Hi,

Please do not pass harsh judgment or comments as it may break my spirts further. I’m trying my bets to find courage to post this.

Long story short, I was married in an arranged setup (which was common in our communities) in my late twenties(now I’m in late 30s) as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships to a very nice guy who is very kind and caring. I never had any issues with him nor I had any major problems with his behaviour or the relationship as perhaps i was still finding my way into relationship/marriage etc. Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend who was having access to me and my family, i wouldn’t say I was trapped or anything but it was an emotional manipulation I feel or realised later(more on this below), but I admit i loved him no matter what and stayed true to myself. So I walked out of my marriage for him against my parents and all well wishers though I initially hidden the fact that it was for someone I loved out of marriage.  I sacrificed all my good life and invited troubles into my life with this unusual thing any girl could ever do in our community.

Let’s call my husband(who is an ex now as H) and my lover ‘L’.

I had so much of guilt for doing so to H as he had never mistreated me but years later I realised probably it was ok to not feel for someone even though you are married and my therapist told me that probably mu heart was still open and so L could utilise that as opportunity and made me fall for him. L was a married man then though who was separated form his wife which we were not aware initially and also he was our friend so we didnt have any bad intentions or me expected any emotional  threat from him. So he used to sepnd a lot of time with us and probably liked me as well and showed lead in luring me to fall in love with him. Please note that i’m not saying that its his mistake but he told me several lies which i came to know later but somehoe adjusted within myself that he did all these with ‘love’ on me.

Anyways once I moved out with L faced so much guilt and pressure within my family and friends not knowing what to tell them and also began to face issues with ‘L’ either him not liking with whom i speaking or me postponing planning for kids as I was not still divorced and i felt like it was total injustice to do it that soon. so we used to have many fights over these timelines mismatch to a point i fell into deep depression . Having failed all my attempts to tell him how pressurised i was feeling , I decided to move to my family house tempoaraily(we also had to vacate the house we were living in and i didnt have any emotional strength to search for a new property, also L was leaving house whenever we had a fight with extreme anger issues which made me feel v unsafe as i never lived on my own in my life back then) , so these caused more anger and he started neglecting me while I hope we could still be a couple until i come back to him after a small break. Overall his love made me feel like he loves me so much but it was me who is not hinouring his requests and hence he was angry with me and there was no other problem. But deep down I knew he was not right for me(as i kept on getting matured emotionally) and that it was me with a plain love herat took an emotional connection tis far in life by leaving behind everything good I had in life but anyways  i stayed true to my heart and decided that i need to be with him only despite how he was treating me.

In the meanwhile, I found L started searching for othe rmarriage proposals as i was not coming to him and ready to bear a baby until my divorce was done(I was not delaying divorce wantedly but I was all on my own without any family support and back then it was  very big thing for me to apply for divorce and all as i was very naive and also cudnt do all things in paralle as i was receiving shocks of mistreatment fro L and became emotionally paralysed toa point i kept few things away. Never in my dreams I delayed divorce to keep my husband as  backup option . I was really shocked to learn about L searching for other marriage proposals and still asking me in paralle to come and live with him.I felt so shocked and went into deep depression that how could a man for whom I scarificed my whole life do like that etc and asked him the same, the answers he gave me further put me away from him and i became numb and started taking theraphy. But i never lost in touch with hi but always  replied to his calls metings and all commu saying that I was mentally upset and taking theraphy(which probably meant nothing to him as his goal was to get married soon , he is much  older to me which he has hidden from me intially and we had a fght and the first thing that shocked me in the relationship, not that he was old but the fact that he bluffed me on this was so painful anyways i excused him for so many things as im someone who do anything for friends and people i love.

One fine day I learnt that he was married!!!!! and sent him a response( as we were still in touch talking abt our relationship fixes etc upt to that point) that i was partially shocked that instead of fixing our relationship with the concerns i was asking he chose to marry someone just for the sake(there is a name for this kind of relationships i think), he said that his marriage would give space for me to fix my marriage(????) as my husband must be waiting for me(i have never gone back to my husband after i came out of him but my parents tried to reconcile it intending good things and also H was L friend and he said probably he did a wrong thing luring me into relationship just coz i was confronting him and giving tough time with genuine questions on the probles in our relation, also not honouring his request to bar pregnancy soon etc)

I cried and understood that world can be very cruel and all people dont need to love the same way i did and continued healing myself with more therapy, I finally shaken my head and acquired my divorce despite my husband accepted me despite all this mess as I knew I was not ready to accept any other man and cannot do justice to them with my broken and unhealed heart.

almost 10 days  into L marriage, he began to mail me describing how big of a mistake he did by marrying a random girl just to come out of some spider web kind of deadlock situations etc since i was not ready to come to him and also asking himm questions on few wrong thing he has done etc, he was kind of telling me that i will be the last person in his life and that this marriage was the biggest mistake he has done and i also have  a part in it and that i didnt stop his marriage knowing him searching for other gals etc. this gave me so much mental on how he was projecting his marriage as my mistake and stayed calm, but few more mails from him and an unexpected meet (believe me it was never planned) changed the game for me and made me melt for him again!!! rememebr i never unloved him nomatter what but i didnthave any intentions to go behind a married man so i was continugin my healing journey, now he dont want to stay with his wife with whom he says he never gelled since day 1 and even now he says he wants to break that marriage but needs time. i said its upto him if he wants to break his marriage but im fine to excuse all his blunders accept him back only  if he cut all ties and that accept that its his own decision and i have no part in it.  Love for him never left me..

All these events happened over a course of almost 10+years and I’m still here standing as a broken woman who had every good thing in life but ended up like this, he is still working on a plan to break his marriage which nevr started in the first place but i’m starting to get a bit impatient and feeling very irritated with my inability to move away from him and still love him genuely lile i did always. You may judge me saying I’m breaking another woman’s marriage and I’m matured enough to leave him if he wants to be with his marriage but he never was and kept on mailing me sine day 10 of his marriage and i only responded very late after several threads of communication.  He even asked me for a baby in the meanwhile telling that we are running out of time and that his divore will take a long time, i rejected his request big time and i didnt want to enter into more complexities than i was and also felt like its a cruel thing to do to his wife(like how i thougt for my ex-hus initially) so he should take divorce or atleast separate to take things forward, i donno if its good or bad I ended up conceiving  by accident and he  requested me to keep it as he is v fond of kids  but I also kind of justified him saying that we are aging and that we will keep this baby depsitr all odds, I ended up miscarrying and took it as a signal from God somehow despite all the pain it gave me , I genuiely accepted to kepe that baby thinking if i love him i need to honour his request( i have no idea why i keep honouring to his unusual requests all the tim)

Now, why I’m unable to move away from him despite he mistreated me several times despite me excusing him serval times and despite him doing the worst thing of marrying someone even though against his heart,

Why I’m still waiting for him to turn up as he is genuinely taking timeto break his marriage that he never wanted to be in

Deep down, i knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him, please know that I’m ok to go away from him if he is fine in his marriage and im not obsessive for him, i find myself  melting my life at every stage for hid and bearing and paying for the cost of his mistakes (if not blunders) in his life…