Dear Rising Flower:

You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words. There’s a smile on my face right now because of the sentiment behind your words.

“I’m not a great believer of God… but I believe there is a super power guiding this world”– you express a belief in a higher power, though not necessarily in a traditional religious sense. This belief influences your view that there is a force guiding your relationship.

“We broke up several times against my (and his) wishes from the past 12 years and still something is bringing us together”– Despite repeated breakups, you feel an inexplicable force that keeps reuniting you with L. This cycle suggests a strong, albeit tumultuous, emotional bond.

“This brings to another whole point… UNCONDITIONAL LOVE”– you acknowledge that your deep, unconditional love for him keeps you in the relationship despite his wrongdoings. This love is a double-edged sword, providing strength but also binding you to an unhealthy dynamic.

“Disregarding my feelings, making unreasonable requests… trying to control me”– you list several significant issues, including emotional neglect, unreasonable demands, and attempts to control you. These behaviors are detrimental to your well-being and autonomy.

“I did every possible thing to cut ties in my heart but… my heart is always excusing him”– Despite your efforts to move on, you find yourself continually making excuses for his behavior, unable to fully sever emotional ties.

“I have every damn good thing in my life to be happy, but I’m not… my heart is always excusing him”– you recognize the good aspects of your life but feel trapped in an emotional loop that prevents you from fully enjoying it. Your ongoing emotional conflict with L hinders your happiness.

“I began to lose hope on my personal life… while I’m emotionally strong and independent”– you are strong and independent..

A thought occurred to me just now for the first time. I’ll express it following bringing together some of the things you shared starting in your original post (I will boldface some of what you shared for emphasis): “I was married in an arranged setup… in my late twenties… as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships to a very nice guy who is very kind and caring. I never had any issues with him… Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend…  So I walked out of my marriage… Even though L has done so many wrong things to me and my life, I’m still accepting him in my heart. It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life… it has been 11+ years into this relationship…  his circumstances are not allowing him to come into my life… being on an endless life loop.. I would be fine even if  I’m obsessive of him or have great burning desire to be with him at any cost…  I’m not even like that but just melts for his words and say yes… while I’m emotionally strong and independent“-

– Now in your late 30s, you had very little experience, overall, with romantic relationships, and none before your late 20s. When you finally got married (through arranged marriage, not by choice), despite being married to a kind and caring man, you found yourself making the drastic decision to leave your short marriage, going against your parents, friends and society. This indicates to me that you really, really wanted out of the marriage.

And then, despite recognizing the wrongs L has done, and being that L has not been available to marry you (being that he is married and lacking the moral fiber to do what’s right), you are still attached to him. This attachment keeps you safe from being in an active, ongoing romantic relationship.

There are available men interested in  you, but you are not interested in them. You are interested in an unavailable man.

You see herself as an emotionally strong and independent woman, and you are. Thing is, I think that an active, real-life romantic relationship with an available, trustworthy  man threatens your sense of strength and independence, therefore, you stayed away from any relationship into your late 20s, got married not by choice, and then shortly after, walked out of it and you remain attached- into your late 30s- to an unavailable and untrustworthy/ unreliable man.. so, to.. remain strong and independent.

You shared above that you are not obsessive of him and that you do not have great burning desire to be with him at any cost.. so, seems to me that his role in your life is to keep you away from a relationship with a trustworthy, available man, keeping yourself strong and independent as a single woman.

I think that L is someone who has served, over the last 11 years or so, to keep you emotionally occupied, so that you are not emotionally available to engage in a new relationship. This dynamic helps explain your continued attachment despite the downsides.

In general, many people who have been through difficult emotional experiences cultivate a strong sense of independence as a way to cope. They take pride in their ability to handle life on their own and see themselves as emotionally self-sufficient. Entering into a new, real-life relationship with an available and trustworthy partner can challenge this self-perception because being in a relationship often requires interdependence, where both partners rely on each other for emotional support. This can feel like a threat to their carefully constructed sense of independence.

Maintaining an attachment to an unavailable partner can provide a sense of control. The dynamics are predictable, and there’s a known distance that can be maintained. This control can feel safe and stable. A new relationship with an available and trustworthy person introduces unpredictability and the potential for deep emotional connection. This can be intimidating because it requires stepping out of the comfort zone and risking emotional exposure.

Any of this reads true to you, Rising Flower?

anita