I found my dream job but I have to be strong enough to let it go...

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 12, 2015 at 8:48 pm #81734

Redemption Song
Participant

….and that sucks. I’ll explain.

I’m a teacher. I worked hard to get through grad school, and to raise my own kids at the same time. I stayed home with my youngest son for several years while I finished classes. I had put my education and my career on hold off and on for years throughout the lives of our three sons. It was important to do though. No matter how much I liked my work, I LOVED my kids. However, getting back to work after our last child was incredibly rewarding. I found work that I liked in a program I believed in with co-workers I found easy to get along with. Over the past two years, I worked in one classroom collaborating with two teachers. This year, due to budgetary constraints in this state, my teaching position was eliminated, and I wasn’t told until two weeks ago; one month before school starts. I was devastated by the news, and to make matters worse, I was told that I would only be offered a different position in the school, not necessarily the same sort of teaching post I held before. I was assigned extended hours teaching; a job no one really wants because it’s a ten hour day. I went to my principal and explained that I loved my job, but this was not going to work for my family. I even began crying when I thought of leaving. This was really my dream job. My boss confided that one of my co-teachers in the classroom from which I’d just been eliminated was quitting, and I could apply for her position when it became public. I just needed to wait. A friend at work asked about it. She wanted to know if I planned to stay. She had heard a rumor that the other teacher was leaving. I did not confirm or deny it, but said I was just waiting to see what happened. This “friend” asked me everyday what my plans were. When the job became public, and applied, I was interviewed right away. My boss told me that although they wanted to hire me, I would be passed over if another teacher who had more seniority with the district applied. She then told me another teacher had applied. A co worker asked me if I knew that the “friend” that had asked me so many questions about the job before it became public was my competition. I began to realize that I would not be hired because that “friend” was hired the year before me, and she had applied as well.

I am sad about the idea of leaving my job, my students, my classroom, and school. I am also sad that my co worker did not just express to me that she was also interested in the job. It might have helped me not feel so betrayed. I do understand that she is a mother and a provider for her family,too, but it doesn’t mean she can’t be honest in her intentions. She had the upper hand in applying, and I could have planned an exit strategy better from this job. I am not sure how to accept this loss gracefully or graciously. I wanted to go home and defriend her on Facebook! The reality is that I know I may have to continue to work in the extended hour teaching position until I find a better teaching job, so I can’t be petty. I have to find joy and peace right where I am, but I’m finding that hard.

Any advice for helping me become the bigger person here is greatly appreciated…

August 12, 2015 at 9:34 pm #81739
Annie
Participant
Hi redemptionsong, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. It must be so difficult for you to balance work and a family apart from issues with work. You should be very proud of yourself for getting through graduate school while taking care of your children. Just so we’re on the same page, what you’re saying here is that you loved your job, but you were removed from the position because of budget cuts? You had the opportunity to apply to a different position, but another friend also wanted that position. Your friend applied and she got the position because she had more seniority in your work place.

What you wrote above was, “A friend at work asked about it. She wanted to know if I planned to stay. She had heard a rumor that the other teacher was leaving. I did not confirm or deny it, but said I was just waiting to see what happened.” It seems as if you also held out on telling your friend the truth. Maybe you didn’t want her to apply for the position and create more competition keeping your personal interests in mind? Unfortunately, things were never in your control from the beginning. In life, we make decisions for ourselves, but everything else is out of our control. This is where we have to learn to accept whatever happens. Acceptance is the first thing to free yourself. Knowing that you did not have control over the outcome and there was nothing you could have done differently. If there was a teacher who was more superior than her, then she would have received the position rather than your friend. You also said that this was your “dream job.” Could it be that your overall dream is to teach, but that place just happens to be nice and familiar? Do you think you would enjoy teaching at a new location?

You did not mention the job to your co-worker just as she did not mention to you that she was applying as well. Do you think that she may have felt betrayed by that? Do you think you feel betrayed because she was your friend and kept you in the dark or that she got the position and you did not? It is completely fine to be angry and upset. It seems as if you have already tried to see her from a different angle. You acknowledged that she too is a mother and provider for her family. It’s great that you want to be the bigger person. That alone means that you are empathetic and will be much happier in life, which means that you have won by default.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Annie.
August 13, 2015 at 5:03 am #81751
Inky
Participant
Hi redemptionsong,

Don’t be mad at your co-worker. She wanted to know hoping the answer was “No” so she could apply guilt free! Be mad at the system (I’ve seen this again and again in our schools) which pulls a fast one WEEKS before the school year (to reduce time for drama) and then offers you crappy hours as compensation. Then they have the nerve to have a new position open to the public (you get to compete against the world!) instead of utilizing the gifted, talented people already in house!!

Could you apply to private schools in your area? Tutor in the meantime? Work at the crappy hours job only a few days a week?

This is what it’s like to work in education!! Sadly.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
August 13, 2015 at 5:13 am #81753

Anonymous
Guest

Dear redemptionsong:

Reading parts of Annie’s response above it looks like I have written it, choosing a part of what you wrote and analyzing it- and a similar feeling/ analysis arouse in me regarding your communication with your friend or ‘friend” at work. I even thought: I wonder if she asked you about your plans because she felt uncomfortable competing with you for the same job and feeling conflicted about it, that is she may be concerned with your well being even though she needs the job herself. she may be a very decent person after all! You both were not completely open in the communication and understandably so, it is a difficult situation, one desirable job, two friends wanting it.

Maybe you can approach her and have that open communication now, what can be the downside?

Regarding school districts and seniority- I was was a teacher in the second largest school district in the U.S.A- and … nothing is more powerful than seniority, isn’t it? Set in stone. It feels good when you have it, but until you do….

anita

August 13, 2015 at 5:25 am #81755

Anonymous
Guest

Dear redemptionsong:

I have a question for you, connected to something I am currently dealing with myself. I was wondering: do you feel any anger or resentment over the fact that you put your career on hold so to take care of your sons? Some anger over your sacrifice that cost you the seniority that would have allowed you this dream job?

I know it is a taboo for a mother to feel anger at her children for costing the mother her own interests, that a mother is supposed to love and only love her children and sacrifice all, but it may be a natural thing to feel such anger… what do you think?

anita

August 13, 2015 at 5:53 am #81757

Redemption Song
Participant

Thank you for the replies! I will clarify. I was asked by my principal not to divulge that the position would become available until it did become “public”, so when the friend asked what my plans were, I couldn’t confirm or deny that it would become available. I felt like my boss had put me in a bad place. Once it did become public, I DID tell this person that I applied and what my intentions were. She remained quiet about her intent. Hearing about her application second hand and not from her personally just sort of sucked, and I wish she would have told me when we discussed the position after it did go public. I realize that I did not divulge what I knew ahead of time when it still had not been released, but I did tell her my intention when it mattered and she asked.

I have thought of just telling her I know that she has applied and that I wish her luck. I do love to teach, and I loved to teach in the school I was at. I do not relish the idea of starting over again, because I’ve had to do that so many times as a mother. It’s not fun. It’s nice to have “your” job, not just “a” job. To address your question, Anita, I think I feel less resentment or anger toward my kids and more toward my husband at times. There is little he put on hold to have children. I’m not super proud that I go there in my mind but I do sometimes. He is also a professional and he’s been able to dedicate his time to getting two Masters degrees in a row and working fifteen years at his career, moving up the ranks. I have great kids, who aren’t jerks, and will go on to treat people well and live happily… But I do feel like I traded somethings. Especially on days like this when I realize that, yes, getting this job is out of my hands, but I want it so much.

So I have let go of some of the emotion I had toward the friend. I am putting my energy into looking at other jobs; some of which I do not want at all but which will afford me a better schedule. I just keep hoping that a better opportunity will present itself. I will find out next Friday if I got the job I wanted at my school, but I am carrying on as if I haven’t.

I appreciate your words. They were helpful.

August 13, 2015 at 6:08 am #81758

Anonymous
Guest

Dear redemptionsong:

Thank you for answering my question- I appreciate it! One last point, perhaps, regarding the friend, when she asked you about the position, maybe she too knew it was going to go public, maybe the same person told her too, told her about her and asked her not to tell anyone. There still could have been a conversation if you answered: “IF the job becomes available…” and there could be such if she started with: “IF the job becomes available…” instead of one or two of you pretending not to know it was becoming available/ public. So some hiding of the truth on both sides at this point…?

Regarding your anger toward your husband for him not sacrificing anything about his career for the raising of your sons, how does it affect your relationship with him, I wonder and what you do about it. I feel like you’ve been kind enough answering my question and my further questions in this very paragraph are out of the scope of your thread. Of course, I do have the time since I am not working to be asking these questions or wondering about them…

anita

August 13, 2015 at 6:39 am #81759

Redemption Song
Participant

Anita,
Yes. I guess she could have known as well, and yes, I was being deceptive in my intentions before the job went public because I was asked not to talk about it. It’s possible she was doing the same.

As for your question about my husband, I think it is something that I have mostly compartmentalized. I can not hold it against him most of the time because I gladly took care of our children and have a lot of great memories of our time together. However, at times like this, when I feel like I’m failing or like I have to start over…..again, or when I look at my resume and it’s a virtual patchwork of jobs instead of a steady stream of career building jobs — I feel resentful toward him. Mostly it’s because I don’t think he gets that I gave stuff up to be a full time parent, and that my career still feels secondary. We deal with it by open communication and I just am honest about how I feel, even when it’s unflattering. I can usually move beyond it then.

August 13, 2015 at 8:28 am #81762

Anonymous
Guest

Dear redeptionsong:

Thank you again for answering another one of my question. Social conditionings, that is that a man should be and do this and that and a woman, otherwise, there are advantages and disadvantages to men and to women. Somehow last I heard men die younger than women. I think it is the stress of having to appear macho, push down their feelings, be “strong”- more than women do. It is not necessarily so regarding your husband, but many men do suffer because of parts of the social conditionings. In your case you are suffering, right now. And I am sorry that you are. I do hope you will get to a better job. Maybe there are possibilities out there you are not aware of… maybe not. best to you:
anita
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