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I just don't know what to do with myself

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • October 31, 2018 at 11:07 am #234769
    TRS1971
    Participant

    I am in love with the most wonderful, amazing and perfect for me girl. I never dreamed someone like her even existed. (For the record, I am in my early 50’s, married 20 years and divorced 7. Since then I dated quite a bit, which enabled me to learn about myself, what I want and what I don’t want)

    She suffers from anxiety which does no favours to her ADD. In addition she has significant trust issues. (For the record, I have depression which is being treated)

    We have been dating for a year and a half and in the first few months there were several starts and stops, lasting anywhere from a few hours to a couple days. Last fall she dumped me out of the blue. After two months, when we saw each other again it was obvious how much we missed each other and wanted to get back together. That was almost a year ago. We have been very tight from that time on, sharing life, love, family, we adopted a dog, and almost half the nights are at my place or hers. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together, getting married,  our grandchildren (though none of our kids are even married yet). Everything was going perfect. Then a couple weeks ago she dumped me again.  There are several Big similarities in life events occurring around each breakup.

    My belief is that it is her anxiety and ADD are driving this. I told her I want to go to counseling and she has refused, saying she has gone to a counselor before and they are worthless and a waste of money.

    She is the love of my life, and people who know us both best see how perfect we are together. I am committed to doing anything I can to help her, believing that we really are meant to be together.

    The problem is, I don’t know what to do. She asked for no contact, for at least few months and only after I am dating someone else. Do I give her the space she needs? I have no intention of dating. I can’t bear the thought of the holidays without her and our family together. Do I keep in contact, trying to get her to talk and see a counselor with me? That will not be easy either, but if I just give her the space, then we aren’t really working on the problem. A friend of mine suggesting getting a small group of her friends and family together since they all feel some effect of her swings and it impacts them also. I think that may be extreme and just drive her away, but the concept is good.

    I really don’t know what to do.

    October 31, 2018 at 11:18 am #234783
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear TRS1971:

    She asked for no contact. What can you do but respect what she asked for and accommodate it? To act against her request is disrespectful. It is her right to choose who she is in contact and who she is not in contact with.

    I understand you are in pain and wish to spend the holidays with her, but she doesn’t want to. If you accepted that best you can, that she wants no contact, it will be better for you. You will be sad for a long time, but fighting reality makes it worse.

    Why do you think she broke up with you twice, specifically?

    anita

    October 31, 2018 at 11:44 am #234791
    TRS1971
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for the feedback. It’s not all as clean as it seems. Both times, after she asked for no contact, she called me and we talked just as we did before. Both breaks, she said, is because she needs space to sort out her life after her divorce (which was 5 years ago). My belief is that this comes from her anxiety. The first time we split we just got back from a wonderful vacation together, her ex had just married the woman she caught in her bed, and her daughter was getting ready to move out of state. One day the six of us, including our kids, are playing a card game and she brings up all of us going to Disneyland in December. Literally the next day she dumped me. This time we had also just got back from vacation, her daughter just moved in with her BF, her ex is about to have a baby and we had been talking about where to have our wedding.

    She had told me in the past that she is afraid that I was going to leave her so it made her want to end things first. I know she is hurting and I want to help. Her anxiety has gone into overdrive and things with us are very real, which scares her. Our only arguments are over who loves each other more. This all plays into why I think that working on the issues is key. Her kids and family also feel the effects and have for quite some time; long before we met.

    October 31, 2018 at 11:54 am #234797
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear TRS1971:

    A “perfect for me girl”, wouldn’t that be a woman who will turn to you when she is distressed,  instead of away from you? I would think a perfect woman for you would be one you can trust to stay. No?

    anita

     

    October 31, 2018 at 12:03 pm #234803
    TRS1971
    Participant

    Ah…… and there is the difference between “perfect” and “perfect for me”. We all have issues, and I know this and take it into account as part of the person. Every other thing about her, small to big, is incredible. I will help her be a better her, just like she helps me be a better me. We acknowledge our weaknesses and marvel at how they match with each other’s strengths. We really are a team.

     

    October 31, 2018 at 12:16 pm #234815
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear TRS1971:

    If she contacts you again, you should talk to  her about that team you mentioned, working like a team consistently, reliably. Make a relationship rule: no more no contact.

    Reads to me  that she will be contacting you soon enough, don’t you think?

    anita

     

    October 31, 2018 at 3:08 pm #234851
    TRS1971
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That is a good idea reminding her of our strength as a team if she reaches out.

    And yes, I do think she will reach out at some point.  I’m still torn, though

    October 31, 2018 at 5:04 pm #234877
    Mark
    Participant

    TRS1971,

    I am a loss to understand why you are holding onto this woman as a romantic interest.

    I find it hard to have any kind of relationship if people (and I include myself) do not want to help themselves with issues that are preventing to live a healthy, happy life.

    You on/off girlfriend has unaddressed anxiety and trust issues.  I had ADD/ADHD and cannot see how that would interfere in having a warm, committed, intimate, authentic and honest relationship.  I see the anxiety and trust issues as more of the issue.

    You want to help her.  She does not want to help herself.

    I see such situations as trying to have a relationship with an addict.  You cannot help them until they want to be helped.  You talk about working on HER issues.  I don’t read about she wanting to do that.

    Mark

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