Hey Darius,

I feel for you. Life has definitely thrown you a curve ball.

When your identity is so attached to roles like “husband”, “son”, “employee”, “citizen of country X”, if for whatever reason those things change or are taken away from you, you might feel life has no purpose or meaning. But that’s not true. You are more than those things and it’s just a matter to discover the real you. The one who isn’t defined by your career, your relationship, your source of income, or where you live. You’re connected to those things, but your not tied to them. They’re all impermanent and can flow in and out of your life slowly or flip-on/off like a light switch, as in your case.

There’s a special opportunity to here for you to find a new source of meaning and purpose and that is within you. And when you discover how fluid and ever changing you are as individual, future obstacles, twists, and turns, will have less of a debilitating impact.

I’ve been there before and I can understand the pain and suffering you’re experiencing, but, as with all things, this too shall pass.

That’s a lot crashing down on you at once. And I think it is totally okay (and even healthy) to acknowledge that you are sad and struggling. Things are going to be rough for a little while. But you do have some serious potential for greatness right now.

First, I’m sorry about your mom.

Second, I’m sure you loved your wife and were really looking forward to moving abroad with her and have a new adventure. And I’m sure you miss her and are confused and hurt by her disappearing act. But her disappearance is entirely about her, not about you and not about your relationship. She hasn’t been honest with you about her feelings, her life, who she is, or what she wants from a relationship or life. Unless she was in serious physical danger from you (which I’m doubting), leaving you without warning indicates a high level of deception on her part. And now you have the chance to find someone who is open and welcoming, can trust and be trusted, can be vulnerable with you and can embrace your vulnerabilities. It may take a while to get back on your feet… in the mean time, be gentle with yourself. Experience the full range of emotions. And take this time to reconnect with yourself. Once you do, in time, I think you’ll find someone that you didn’t think was possible.

Also take this time to think about whether you loved your job. If so, awesome! That will shine through in your interviews. If not, accept that you might need to take a “bridge job” to pay the bills while you pursue something you love. If you don’t have any clue what that is, try some new things!

Sorry if this sounds like a lame pep talk. I’m not trying to give you the “buck up” speech. I just really think that you have been deceived and you have been accepting a crappy situation for a long time. So long, in fact, that you might not even see how bad the relationship was. And that you may have no idea what possibilities are out there for your future. It’ll take time to muddle through. But I really think you’ll end up much better off than you thought possible. Good luck.

I can empathise with you so much, and I am really sorry to hear what you are going through, as I am going through similar feelings. I left my country in order to marry my husband in another country, country which is under-developed and very poor. I, however, didn’t care as my husband and I had made so many plans and I decided to be with him and change my life. A few months into the marriage, he abandoned me and stole from me, I forgave him and took him back, he apologised. He did it once again, but worse this time, as I was very ill, knew nobody and was left with nothing. He apologised again, I called him, I took him back. Third time, I was left completely taken aback, when he did the same thing, and things were getting worse as I had no family, no friends in this country and I was getting worse physically.

He abandoned me after I left everything for him, I felt that I sacrificed so much to be with him, and this is how he repaid me, by betraying my trust and leaving me to fend for myself in a foreign country. I eventually went home to have operations, but had to come back to the country as I have legal issued to sort out. I just feel in limbo, for the last 2 years I have been living in suitcases and boxes. Now I am back where I met my ex husband, I don’t know what I am doing, I still feel confused, I find it difficult to trust again, and feel so stup[id for allowing him to do this 3 times. I often wonder why I allowed him to betray me and abandon me 3 times. Was it because I was in love with him (so I thought) or because I needed him, once I was in his country? I feel for you, as I am still feeling sad and upset and angry at myself, for forgiving him so many times.

Take care