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I just don’t know what to do

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  • #368040
    Sox
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I was in a relationship for 8-9 months, wherein we lived together for 2-3 months in the beginning and then were in LDR since May. The guy broke up with me 3 weeks ago, dropped a text and said he does not wish to be in touch with me anymore. I tried to call him to understand why, so he blocked my number. I panicked and ended up calling him from all available numbers at home and in one those calls he mentioned he is feeling “pressured” and doesn’t want to continue anymore and then went to block those numbers as well. I tried explaining that let’s talk about it, we can try to find a way, but he just was not in the mood to listen/ discuss. I tried messaging, sent 2 messages; one the same night of the break up, asking him to talk, he blocked that number and then messaged him 2 days later apologising (though I really don’t know what I even did), he blocked that number as well. I haven’t tried contacting him after that, but I just cannot wrap my head around as to WHY he broke up?!

    I was honest to a fault, extremely dedicated and loyal and loving. This guy had met my father 15 days prior to the break up. I mean he wanted me to shift to another country with him.  I even lived with him and broke up over a text! Not even a phone call.

    I have been having a hard time processing this; cannot understand what I did and have been blaming myself. I also thought of writing a letter to him, but then decided against it. I don’t mind being broken up with, don’t want to force him to be with me, but I at least deserve an explanation; a proper goodbye? As per him; almost all of his exes cheated on him; he treated them better; hell he even treated his one night stand before me better.

    Can someone please help me understand this behaviour or give me tips on how to move forward? In my head, I did not do anything wrong; I tired to communicate; was always; ALWAYS honest.

    I had some anxiety issues 2 months prior to the break up, and some insecurity issues as well. These were mostly due to the reason that his ex before me would text him every 2 months and he would tell me about it, and block her and but it would not deter her. She would just find a way to message him.  I suggested that he tell her about me but he refused. he even refused to tell ANYONE about me. this also triggered my anxiety and I understand and I accept that I may have pushed him a bit into talking about “our” future. But, I still don’t believe that it would entail such a harsh, hostile and cruel break up. What did I ever do to garner this level of hatred? Am I wrong in thinking this way? I have been told by my friends and my family that I did nothing wrong and this action of his reflects how he truly is as this was a cowardice way of breaking up.  But, I still have been blaming myself and I am unable to let go.

    The day he broke up, I think he said he will treat me like his ex (which means blocking me, ignoring all my calls/ messages and blocking all attempts of me trying to contact him) Why I wrote “think” is because it all happened so quickly and he did not speak to me for even 5 min to explain to me why he was breaking up.

     

    Also, should I post his study material he lent me back to him?

    I apologise for the long post; but I have been too emotional and I just want to make sense of things; so that I can move ahead in life.

     

    would really appreciate your time and thoughts. 🙂

     

     

    #368055
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S:

    You shared that you lived together with your former boyfriend for 2-3 months (about March- May), and were in a long distance relationship with him May-September. He broke up with you three weeks ago, “dropped a text and said he does not wish to be in touch with me anymore”.

    When you called and messaged him “to understand why”, he blocked your number. He did mention to you during one of your calls to him, before he blocked that number as well,  that he was feeling pressured, and that he “doesn’t want to continue anymore”.

    In my efforts to understand why he broke up with you (“I just cannot wrap my head around as to WHY he broke up?!”), I ask:

    1. You wrote: “This guy had met my father 15 days prior to the breakup”- did he meet your father in person, or online, were you present in that meeting/ do you know what took place in that meeting?

    2. “he even refused to tell ANYONE about  me”- he didn’t tell his parents, siblings, friends.. ? Any idea why??

    anita

    #368084
    Sox
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for responding. 🙂

    1. He met my father in person. I was present. It was a brief meeting (15-20 minutes) and was a causal meeting where my father enquired about his future plans for his career and he shared his back problem that he had with my father (my father is a doctor). As I has to vacate my flat; there wasn’t much time to chit chat for longer duration. After this meeting. I went to drop him off; spent some 15-20 min and then he went back.

    2. Well, in the beginning, he said he did not want to tell his mother and brother because they would ask him; what next? and he did not want to have that discussion; and then on further probing and coaxing; he agreed to tell his brother but only when he would talk to him “properly” (this was in July). He still refused to tell his mother (though I have met his mother twice; just not in the capacity of his girlfriend; however I have an inkling that his mother would have a sense that something was going between the two of us; that’s my feeling). So, again naturally I asked him when he planned to tell his brother he said he will tell him when he visits in October and he broke up with me 10 days prior to his brother’s visit.

    Further, he later changed his reason for not telling his mother – he said she will ask him to not indulge in all of this and focus on his career. He is 28 and as far as I understand; mothers don’t ask their 28 yo to end relationships; do they?

    As for friends – I don’t really know why because I never really saw him speak to any of his friends while I was with him. He would ignore their calls/ texts and I never saw him speak to any of his buddies at all. When I would even prompt him to speak to his friends or meet up with them he just didn’t seem interested in talking to them.

    you know – a work colleague of his knew about his one night stand before me – but didn’t know about me! It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

    3. Also, I would like to mention here that the previous night I had posed a hypothetical situation for 3 years later and had asked if “horoscope matching” was something he believed in. He said yes and Then I asked him what would he do if our horoscopes didn’t match? would he leave me 3 years later? he said yes he would. this propelled an argument and he for irritated (which was an often reaction of his to whenever I tried talking about the future).

    4. I am also going to admit here that as mentioned previously I had been going through some anxiety issues from Aug-till the break up and I MAY have gotten clingy/ emotionally needy; and him not answering my calls/ texts would really make me anxious and this would also sometimes cause arguments. though, I understood that his work was demanding but I never could understand how could one not even find 10 seconds to reply or text; especially if they know it caused anxiety to the other one. But, I still tried to remain calm.

    It all seems so confusing and weird.

     

     

     

    #368085
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S:

    I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about nine hours from now.

    anita

    #368171
    Sox
    Participant

    I can’t get him out of my head; have been replaying all the memories and time spent together. it feels like I never existed; like these past few months never happened. I feel like I am stuck and it has been SO difficult for me to move on. I am unable to accept that this happened in this manner.

    What feels worse is that it seems he is absolutely unaffected and has forgotten that I was even a part of his life.

    #368174
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S:

    I apologized for not getting back to you yesterday- there is another member with the same screen name as yours (S), I answered that member yesterday, and didn’t notice that I didn’t answer you.

    I re-read your original post and read your second. I will re-tell your story again, and try to figure out what happened:

    You lived together with man for 2-3 months, about March-May, 2020. In May-> the end of September, you were in a long-distance relationship with him. He met your father in-person one time, for 15-20 minutes (I assume it was early in the relationship, before the long-distance). It was a casual meeting, your father “enquired about his future plans for his career”, and your boyfriend asked your father, a doctor, about his back problem.

    The meeting happened when you had to vacate your flat, so there wasn’t much time for a longer conversation (I wonder if the reason you lived with your boyfriend for a couple-three months in the very beginning of the relationship was because you had to vacate your flat, and if your father helped you with the move to out of your flat).

    You met his mother twice “not in the capacity of his girlfriend” (again, I assume that was in the very beginning of the relationship, before it went long distance, and without his mother knowing that you were living with him?)

    About your “anxiety issues” and “insecurity issues”, you shared that you had those issues two months before he broke up with you, he told you that his ex-girlfriend texted him every couple of months even though he blocked her repeatedly, you suggested to him to tell her about you, but he refused to tell her “or to tell ANYONE” about you. This refusal triggered your anxiety.

    Your boyfriend broke up with you 3 weeks ago over a text. You called him, he blocked you. You panicked, called and messaged him “from all available numbers at home”, and he answered only one of those calls, saying that “he is feeling ‘pressured’ and doesn’t want to continue anymore”, and then blocked that number as well.

    I will now try to help you understand your behavior, and his, based on my understanding of human behavior and the little information I have about your situation:

    1. You wrote: “(I) was always; ALWAYS honest”- I don’t think there is a person in the world who is “always; ALWAYS honest”. You wrote: “I don’t mind being broken up with”- I don’t think this statement is honest because there is a woman in the world who doesn’t mind being broken up by a man she  is emotionally attached to.

    2. You wrote: “I have been told by my friends and my family that I did nothing wrong” – unfortunately, it is often the case that we cannot rely on our family and friends to tell us that we did something wrong to a third party who is not in their lives. They are in contact with you, not with him (the third party), and their motivation is therefore, to calm and soothe you (not him), and to not be bothered by your ongoing distress regarding having done something wrong. It is easier to tell a person you-did-nothing-wrong than it is to say: I think you did this wrong, and then explain it and maybe argue about it, facing the person’s resistance and anger.

    3. You wrote on one hand: “I understand and accept that I may have pushed him a bit into talking about ‘our’ future.. have been blaming myself”, and on the other hand, you wrote: “In my head, I did not do anything wrong.. (I) cannot understand what I did”-

    – on one hand you accept some responsibility for the breakup (“pushed him..”) and on the other hand, you accept no responsibility (“I did not do anything wrong”). Understandably, you are emotional (“I have been too emotional”), so I am not surprised by this contradiction.

    4. You wrote: “hell he even treated his one night stand before me better”- that’s a curious sentence, because it was a one night stand, meaning he treated her for sex only, not for a relationship, so how is that treating her better (?). This statement can also be a result of you being emotional and not thinking clearly.

    You asked: “Can someone please help me understand this behaviour or give me tips on how to move forward?”-

    – In my effort to answer the above question, I will be making an assumption or two, assumptions that may be true or not: the two of you moved in together before a committed relationship was established, and throughout the relationship that followed the move-in, a committed relationship was never established.

    Maybe you moved in with him because you had to vacate your flat and he had a flat nearby. The meeting between him and your father was not a serious meeting to discuss a relationship and future, but a casual, short meeting in-passing, while your father was helping you, in some capacity, to move out of your old flat.

    Seems to me that this man was never, in his mind, in a committed relationship with you, and that you indeed pressured him to make a commitment to you, and that he broke up with you, like he told you, because he felt pressured by you to make a commitment to you.

    Also, seems to me that even if he did not break up with you when he did, and the way he did, this relationship was not going anywhere because he was not ready for a committed relationship, never considered one with you, and perhaps because he believes in astrology and because his mother may be possessive of him, dominant in his life.

    anita

    #368181
    Shelly
    Participant

    Hello S,

    First of all, I want to tell you that its very natural to feel pain, anguish, anger, sadness when one is abandoned, that too without any explanation. So, the best way to reduce those feelings is to accept it. Acceptance of being abandoned, rejected helps one to move forward. Why I am saying so because  almost everyone goes through this in her or his life. We all are human after all. Situation like these makes people more compassionate, wise and strong. If you could realise calmly then you could see that there’s a huge growth trajectory awaiting for you.

    Now let me try to analyze whatever happend in your personal life.  Your bf broke up with you over a text  message. If I was at your place then I would have asked myself what is the root cause of my miseries  here

    1. Is it that he broke up with me or,

    2. Is it he did so over text message without giving any meaningful explanation.

    If it the 2nd case then it basically  tells he is very unkind person. He was never serious in this relationship.  Because had he really cared forget love then he must have talked to you about it openly. It also shows that he wasn’t open to you i.e. he could not share you his true feelings maybe he had felt that there’s understanding problem between you both.  This also explains why he shared his one night stand with his friend but not you.

    If its the 1st case then he must have some reasons for it like compatibility issue, family issue, he might be attracted to someone else etc. Since he is not completely open to you he might  not tell you the real reason.

    And I am sorry to say so, but there might be another reason that he was never interested in you. He was just giving this relationship  a chance to see how things turn out. The outcomes were not as per his expectations  so he decided to quit.

    Either way, what is important to realise is you cannot control how others behave or feel or think. If we keep on thinking about other’s  behavior then we are positioning ourself in a very powerless situation. Besides think about it, if he had done this after 2-3 years how you would have felt? Being with someone who is not equally emotionally  invested is a very painful feeling. There were many clues through which you could have observed his investment  e.g. he never introduced you with his friends and family, he asked you to move in and you complied. The real test of relationship  is when differences surface. When everything is convenient  then there’s no depth, be it relationship  in particular or life in general.

    I would advice you dear to accept whatever happend. Find meaning in your life. Life is very unpredictable,  most of the things come and go without any  warning or explanation. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who is not sure about you. People easily hide their true feelings. There’s no use to fight them but to make oneself strong enough and rise above such situations.

    With lots of love

    Shelly

     

    #368177
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    My advise to you is accept that this has happened, even when you still have so many unanswered questions. Find something to focus on while you heal. If you try to get answers from you it will just hurt you more. You have seen how he treats his ex. He is not considerate or thoughtful of your feelings. I believe he is not ready to settle down and you cant make a man do that if he doesnt want to. Its hard but heal yourself from the break up and focus on yourself. Try to learn to find peace, joy and confidence in yourself then you wont be so called clingy. Plus a man that cares about you will only want to hug you and assure you. Hang in there sweety, you shall be alright 😊 big hug to you.

     

    #368204
    Sox
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have changed the name; hope this will help clear any confusion. 🙂

    1. He met my father towards the end of the relationship (in September); about three weeks prior to his breaking up with me. I also met his mother for the second time around this time only.

    2. Okay, yes, I am not okay; but I am trying. It is not easy. I was quite attached to the man and it feels like he just didn’t care about me; however, lead me to believe otherwise.

    3. The reason why I mentioned its confusing is because the only reason our arguments occurred was over the future.

    4. It would be wrong to say he was not committed; because he said he was. Like I mentioned he wanted us to move to another country. I even helped him professionally and also helped him finish one of his degrees which had been ending for a long time (even before me).

    5. Why I said I feel he treated the one night stand better is because his friend knew about her; he told his friend he missed her (yes, these were things before me, but still).

    6. We had moved in because his mother had gone out of the city and it was supposed to be buried, but then the lockdown happened and we thought, instead of living apart might as well live together. We were committed at that stage.

    7. I never pressured him to make a commitment to me; he only wanted to be exclusive; he was the one who said we are dating; he was the one who proposed the idea of moving in; proposed the idea of moving to other countries; proposed the idea of us having a future together.

    8. If he never wanted a long term relationship with me; why make me believe it is serious and that he wants a future with me? Why not just talk to me; tell me? Do I not deserve the decency of at least knowing?

    I would not pretend to know or understand what “actually” was in his mind because you can never REALLY know what is going on in one’s mind.

    Do I not deserve the courtesy of being told why I am being broken up with ? Or at least do it amicably? Why the hatred and hostility?

    9. I don’t really know why he broke up; me accepting that I may have pushed him is me trying to make sense of things because I was never given the opportunity to know what I have done wrong.

     

     

    #368206
    Sox
    Participant

    Hello Shelly,

    Thank you taking the time to read my posts and respond. 🙂

    1. “Acceptance of being abandoned, rejected helps one to move forward”. How? I have been struggling t figure out how?

    2. Shelly, I think it is both. The fact that he broke up with me suddenly; out of the blue and that he did it over a text. Did not bother to give me an explanation.

    3. Some part of me understands that what he did speaks volumes about him and not me, but the part that misses him/ wants him back (yes, some part of me still wants him back) takes over and makes me want to try to know WHY? just why??

    4. Yes, I understand I cannot control how he behaves; but I want him to know what he did, rather how he did it was wrong. He could have tried to be amicable. What was the need for such hostility and hatred?

    5. I am struggling with acceptance. really really struggling. I thought he was the one. He also made such plans with me of the future.  How do I accept it?

    #368209
    Sox
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady

    Thank you for responding. 🙂

    His ex cheated on him and they broke up 2 years ago.

    Maybe he was not ready, but he could have told me, no? I at least deserved an explanation, I think. He made me believe he was ready and he was serious.

    He never called me clingy; it is I who is calling herself clingy. I MAY have become a bit clingy.

    #368215
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sox:

    I will be back to your thread and reply to you, Sox, in about 9 hours from now.

    anita

    #368225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sox:

    I learned from your recent post that he met your father not in the very beginning of the relationship, but three weeks before he broke up with you, and I learned that he told you that he was committed to you: “he said he was.. he was the one who said we are dating; he was the one who proposed the idea of moving in; proposed the idea of moving to other countries; proposed the idea of us having a future together”-

    – when a person who doesn’t value following his/her words with action, to tell, say, propose ideas is equal to articulating words- and that is easy and fast, it takes so little time and effort to articulate words.

    “I would not pretend to know or understand what ‘actually’ was in his mind because you can never REALLY know what is going on in one’s mind”- I agree, no one can read minds. But after years of being committed to hours per day of learning here, about people’s motivations and behaviors, I can make educated guesses regarding the questions you asked, best I can, at this point:

    1. “If he never wanted a long term relationship with me; why make me believe it is serious and that he wants a future with me?”- he didn’t want to live with a discontented woman, so he told you what made you feel temporarily content. When he said those words, with minimal effort and time, you felt content- that was his payoff. It is easier to live with a content person, and it is difficult to live with a discontented person.

    2. “Why not just talk to me; tell me?”- because if he told you while living with you that he is not serious about you, that would have made you discontented, hurt and angry. He didn’t want to live with a hurt, angry person. If he broke up with you in-person, he would have exposed himself to your hurt and anger, and he didn’t want that exposure.

    3. “Do I not deserve the decency of at least knowing? Or at least do it amicably?”- yes, you do deserve decency, but a man who is not decent doesn’t have decency to guide his behavior. He didn’t have the decency to care about what you deserve, and act accordingly.

    4. “Why the hatred and hostility?”- his anger and hostility is likely about having been done wrong by someone long ago, someone who wrongly hurt him and made him feel bad. Fast forward, in the context of relationships, when he feels bad (and it doesn’t matter the reason, or who did wrong to whom), he automatically assumes that the other person did him wrong, and he reacts with anger and hostility.

    * “I don’t really know why he broke up; me accepting that I may have pushed him is me trying to make sense of things”- I think that if you didn’t push him at all, the relationship may have lasted longer, but the price for keeping this relationship going would have been you never challenging him, never expressing discontent about him not following his words with actions.. and that’s not the kind of a relationship that I would want for you.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #368246
    Sox
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Please correct me if I am wrong:

    1. He was never serious about me and only pretended to be serious for reasons best known to him?

    2. It is good that to ended right now, because he never had any intentions to have a future with me? Is this not misleading?

    3. The possible reason why he ended things the way he did; so that he does not have face my hurt or anger and he chose the easy way out? The way that would suit his interests, so that he does not have the whole discussion about “us”?

    4. He never really cared about me and was only going with it for the sake of it and didn’t care how his actions would affect me?

    If you think there is some other reason why he acted in the way he did; please do tell me.

    5. where do you think I faultered based on what I have told you? I would also want to work on myself; if I was at fault.

     

    #368257
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sox:

    I will start with the easiest question for me to answer:

    3. “The possible reason why he ended things the way he did; so that he does not have to face my hurt or anger and he chose the easy way out?.. so that he does not have the whole discussion about ‘us’?”-

    Yes.

    Your other questions:

    1. “He was never serious about me and only pretended to be serious for reasons best know to him?”- like you wrote earlier, and I agreed, no one can read minds. There is no way for me to tell if he was never serious about you, if the thought of marrying you never occurred to him. What is clear is that he refused to tell anyone that he was in a relationship with you, and that indicates that from one point on, or predominantly from one point on, he was not serious about you and that he was indeed pretending otherwise.

    2. It is good that to ended right now, because he never had any intentions to have a future with me? Is this not misleading?”- again, I can’t tell what his thoughts were over the months he was in a relationship with you, and there are so many, many thoughts a person has in one day. He may have thoughts at times that he wants a future with you- I will not at all be surprised if he did because.. a person thinks many thousands of thoughts every day.

    There are way fewer actions that a person takes every day than the thoughts he/she thinks- so better judge a person’s intentions by their actions, and not by random thoughts. According to his actions, overall, he did not intend to have a future with you.

    And yes, if he tells you that he is committed to you but does not follow his words with actions- it is misleading.

    4. “He never really cared about me and was only going with it for the sake of it and didn’t care how his actions would affect me?”-

    – again, I can’t read his mind or his heart. I am guessing that at times he did care about you, and that you indeed felt that he did, because he did. But feelings change for everyone, and in his case, seems like previous affection was replaced with anger. He liked you.. and then he didn’t.

    “If you think there is some other reason why he acted in the way he did; please do tell me”- with the information you shared, I can’t think of any other reason besides what I suggested in my previous post, regarding his anger earlier in his life, as a child, being misdirected at you.

    5. “where do you think I faulted based on what I have told you? I would also want to work on myself; if I was at fault”- at this point, I agree with your family and friend who told you that the failure of the relationship was not your fault, not at all. Neither do I think that continuing the relationship would have been a good idea for you.

    Regarding working on yourself, that is a good idea for you as it is for anyone and everyone, including myself. I suggest that you learn to evaluate a man based on his words and his actions, that you don’t put much weight on words alone, or on random feelings. Focus on a man’s actions and if he walks his talk and talks his walk, not only in the context of his relationship with you, but in other parts of his life.

    When a man lacks the value of walking his talk and talking his walk, don’t pressure him to change because you can’t make him adopt a value that is foreign to him. Leave him instead.

    anita

     

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