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I found out he was married and Im obsessing about him

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  • #377062
    Gigi
    Participant

    Im at a very low point right now.
    <div>Im writing because I want to let go of something i learned about yesterday. I dont want it to bottled up inside me. I met a guy online last June last year and we’ve been chatting intensely until I decided to stop it last February. We didnt meet at all as I thought our scheds never coincide which will then explain later. But we did developed a strong bond in strange ways. While scrolling online yesterday on Insta, one name came out unexpectedly and it was this guy. And with him in the picture is his wife.</div>
    <div>As you see, even fr the start, I already felt that there was something off about him but then he would deny it and all. And I guess feeling alone and lots</div>
    <div>of down time at work, chatting with him was an entertainment until it becomes part of my routine. Last December, a big fight happened and I completely cut him off. But for some reasons around February, he managed to reconnect with me and I was clear that what I want was an online friend. Then it became intense again. And finally mustered the courage to cut him off again end of Feb. But yesterday, all what i thought all along was confirmed and true. I was numb.
    I started obssesing about him and been sending m emails non stop. I dont know what to do. It has gone down spiral.</div>

    #377108
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    It’s a good thing that you shared about your troubling experience, better to share than to keep it bottled up inside you, like you wrote.

    You met a man online in June 2020, had an online intense relationship with him, “developed a strong bond in strange ways”, but you were suspicious as to why you never met in person. December last year, there was a big fight between the two of you and you cut him off. In February 2021, he reconnected, the relationship intensified again, and you cut him off at the end of February. Yesterday, April 2, you found out that he is married.

    You felt numb, and you “started obsessing about him and been sending him emails non stop. I don’t know what to do. It has gone down spiral”-

    – clearly, you are very upset, very distressed, and understandably so: you got emotionally attached/ bonded with a man who deceived you by not revealing to you that he was married for the duration of the ten months he communicated with you, sometimes intimately. If I may ask, what’s in the emails you’ve been sending him and did he reply?

    anita

     

     

    #377126
    Gigi
    Participant

    It was an email asking him why he did what with the belief that I have a right to punish someone because he “wronged me” and  I pursue actions with that intent

    #377132
    Gigi
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>to suffer and that I will let inform his wife of the exchanges. This was brought about my anger. And he replied. But the exchanges was too toxic.</span></p>

    #377139
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    I understand you being angry at him- he deceived you, and he did so for a long, long time. It was wrong of him to do that. He was wrong to his wife as well and to his children, assuming he has children.

    I wonder if there is something you can do, legally, to have him suffer some consequence of his wrongdoing, without causing his wife and especially his children unnecessary suffering. (If his wife finds out and suffers for it, as a suffering mother, her pain will cause her children pain).

    I will be away from the computer for a while, feel free to post more and when I am back, I will reply further.

    anita

    #377140
    Gigi
    Participant

    Thanks Anita!
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I dont plan to really go further. I just wanted him to know how he made me feel thats why I made up the idea of handing the photos and chat history to his wife. Though I could have. Ot should I? </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>The problem with me is that Im not able process certain emotional states through a usual process. Meaning when I feel rejected or lied to or wronged I get caught. Im not able to feel bad and then move on. My mind gets gets caught and I obsess. I become enraged and can’t stop. </span></p>

    #377143
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    You are welcome. I remember feeling like you do when wronged, obsessing, becoming enraged and not being able to calm down and let go. When I am back to the computer, in about 4 hours from now, I am guessing, I will reply further.

    anita

    #377157
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    I was gone for longer than I thought, will be back to you in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #377187
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    Reading your words and using my life experience, this is what I understand about your situation to likely be:

    This man wronged you, but he is not the first person to ever wrong you. Someone else repeatedly wronged you when you were a child. As a child, you bottled up lots of anger, day after day, month after month. Fast forward, this or that person wrongs you, including this man, and what comes up for you is not only the anger at this or that particular person, but your bottled up anger from childhood.

    “I don’t want it to bottled up inside me… we did develop a strong bond”- I believe that the person who repeatedly wronged you when you were a child was someone to whom you felt a strong bond.

    “I started obsessing about him and been sending him emails non stop.. asking him why he did what with the belief that I have a right to punish someone because he ‘wronged me’.. I will inform his wife. This was brought about my anger… I just wanted him to know how he made me feel”-

    – your bottled up childhood hurt and intense anger have been fueling your adult obsessive thinking about this man.

    “The problem with me is that I’m not able to process certain emotional states… when I feel rejected or lied to or wronged.. I’m not able to feel bad and then move on. My mind gets caught and I obsess. I become enraged and can’t stop”-

    -I think that what happens when a person wrongs you is that you get overwhelmed by the recent wrong added to previous/ childhood wrongs, and all that massive wrong is massively enraging you, and you get caught/ stuck in the rage.

    Do you remember being wronged, rejected and/ or lied to when you were a child?

    I remember an incident when I was wronged, an incident that did not involve being beaten or yelled: it happened at a wedding event. One of the guests was a famous woman, a beauty queen, the first famous person I have ever seen in real-life. I was maybe 10 or 12. I was so excited to see the famous beauty queen and I wanted to have a picture of me taken with her in the background. My mother had a camera (no cell phones existed at the time), and I asked her excitedly to take the photo, but she was too busy talking to guests, having a lot of fun talking to them.

    I pleaded with her, not wanting to lose this most special opportunity, but for what felt like forever, she dismissed me and kept talking to the guests. I cried, for a long time, and yet, she dismissed me.

    It may not seem like such a terrible wrong, but this woman- my mother- told me many times before that incident that she loved me more than she loved any person, that her life was all about me, that I was the most important person in her life, that I was the reason she lived. But at the wedding, I was not at all important to her.

    Finally she said to me angrily and with frustration:  okay, okay.. what’s wrong with you?..  And she begrudgingly took the photo. There were many incidents when she dismissed me, when she behaved in ways that showed me that it was not true that I was important to her, but the reason I remember this incident is because of the photo of me standing by the beauty queen with red eyes.

    anita

    #377197
    Gigi
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply Anita. It did strike a chord to me what you said. I was physically abused by my mother. She thought it was her way of disciplining me as a child. But it was not. As a child I didn’t know why she did what she did. I was being hit by my mum with a hard stick and the anger and the humiliation I have experienced as a child.

    I believe Im justified in harming him because he wronged me and I must get him to feel as bad I feel. So I completely believe I am right. There is no doubt or question this is what he deserves and I need him to do something, apologize or whatever to set things right.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 19 hours ago by Gigi.
    #377199
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    You are welcome. You deserve his apology and more than an apology. You are justified in wanting him to suffer a consequence for doing you wrong. But you are not justified in doing something that will harm/ create suffering for his children- so better think it through and figure out a way to go about you seeking justice in the case of this man.

    In the case of your mother doing you a lot of wrong, did she apologize and did she try to make amends to you, such as paying for you to attend psychotherapy, so that you can heal some from the emotional harm she caused you?

    (I will be away from the computer for a while).

    anita

    #377201
    Gigi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Once again thank you. I will have to let it go and let time heal my wound. I dont want any drama in my life. Forgiving him is a gift to myself. Im civil with my parents. Haven’t talked about it really. Maybe one day when I have the chance, I will so I can also heal from this.

     

    #377207
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    You are welcome. Regarding this man and in general: if a person wrongs you in a way that is illegal, you may be able to receive some justice by seeing a lawyer and suing the person in a civil court or having the person charged in a criminal court, depending on where you live and how the law operates there.

    In general, try to prevent being wronged whenever possible (it is not always possible), to find out the information you need when you need it and make informed decision as early as possible.

    Regarding your mother, you wrote that she hit you with a hard stick when you were a child, and as a result, you felt anger and humiliation, and now, you are civil with her, and with your father, and you “haven’t talked about it really”-

    – for as long as she behaves as if she didn’t wrong you, and for as long as you say nothing about it, it makes it seem like.. nothing wrong happened, or that it was okay to hit you with a stick, and that keeps the anger and humiliation inside you alive, like embers. When this man wronged you, it’s like he threw a lit match on the glowing embers and a fire quickly raged, as a result.

    I don’t know if your father knew that your mother hit you, if he allowed it or encouraged it. I don’t know if you live with your parents.. I don’t how old you are, if you work, etc., You don’t have to share these things with me, but depending on these things, it will be better for you to not live with them, better that you live far away from them,  and for as long as the issue is not talked about and adequately resolved, better- if possible- that you don’t have contact with them at all.

    anita

     

    #377244
    Gigi
    Participant

    I have left home since I was 15 and really navigated life and world on my own since then. I only get to see my parents when I go home to visit my grandmother who took me when i was child and saved me fr the abuse. I look up to her more as my mother. I now live in London. Thanks for everything Anita. Im moving on. Onwards and upwards.

    #377245
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gigi:

    You are welcome. Good to read that you are living far away from your parents and that you are “moving on. Onwards and upwards”! Post again if you need to, anytime.

    anita

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