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I Feel That I Don't Deserve to be Happy

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  • #192767
    Lucas
    Participant

    Hello, everyone. I hope you are doing well. I have introduced myself on these forums before, and I would like to thank you for the advice and support that you have given me. I have decided, given that my mental condition has deteriorated, that it was probably time for me to see a therapist again.

    I must admit, that I feel quite a bit better only a few weeks later, but something doesn’t seem quite right: I continue to question whether I actually deserve to feel this normal when so many people are in great pain.  I often wonder if I am not being selfish and greedy. A big part of me says very strongly that I deserve to feel pain, and to be honest, even the process of being genuinely content where I do not have to listen to the abusive voice in my head feels a little bit unsettling.

    Is it normal to feel this way, or is this perhaps the result of years of untreated clinical depression? Part of me, as messed up as it sounds, is looking forward to psychological torment. It’s a strange kind of drug for me that I have a strong urge to get back to, despite how bad it actually is for me.

    #192871
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lucas:

    Reads to me that you have this core belief that you are guilty. Attached to this core belief is the next: that you don’t deserve to be happy. When you feel temporarily happy or content, the guilt is triggered and you suffer.

    I hope that in therapy you unearth the first core belief I mentioned, that you are guilty, challenge that core belief. Once challenged and resolved (will probably take a long, long time and lots of work), then the second core belief will be resolved: you will not longer believe that you deserve to be punished, that you deserve to suffer.

    And then, when you feel content, you will feel the beginning of that guilty feeling, you will pause for a moment, and say to yourself: But I am not guilty… It is okay for me to feel okay, what a relief!

    anita

     

    #193189
    Stephanie
    Participant

    Hello Lucas,

    I do understand your feeling. I have felt depressed most of my life and I do “enjoy” this feeling. It’s something I know… kind of comforting in a way… but I am working very hard to break this cycle since it is not healthy and I want to be happy most of the time at one point in my life. Since you are here, I feel that is your goal too. 🙂

    The first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. A lot of people are in unhealthy patterns. You are not a bad person because of that. You’re just human. The good news is that you are aware of it and you want to change things.

    Are you in therapy? If not, I would suggest you to seek the help of a professional to break the pattern. Are there free services in your city/country for this? If so, there is usually a long waiting time but still worth a try, don’t you think?

    Why would you think you do not deserve happiness? I understand that so many people suffer on Earth but making you feel bad does not help them. You could take some time to help the people in need and do some volunteering? That’s just a thought 🙂 I did for some time and it did help a bit.

    I wish you the best of luck Lucas. Let us know if you feel better this week!

    Have a good one.

    Stephie

    #193449
    Lucas
    Participant

    Hey, Stephanie

    Thank you for responding to my post.  I struggle with a variety of psychological issues that I am trying to address with therapy. I have an appointment set up for this Thursday.

    To answer your question, I believe that I am unworthy of happiness because I myself am so fundamentally flawed and useless that I feel that I don’t deserve it. It’s hard to explain exactly in words, but I feel deep down that the main problem with me is that I am me. I feel as if I am some sort of defect that probably shouldn’t even exist at all. I’ve felt this way for most of my life, even this weekend when I went up to visit a friend who is struggling with depression, I still feel this way, as if I am trying to fool myself into believing that I’m worthwhile when I know deep down inside that I am not.

    My therapist has asked me to consider whether this is the depression talking, and I really don’t think it is.

     

    #193453
    Lucas
    Participant

    I already volunteer as well in an adult education center and teaching immigrants English at the library, but it seems this only compounds the issue, as I still feel like a fraud, it doesn’t really matter what I do.

    #194709
    Lucas
    Participant

    I have recently been discussing with my therapist about this very issue, and she said that my case was slightly unusual. Whereas most people with depression are trying to fill up a metaphorical cup, it seems that my cup has a hole at the bottom of it, so any of the things that I try to fill it with are here one day and gone the next. In a sense, any joy that I do get from activity is brief when it comes to having to face the music of my own mind.

    I’m trying my best by going to therapy to figure this out, but to be honest, I think that my illness is such an integral part of me that it might not ever go away.  It seems that even when I am happy briefly, it has  a weighted quality to it. It’s hard to explain in words, but that’s what I feel.

    So far I’ve been coping by doing some activities that I used to do as a kid, mainly reading and writing poetry and stories. Being able to express the pain I feel inside of me through the use of stories and words is strangely liberating. I can’t say that my stories will bring me much success, but they do help me deal with some incredibly dark images that I have in my head.

    #194769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lucas:

    I am curious, regarding your most recent post, how your case is slightly unusual: you wrote that most people try to fill a metaphorical cup and so do you, only your cup has a hole at the bottom and what you fill in one day is gone the next.

    Do you mean that other depressed people’s metaphorical cups do not have holes at the bottom and so what they fill in stays there?

    anita

    #194913
    Lucas
    Participant

    Hello, Anita. Looking back at my post, I suppose I could have worded things better. I guess what I was meaning to say is that a lot of people with depression are trying to find things that will help them feel better about themselves again. In my case, I am theoretically doing things that should make me feel better about myself, and they do, but it’s only for a short while until I am back from my default mode of thinking.

    Today was a rather good day. I worked at a pre-school and got to help young kids learn. At one point, one of the very shy ones came up to me and gave me a hug. It warmed my heart, truth be told.

    I need to learn to hang onto these moments while I still have them because if I don’t, they will be gone, and I will remain a prisoner to my own mind.

    #194979
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lucas:

    When we believe things about ourselves that are not true to reality, we suffer, and we are prisoners of our own mind. You believe that you are selfish and greedy (“I often wonder if I am not being selfish and greedy”) and that you deserve therefore to feel pain (“A big part of me says very strongly that I deserve to feel pain”).

    Yesterday, at a preschool, a shy child gave you a hug. It warmed your heart. His hug was evidence that yesterday, in your interactions with that child, you were not selfish. It warmed your heart.

    That experienced filled in that metaphorical cup.

    But there is a hole at the bottom. The hole is that belief that you are selfish and greedy and that you deserve pain. I do hope you work  on this belief, this core belief in therapy.

    anita

    #204959
    Doris
    Participant

    Hi Lucas,

    We tend to do those things, compare to other people and believe that they deserve love but we don’t, and I don’t think it actually works like that. Lets think of it in a rational way, what makes other people more deserving than you. I mean, we ALL have flaws, why are their flaws or personalities less importante or more appealing that ours. I think it depends on the perspective of the person who sees the flaws, I  mean, what may be flawed for me may be perfect for you. So there is no one who desereves more or lless love. We are all the same. Its just that sometimes we are so into our  thoughts that we fail to see that and se that we have the same value and deserve the same love as anyone else.

    #204967
    Lucas
    Participant

    Hey, Doris. Thank you for your reply. It has been quite some time since I have been on here, but since then, I have had deep moments of contemplation and have begun to question why I feel this way. I’m not sure if it was therapy or something else, but my mood has been quite good lately, and my self-depreciating thoughts are not quite so strong anymore.

    Since attending therapy, I took it upon myself to read or listen to a book for at least 30 minutes a night, and one of the first books that I read/listened to was the Teachings of the Buddha, and then after that, I did the same with the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, and then further with Man’s Search for Meaning, and now I am listening to Nitchze’s “Beyond Good and Evil,” and as I examine every one that I have listened to/ read, I recognize a pattern, and it is that no one or society can ever tell us our value, what makes us happy, how we find fufillment- we have to find it for ourselves.

    One particularly powerful theme I  took away from “Man’s Search for Meaning” is that we should never base our happiness or sense of value on things that are transitory. For when everything is taken away from you, it will be of little consequence. The one and only freedom we have is to choose how we want to perceive our own circumstances and knowing this to be true, I focus on what I can do to make the most of my time in the present moment, rather than fretting over goals or unmet potential.

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