Home→Forums→Relationships→I have changed because of my girlfriend
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Eliana.
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April 6, 2018 at 7:51 am #201127
Masha
ParticipantHi everyone! Honestly, the reason why I am posting on this forum because I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I am in a relationship with a girl who has an extreme fear of abandonment and also commitment issues. My mom has been diagnosed with cancer some weeks ago and I help out at home a lot. Sometimes my family depends on me since I am the oldest sister.
These past couple of months my kept on telling me that my home situation isn’t healthy. That my parents depends too much on their child. And honestly, it might be unhealthy, but I don’t care. It’s my mom, I want to take care of her and to help her out. My girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand this. Whenever I have to leave out of nowhere because my mom needs some help, she will get really upset, start crying and telling me that she’s my second choice. I try to make clear to her that she isn’t but that my mom is very important too.
I have found out I am very insecure and am very easily influenced. I honestly started thinking that my parents aren’t healthy for me and that I should distancing myself. I even told my mom that I need space when she called me crying because she really wanted me to come home. The worst part is, this isn’t even the first time that I have done this. Every time my mom asks me to come home because something unexpected happened, for example my little brother got the flu, I first tell her I can’t come home because I am with my girlfriend. Now looking back, I am realizing that I was very wrong. I just completely trusted my girlfriends judgement of the situation and let her judge for me.
I have hurt my mom three times in a row. And it’s because I listened to my girlfriend and reacted to her being upset instead of actually doing what I want and that is go home and help out.
I have apologized to my mom three times, after each time that I didn’t come home right away when she needed me. But only this time I realized that I messed up really bad and that actually my girlfriend was wrong and that I shouldn’t be listening to her.
My therapist told me that my girlfriend most likely isn’t capable of understanding how my family works and that her being upset is very toxic and me staying with her while my mom is asking for my help is actually really unhealthy and very enabling for my girlfriend.
this post post likely is a mess, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. I have apologized to my mom, over and over again. But I know that my actions speak louder then words and I understand that after the third time my mom has a hard time trusting me again.
I honestly just don’t know what to do
April 6, 2018 at 8:04 am #201131Anonymous
GuestDear Masha:
You wrote (your girlfriend suggested to you that): “my home situation isn’t healthy. That my parents depend too much on their child. And honestly, it might be unhealthy.”
It may be true, what she suggested, which you considered yourself. If your mother depended on you too much before she got sick, that would be telling.
Thing is, the relationship with your girlfriend is not healthy either, is it? She complains to you about you. She didn’t present problems as things for the two of you to work on as a team.
Reads to me that her concern is being number one in your life, her concern is her position in your life, not your well being.
Am I correct?
anita
April 7, 2018 at 1:12 am #201169Masha
ParticipantHey Anita!
Thank you so much for your reply. Now that yyou put it this way, I am having an entire different view on things. I can understand why she is this way, it’s because of trauma. I now also am realizing that me listening to ger is only feeding her toxic way of thinking.
My therapist told me that if I want to be with her I need to be able to still hold on to what I find important. My family is the my most important thing ever
I can deal with my girlfriend, especially since I now get how she works.
The thing is, i have no idea how I can ever make this better with my mom. I said some really hurtful things to my mom because I listened to my gf.
April 7, 2018 at 5:46 am #201179Anonymous
GuestDear Masha:
Reads to me that what you said to your mother is bothering you a whole lot. What is it that you said to her?
anita
April 7, 2018 at 8:45 am #201207Masha
ParticipantWhen she called me up asking me why I didn’t come home I told her that I need space, that she is asking too much from me. I did this while my girlfriend was sitting next to me and telling me that I should stand up for myself. That my mom expects too much from me. I actually believed her which is such a terrible thing. This actually is kind of an excuse and I just acted very egoistic. I should have gotten my stuff and left without my mom having to call.
April 7, 2018 at 9:23 am #201215Anonymous
GuestDear Masha:
You wrote: “I said some really hurtful things to my mom because I listened to my gf… terrible thing… very egoistic”. In your recent post you wrote that you told her: “I need space, that she is asking too much from me.”
What is it that you view as terrible:
Is it that you didn’t feel at all that your mother was asking you for too much and that you said it only so to please your girlfriend
Or is it that refusing any of your mother’s requests a terrible thing (Did you ever refuse any of her requests, before or after her sickness)?
anita
April 7, 2018 at 2:58 pm #201239Airene
ParticipantHi Masha,
It sounds like you have figured out that what is important to you is your family. Your girlfriend is also important to you. Good for you for figuring out that you can deal with both.
You say you have no idea how to make this better with your mom. What you have been trying to do, I think, is set some boundaries with everyone, and that is just good self-care. The problem was that you were setting those boundaries based on your girlfriend’s value system and needs, rather than your own – at least, this is what it seems like to me.
You also have been figuring this out during your mom’s illness. Cancer is scary and the people who have it cope with it any number of ways, as well as the people around them.
To make this better with your mom, maybe it would help if you first decide what you are willing/wanting/able to do for and with your mom, while managing your own life. You can say to your mom, “Mom, I thought I needed space, but what I needed to do was figure out how to cope with everything that is going on.” I am a mom with four kids. If one of my kids said to me that they needed space, I might be hurt, but I would respect that. And if they came back to me later and explained that they were trying to figure things out, I would understand completely.
While listening to your girlfriend influenced you to do things that went against your value system, I would avoid placing any blame on your girlfriend. Doing so will only drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.
You say you have apologized to your mom over and over and that your mom is having a hard time trusting you. Actions speak louder than words – She will begin to trust you again when your actions match your words.
Airene
April 8, 2018 at 5:07 am #201301Eliana
ParticipantHi Masha,
It looks like you have gotten some great advice. However, being someone who too suffers from abandonment issues from a very traumatic and neglectful childhood (which took years of Psychotherapy to overcome), it sounds as if your girlfriend has issues from perhaps a traumatic past. Perhaps a parental authority figure from her childhood left her, and unfortunately, if unresolved, this will follow us into our future relationships in adulthood..creating a cycle of co-dependency, constant fear, anxiety, anger, lashing out when left alone etc.
Unless one enters Psychotherapy to get fears of abandonment resolved, any relationship, will suffer. As the abandonment will manifest from the unmet needs of the parental figure on to you. Your girlfriend getting angry and saying you are “putting her second” is coming from fear she most likely had as neglect or trauma from a dysfunctional past, and this can only be resolved with therapy. She “clings” to you in a desperate fashion as not to be left, and you can’t fix her. There is nothing your mother is doing is wrong. Our parents took care of us when raising us, so it is our turn to take care of them when they become sick. When your girlfriend has constant fear and anxiety, she can’t have goals or dreams unless she enters quality Therapy..to get issues resolved. There is a great book called “I love you, don’t leave me” it is a great book for loved ones with abandonment, co-dependent issues as well as the person who suffer from this. My therapist have me this book to read when I was in therapy, and when I find myself falling into my old patterns, I read the book and workbook that comes with it. There is also a great book called “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. I hope things get better with your mom.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by
Eliana.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by
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