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I fell in love with someone ,I might not be able to marry.

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  • #268579
    seeker
    Participant

    Hi, I believe you wont’t  judge me after hearing my story. I am approx 32 years old bachelor and belong to Hindu community in India. The moment I entered my teenage years , i started developing strong romantic /sexual feelings. During the same age I left my previous school to join the other school. In my previous school I used to be the topper of my class and everyone from teacher to student would love me for that. The moment I joined the new school, my insecurites and fear started taking over me. I used to be the shortest guy in the class (Right now ,I am 5’3”)with a burn scar on half of my face. In the new school, students and even teachers would tease me for my short height. I started feeling so bad about myself. I did a lot of exercise and yoga but to no vain. I was approx 12 years at that time. When I was 16, I developed my first crush over one of my class mates. She was very beautiful and had a very sweet voice. But I never dared to propose her because I thought she would never accept my proposal. During this phase I developed quite huge inferiority complex, which continues till today. Though I left the school in 2004 , I had crush over this girl till 2008 which I never told to anyone. Meanwhile during this phase I developed a fantasy that my girlfriend should be someone very pretty with a very beautiful voice , talkative but understanding. Again in 2012 and 2014 I had crush over two different girls but I never dared to propose them. Besides they already had boyfriends. I developed such a huge need for a romantic relationship.My period of crushes were vey depressing ,as I would keep self sabotaging myself and even developed depression in earlier phase. So having a romantic relationship became quite impossible for me.

    I remember during this phase , I started talking to my first cousin (My mother’s sister’s daughter).Initially we used to talk very less(usually 15-3o days). This all started in 2012. I used to get very positive vibes whenever I talked to her but I never thought of having a relationship with her, as she is my cousin . She is very pretty with a very sweet voice, she is quite talkative , but very understanding and really  very good human being in true sense. She has all the qualities which I had ever fantasized about in a good life partner. We have been best friends for last 5-6 years. I realized , 2 years ago that I had started developing romantic feelings for her. I quite suppressed it initially but I let her know about this in Feb.Still she was quite supportive, as we decided we will never let this feeling come between our friendship. In May, she told me she has a boyfriend and I was quite annoyed at her for not letting me know about this initially. Though since I proposed her, our frequency of talking increased quite further(Daily).In September, my aunt got to know about my feelings for her and last week ,  we had a fight over her boyfriend, which her mom heard. And since then we have kind of stopped talking. My cousin has told me that our relationship is not possible because we are in First cousin relationship.In our society , its unacceptable and illegal. I want to find out a way to marry her because she has been the only girl so close to me ,ever in my life. She is all I had ever dreamt for. She is my best friend, quite understanding and sensitive, talkative, pretty with a pretty voice. For me its like an oasis in the desert. I really dont know how to deal with this situation. This all has become a trauma for me and I am in real pain. Its like my life is falling apart. Its like God gave me someone so beautiful  human being I would have ever asked for and then snatched her away.

    #268729
    anita
    Participant

    Dear seeker:

    Welcome back!

    Your user name, seeker, reminds me of the sentence in the bible, “seek, and ye shall  find”. You need a woman in your life, to love and be loved, to  marry, I suppose, not? Well, seek and you shall find. It is not your first cousin, it has  to be someone else. Of all the women in India, there has  to be another woman who is understanding, sensitive, talkative, pretty with a pretty voice.

    You just have  to have the courage to seek her.

    What do you think?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by anita.
    #268813
    seeker
    Participant

    Given my past, I am really very afraid.

    #268817
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi seeker,

    It happens to everyone. Long ago a guy fell for me… who turned out to be my second cousin!! Then only people freaking out were our extended family. (My dad had no problem with it!) So no guilt, OK? It happens.

    Forgive me if I’m totally mistaken, but do you have arranged marriages in your country? What do your parents say? Have someone else set you up or introduce you to people.

    I’ve fallen for shorter guys myself. And a scar just gives you character! View things that way.

    What you need is confidence. The worst thing that can happen is someone says no thank you. So what? That just means your life stays the same, and your life’s not so bad. But if (WHEN!) someone says yes, that’s just a new experience.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #268827
    anita
    Participant

    Dear seeker:

    More than three years ago you wrote: “All my life, I have been teased and made fun of”, referring to your height of 5’3”. It is scary, the thought of being made fun of one more time, to  be rejected one more  time.

    Some men are scared of  being  rejected for being  too tall, too intimidating looking. There  is hardly a person who is satisfied with their looks. Even movie stars admired by many millions  for their looks, maybe they, especially, more than  other people, get distressed as they age and  lose their youthful beauty.

    Probably all the  women who rejected you, reject a part or parts of their own looks.

    You wrote in your recent post that you are scared. I understand. I am scared too. We are all scared. It just looks like others are not scared,  when  they smile and look so carefree, but it is not true-

    we are all scared.

    Remember that when you are  out and about, seeing  other people, women- they are  scared too. Knowing this, seeing  this, may give you that bit of courage to finally have the  relationship you always wanted.

    anita

    #268837
    seeker
    Participant

    Hi Inky, Initially I used to feel guilty..but now I don’t. Somewhere I know , I am not wrong because I have fallen for someone I have even rarely met(only 2 times.). Usually, you will get the sibling feeling from cousin when you have spent too much time with them as siblings.All of our interactions happen over call. How can society and family expect me not to fall for someone, who I share such a great bonding with?

    Somewhere I do realize  that though society judges us based on our looks, I have diminished my chances by being too insecure about my height. In recent years , I have started interacting more with girls, and have come to know most of the girls are not as judgemental once they get to know you.

    Yes , Arranged marriage is quite prevalent in India. But the bad part of arranged marriage is, people first go for the looks. And yes , you are really true, that I have not even tried , as I was always too afraid of being rejected. My cousin was someone, who I could easily approach too. Besides, she is a very good human being and has always been very supportive. Whenever we talk, she gives those good vibes and  is too proud of me and that gives me great confidence as she is someone who has accepted me completely even when I have never been able to do so. She has never been concerned about my insecurities and hose things never mattered to her.

    #268841
    seeker
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your kind words. Right, I need to work on how I feel about myself and keep trying.

    #269093
    NeoVizion
    Participant

    Retreat from seeking a relationship with a women, until you build a relationship with yourself.

    Only when you have gained self-love, self-appreciation, and self-confidence will you truly be ready to encounter and eventually marry the women of your dreams.

    Please, for your own mental and emotional safety, become complete in yourself  first. Become whole so that you don’t need a “half”.

    Seeker, remember that a relationship/marriage is only supposed to be an enhancement to a life of yours that is ALREADY awesome. If you seek a relationship, and enter one depending ONLY on that person for your mental and emotional happiness, as well as a sense of value for yourself, you will be setting yourself up for a major fail my friend.

    Complete yourself first…

    #271887
    seeker
    Participant

    Thank you so much NeoVizion.  It is very true. Throughout my life I have looked for relationship to feel a sense of self worth. I have already started working on self love and self confidence.

    #271897
    anita
    Participant

    Happy New Year to you, seeker. Post anytime this  new year, hope it is a better year for you!

    anita

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