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I fell out of love, but I love him…And want to stay with him…

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  • #353978
    Merry
    Participant

    We met at uni and teased each other for some time before starting dating. I’m 21 and he is one year younger than me. An amazing person, with a heart of gold. No abuse, loves me endlessly and truly. I want to start a family with him, be around him. And yet, one day I woke up with this thought in my head, that I do not love him or do not feel anything. We’ve dated for 7 months, and one week ago I started feeling the worst I felt since a few years ago when I was depressed, and since then my state has deteriorated: heart racing like crazy, all thoughts about this. It only got worse with time, because at first I thought to myself that it will end, after all, I see him in my future. Everything’s gonna be alright. We are not jealous people, because we are confident in each other. We skype each other every time he gets home from work, and he drives to me every few days to spend time together. So we regularly talk and spend quality time together, as much as it’s possible during quarantine. I read probably too many articles on how to rekindle relationships, how to show love and what are signs of this and that… You probably know what it does to your own head.

    Then I consulted my relatives, talked to him; I got to the conclusion that I love him, even if it’s not as bright as before. But the feeling won’t go away. The heart is racing like crazy, my guts are tied up in a knot and I am unable to eat anything. Yesterday he surprised me and rode all the way from work just to calm me down. I felt so happy and calm, I even ate a pretty good amount of food and we talked about everything. I like looking in his eyes, enjoy touching and holding him, when I see his face to kiss him. It’s not as bright as it was, it got somehow calmer… We want to get through this together, and I should be happy but the panic wont go, it just won’t go. </span>

    This is not my first relationship, but It’s the first one where I feel like I want this person to be with me for life. We click, have similar interests, acknowledge our differences and drawbacks and are actively trying to help each other. And as I’m experiencing this panic, I want to get closer to him, the person I love… I was afraid that I would get annoyed by him on the phone, I told him that. Right now though I do not feel annoyed I feel like I don’t want to talk even though I want to hear his voice and it cradles me. I feel like I do not deserve him, like he will be better without me… I feel guilt and disgust. I do not want anybody else, but I feel this panic </span><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>and fear and the possibility that I leave my love for no reason… I think of leaving him because of this pain. One second everything is fine and the other I think that it will be fair to leave him. But In this state taking decisions like leaving a loved person… I don’t want to do that.

    I never had good relationships with my mother, because she has narcissistic personality disorder and manipulated me through childhood. Sut I love my father, even though he’s only learning how to be a proper open parent. I myself am pretty emotional person, had some severe issues with depression few years back  going down to suicide attempt and antidepresants. It was not relationship related.

    I want to stay with him, I want this panic to go away. I do not see the man differently, he is the person I want and need, the person I am ready and villing to spend my life with…But ideas of not loving him digs in my head like a worm… I want this pain to disappear.

    • This topic was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
    #354038
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Merry:

    The problem is not that you don’t love him, the problem is your anxiety: “My heart is racing like crazy, my guts are tied up in a knot and I am unable to eat anything.. the panic won’t go, it just won’t go”.

    “I never had good relationships with my mother, because she has narcissistic personality disorder and manipulated me through childhood.. I .. had some severe issues with depression few years back, going down to suicide attempt and antidepressants. It was not relationship related”- it was not related to a romantic relationship, but it was tightly related to your very distressing relationship with your mother.

    A child’s relationship with her mother is way more powerful than any romantic relationship in the child’s future, as an adult. To put it simply, your mother scared you, and the fear she caused you is behind what happened to you recently: “One  day I woke up with this thought in my head, that I do not love him or do not feel anything”-

    – there is no real danger  in you  not feeling love for your boyfriend, and there is no real danger at all in you entertaining the thought that you may not love him. The real danger was with your mother, and that older fear is what is being activated in the context of your 7 months romantic relationship.

    You are focused on the question of your feelings for your boyfriend, when it is not the issue. It will take you time, more time to process and resolve your relationship with your mother, so to lessen your underlying anxiety and free this or any other romantic relationship experience from that other experience, the one with your mother.

    It is very possible that the pandemic/ quarantine anxiety, added to the old, overwhelmed you recently.

    Let me know what you think, and if you want we can communicate further.

    anita

    #354160
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Merry,

    What is with this all or nothing thinking? Why do you feel the need to know who you will marry at the age of twenty-one?

    I think that once you make the decision to enjoy yourself and not even think of marriage until well into your mid-twenties the pressure and anxiety will be lifted off.

    Boyfriends are to have fun with!

    Best,

    Inky

    #355916
    Rosin3008
    Participant

    Hi Merry,

    Do you have a history of OCD? Your fears sound to me like ROCD (relationship OCD). The checking magazines and websites is considered a type of mental compulsion. I think you might want to avoid those, and simply try to ignore the thoughts by accepting them, causing them to lose power over time.  However, it would be for the best if you saw a licensed professional.

     

     

     

     

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