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I Feel Utterly Lost

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  • #185483
    Sash
    Participant

    Hello.  I’ll start by saying that I’ve had issues with both depression and anxiety for over 20 years.  I’ve been hospitalized.  In the past, I’ve had to drop out of school and leave work because of my illness.  I’m 44 and still live with my parents.  I recently had another relapse of depression which lasted 4 months.  I have a psychiatrist, but it feels like things have degenerated to simply keeping my symptoms at bay.  Maintenance of my ‘chemistry’ etc.  Whilst I have more or less recovered, its now a situation of feeling utterly lost.  Like I have no purpose or reason for being alive.  Although I have reconnected with some of my friends and spend several hours a day doing my art, the sense of feeling lost, hopeless and ‘I don’t know what to really do with myself’ persists.  During my relapse, my father was rushed to emergency because of a problem with his lungs.  As I watched the ambulance drive away with both my parents inside, my thoughts turned to their eventual death.  Firstly, I had no idea what was truly happening with my father.  Thankfully he’s OK now.  But a day will come when my mother and father will leave this earth.  I feel that reality will crash upon me like a wave.  I will be completely alone.  Because of my illness, I am still dependent on them.  I am not a self-sufficient person.  How will I cope?!  I’ve been having thoughts of suicide and ‘escape’ in response to both of these things.  I plan on speaking to my psychiatrist about these issues when next we meet, but there is no medication he can prescribe for it.  Surely this is an existential problem.  But I feel like I have no answer.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

    #185519
    AnaO
    Participant

    You are not alone in this feeling. I’m glad you are seeking help through a professional. Do you have regular counseling sessions? I’m in no way qualified to give advice about this but I have suffered depression, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar for 25 years. I am just now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m glad you’re here.

    #185579
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sash:

    As humans, we are the only animals aware, when we are young and healthy, and otherwise, aware of the fact that we and everyone we know will surely die. And that we, and anyone we know can get sick at any time. This by itself is enough to cause anxiety. So I figure some anxiety is the human condition.

    I am curious: you wrote that at 44 you had issues with anxiety and depression for over twenty years. Before that, no such issues?

    anita

    #185619
    Sash
    Participant

    I suppose I’ve had issues with mood since my teens.  I began isolating myself during high school, not ‘knowing’ that I was suffering from social anxiety.  But It wasn’t until my early 20s – when I had a complete breakdown – that I was diagnosed.  Technically I have type II bipolar depression and a generalized anxiety disorder.  Definitely a bit of OCD too.

    #185623
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sash:

    The title of your thread is “I Feel Utterly Lost”- I believe it is the anxiety, the ongoing fear that is keeping you lost. Anxiety is like fog, and the more of it, the more dense the fog. Can’t see much through it.

    Seeing through the fog requires relaxing, but not only initially, but throughout, again and again.

    You wrote that you still live with your parents- never left home, then? If you would like to share about your relationships with your parents, past and present, as it may relate to your anxiety, please do.

    anita

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