could talk face to face. As I was getting ready to meet him, he’d messaged me, out of nowhere, telling me he couldn’t meet up. When I asked why, he’d come with really silly excuses. I had noticed he was avoiding me and when I asked him why he did, he replied with ”because I don’t know what I’m feeling for you anymore, so I don’t know if I can work this out.” It felt like my world crashed. I knew we weren’t each others favorite at the moment, but never had I thought he had given up on us. Given up on me. After begging for half an hour, he invited me to his place. As I arrived, he’d open the door but not let me in. He started the conversation, telling me he wanted to break up and when I asked why? all he could say was ”I don’t know.” I asked him about all out precious memories and the promises he made me, but he couldn’t care less. He looked at me with a blank expression and did not comfort me at all when I started crying in front of his door. As he was done speaking, he closed the door on me and deleted me off everything he owned. About two days later, he had a new girlfriend and all of my hope of him returning vanished.

    We are six months further now, and I’m still deeply hurting. I don’t know how to function anymore. He’s still with his girlfriend, while I’m still  crying myself to sleep over him. I have so many questions, but he refuses to speak to me and he doesn’t care at all so why should I bother him? I still don’t know what I did wrong and I still don’t know why he chose to hurt me like this. I created a horrible appetite, I lack hours of sleep, I have lost a lot of friends due to me being absent, I skipped on a lot of fun plans with family members and friends, I skip a lot of classes, I missed so many birthdays and I didn’t even celebrate mine. I even started drinking, smoking and hooking up with strangers to forget. I don’t recognize myself anymore, but I’m trying so hard. Before, I’d never do any of these and I know I’m doing them for the wrong reasons. I honestly tried finding comfort in friends and family, but everyone tells me the exact same thing. ” You are young. You’ll get over it.”

    I know. I know I’m young, and I know I’ll end up being over it someday, but that’s not what I need RIGHT NOW. He hurt me as an individual. I completely gave myself up to him. The person I was in that relationship is someone I never want to be again, because that person was never good enough for him even though it’s the best version I have of myself. I allowed him to completely get to know me and I did nothing but love him. I can’t bring myself to hate him, but yet… I hate myself. I can’t seem to blame anyone but myself and I can’t see it in a positive way either.

    And then there are those who simply don’t care and are all like ” I told you. He’d hurt you again.” and leave me alone. I don’t want to be in this alone. Not anymore. I tried everything, but nothing is working. I’ve tried seeing other people, but no one makes me feel like he does, they don’t even make me feel loved. I’m not able to return those feelings either, it’s like they don’t exist anymore.

    I don’t know what to do.


    Just tell me what to do.

    I don’t want to hurt anymore.

    Kind regards,




    Dear Nao:

    You describe a lot of emotional pain following the first and second breakup. I do hope you feel better soon.

    I would like to understand better about the fights you had with him, during the first and second relationships. What were those about during the first?

    In the second relationship with him, you wrote that he was loyal to you but you had fights with him, one about him inviting to his home a girl who was interested in him- invited her… for what purpose or context?

    I wonder who started all or most of the fights and what things were said during those fights, by him and by you.




    Some of the pain your experiencing isn’t coming from what happened to you but how your defining a right and wrong choice and so creating regret.  The good news is this is something you can change and a good place to start the healing

    “Many people imagine that there is a right and wrong choice to be made in every situation. If their decision leads to the result they desire, then they made the right decision. If it doesn’t, then they made the wrong decision. Right and wrong are determined by the outcome that follows.” – Nancy Colier

    This attitude toward our choices, as well as this version of life, can cause us a great deal of pain, pain often labeled as regret. Regret more often then not is anger directed a one self.

    The emotion we experience as regret is information that we wish we could undo the past and had more control – (its petty much all ego). We get stuck in the emotion of regret by staying fixated in the past – in such a case regret is a waist of time – We want a do over and then sulk when we don’t get to have one. If only, if only, why me, not fair, life sucks… I suck… down the rabbit hole we go.

    Regret as information is helpful if we delve down into it. We can’t change what happened so we looked at what we might learn from the experience. (honestly – without creating victim and villain stories. If your creating victim and villain stories your still in regret and aren’t being honest). We see we have done the best we could with what we new in the time. We accept the responsibility that belongs to us and let go and even forgive what does not belong to us. We realize that based on the what we felt and new at the time we would make the same choices and did the best we could with what we had.  Regret turns into acceptance. Yes we could do better and deserve better and so we take what we learned to do better.

    “For every choice we make, we use the experience, information, and intentions available to us in that particular moment in which we make it. We make the decision we make in an attempt to achieve the goal we desire, with the resources we possess now. Life then unfurls in the way that it does; it becomes what it is in part as a result of our choice and in part as a result of the mystery with which life manifests, the mystery that at times seems bigger than all our choices. The truth is, there’s no reality existing somewhere else that says, “Darn, you’re not going to get to join us over here in the happy life, where you could have ended up if you had made the right choice and picked the other path.” That other, imagined happy life is and has always been just a thought. The particular reality that would have come, had we made the other choice, never was and never will be our reality.”

    “There’s only one thing we can know for sure, and that is that whatever situation we’re in now, it will change. It will change in part through our choices and in part through life’s eternal changing nature. Rather than squandering your attention on old choices made, moments that are gone, turn your most powerful gift, your attention, to what’s here now. Bring the best of you, your wisdom, and your full presence to the next choice that presents itself, here, with a sincere intention to do the best you can with who you are right now. Be in this choice, this life, this now, and stop imagining that reality could be or could have been anything other than what it is.” – Nancy Colier


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