Hey, Stephanie

Thank you for responding to my post.  I struggle with a variety of psychological issues that I am trying to address with therapy. I have an appointment set up for this Thursday.

To answer your question, I believe that I am unworthy of happiness because I myself am so fundamentally flawed and useless that I feel that I don’t deserve it. It’s hard to explain exactly in words, but I feel deep down that the main problem with me is that I am me. I feel as if I am some sort of defect that probably shouldn’t even exist at all. I’ve felt this way for most of my life, even this weekend when I went up to visit a friend who is struggling with depression, I still feel this way, as if I am trying to fool myself into believing that I’m worthwhile when I know deep down inside that I am not.

My therapist has asked me to consider whether this is the depression talking, and I really don’t think it is.

I have recently been discussing with my therapist about this very issue, and she said that my case was slightly unusual. Whereas most people with depression are trying to fill up a metaphorical cup, it seems that my cup has a hole at the bottom of it, so any of the things that I try to fill it with are here one day and gone the next. In a sense, any joy that I do get from activity is brief when it comes to having to face the music of my own mind.

I’m trying my best by going to therapy to figure this out, but to be honest, I think that my illness is such an integral part of me that it might not ever go away.  It seems that even when I am happy briefly, it has  a weighted quality to it. It’s hard to explain in words, but that’s what I feel.

So far I’ve been coping by doing some activities that I used to do as a kid, mainly reading and writing poetry and stories. Being able to express the pain I feel inside of me through the use of stories and words is strangely liberating. I can’t say that my stories will bring me much success, but they do help me deal with some incredibly dark images that I have in my head.

Hello, Anita. Looking back at my post, I suppose I could have worded things better. I guess what I was meaning to say is that a lot of people with depression are trying to find things that will help them feel better about themselves again. In my case, I am theoretically doing things that should make me feel better about myself, and they do, but it’s only for a short while until I am back from my default mode of thinking.

Today was a rather good day. I worked at a pre-school and got to help young kids learn. At one point, one of the very shy ones came up to me and gave me a hug. It warmed my heart, truth be told.

I need to learn to hang onto these moments while I still have them because if I don’t, they will be gone, and I will remain a prisoner to my own mind.