I made mistake and keep feeling wanna die (but I want to live)

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    Hello, I am 30 years old female, working by myself in foreign country. After 10 years working, I finally get everything I want, good pay, good company, good bosses, good people around me. I feel so grateful for my job.

    I grew up in conservative environment, my parents teach me traditional way to save money, and they are frugal (work and save). As I work so hard, I work and really tried a lot of ways to make money. I sent money to my family as well to build house, etc. As I become bored during covid, I learnt how to invest in stocks, I thought it is an easy ways to make money, I took bank loan to do stock investment.

    Then my family wants me to get married, but I can’t find anyone I am interested around me. So I went to dating app, and found two guys. Last time when I used dating apps, I easily lost interest and delete the app. But this time, I really force myself to found partner, so I didn’t easily delete it even though I felt uncomfortable sometimes.

    These two guys, put a very handsome profile pictures. Called me and shared with me they are entrepreneurs, they know how to do investment, they are rich, make a lot of money, etc. And I was so stupid, believe them and it turns out both of them was scam.

    They told me a lot of promise of investment, told me all flowery words, told me they loved me and want to help me, and force me to do investment. After I invested a little bit, they keep on asking to add on the numbers (the more you invest, the more you gain) something like that. Using manipulation, they made me take out my stock investment to invest on them (money from bank loan) and then when I want to withdraw my money, I couldn’t do it because it was held by tax invasion from government and force me to add more money. One of the guy told me to try to go money lender to borrow money!! I tried to call my cousin brother, he didn’t pick up!!!!

    My mind was so clouded, It was all my savings and stuck! I thought it really tax regulation so I borrowed money until it become bigger and bigger but my money still can’t get out. So I went to money lender and transferred the money!! But the money still can’t get out and they want more money!!!!! After that my cousin brother picked up and said it was scam! I cried and called my parents, and felt so guilty over the mess.

    Long story short, My parents sell their life saving to save me, and my uncle also help me. But The amount of money that I lost was so huge, probably 2-3 years of working (and I am high-income). I felt so guilty, that money can buy another house in my country or buy luxury car. But because of my stupidity, now I can’t send money to them, I can’t buy nice gifts for my family, and have to work around 2 years to paid all bank loan.

    I felt want to die for making big mistakes (But I can’t die, I need to pay my debt, and want to make my family happy). I told myself it’s okay, and my family also didn’t scold me or blame me. But I still felt sorry, guilty, and despair. When I go out to eat food, or having meetings, or watch videos. I remember my stupidity, my lost money, and my fault. I prayed many times and believe everything will come back. But I still felt very sorry, it has been 2-3 months since the event happened. Please give me strength and help me fellow Buddha! Thank you so much.


    Dear Doremi:

    I am glad you are back with your 10th thread, but I wish you had better circumstances to report. First I want to go over what you shared in the last 7 years, in your own words, almost (I made many grammatical corrections so to provide an easier reading, but kept the meaning intact):

    April 2014: “I am a young 20+”, “I am worried about looking weird and making mistakes.. I do my job well, but I am afraid that they talk badly about me behind my back… being underestimate, left out… I am scared of people’s rejection… I will try to go belong in my group without care for people approval, and gossip.

    December 2014: “I am 24-25 years old”, “the company.. offered me very low salary based on my age and experience.. and made me the lowest level executive. After..  almost two year, I have proven my ability.. but then I saw someone who is only able to do (way less work), get a higher level executive position, and a higher pay because of their.. longer stay in the company… This company gives me a working visa which is probably difficult to get. I am working in another country.

    February 2015: “I.. always want to do more and get a lot of praise from my team members and my bosses. The problem is that my boss who helps me a lot, and is always nice..  never praises me in front of my colleagues, always secretly when we meet in corridor.. I keep trying to show my boss how great I am, and always looking for his approval and attention.. It sounds like a child seeking attention, which can be bothersome to some.

    August 2015: I am 25 years old this year and working as a designer overseas. I have a good job, a good pay, make a good living, and people around me keep telling me how lucky I am. The problem is I am not satisfied..  I keep comparing myself and seeing my colleagues being promoted and getting higher pay… I decided I want to set up my own business.. A lot of people praise my talent. The problem now is.. I am afraid.. I want to own my own house, to work from home, have a lot of creative freedom, and make a lot of money as well. But I am really afraid, don’t know why.

    March 2016: ‘I am 25..  working overseas in a big company in Singapore. My 3 years contract is almost finished and I am waiting for a bonus. I have a good job.. and life is good. But I feel very bored, like there is no meaning in my life, like I am just a cog in a giant machine. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I applied to my dream companies, such as Google or Facebook, and still waiting for an answer.. I really want change, have a better title, higher salary, and a new environment… My parents won’t allow me to quit my job and be without pay, because they want me to be independent… I started making a blog, writing articles, giving knowledge for free. One and two people respond it with interest, “Great Post”, “Good Work”. But that’s it…I am very worried, worried that I am stuck in my life… I expect too much from myself.

    April-May 2016: “Currently I really hate my job..  and want to leave asap but the problem is they hold my bonuses until June.. I have been applying jobs here and there, but I am very afraid with the uncertainty… and worried about so many things.. I am the only designer in my team, so if there is anything wrong.. they are all looking at me for answers, “Why this, why that, I don’t feel the design”,  and a lot of other nonsense..  I am also very stressful and uncertain.

    July 2016: “My new jobs pays almost double than my previous job, however the location is a bit far and there is a lot of work.. It is a startup environment.. I feel like I need to do everything because there is no setup and structure on how to do things… In comparison, I was very miserable in my previous job: lack of appreciation, the pay was a bit low, a lot of structure, and they played the blame game a lot. However the place was near my house, and there wasn’t much work to do, so I was able to shut down after 6pm+…  I keep comparing the new job to the old job…I ask myself.. what should I do to not feel stressed out..?

    February 2017: “I am 27.. The new company has better pay and better environment, but there is no clear structure here. I have to spend a lot of time explaining the basic process and educate people about every simple thing. The problem is sometimes I become very frustrated when people who don’t understand the basic ideas and start throwing the responsibility around. I was very upset when someone blamed me before… My colleague keeps encourage me to join a big bank because he is also looking (for a new job)… Should I jump for bigger companies or continue working here? I am afraid.

    May 2019: “I am so worried about my future and I don’t know what to do. My current company wants to cut my salary, and out of anger I resigned immediately. It was easy for me to get a few job offers last year, so I thought I will be able to get a job easily this year as well.. Long story short, my notice period has ended 2 weeks ago, I’ve been look for jobs around 2 and half months and getting very little results. I am very stressed and my family is also very worried about my future. I am high-income earner so it is a bit difficult as well to get high-paying jobs. I think I will be jobless this month.. I still have some savings, but I have a mortgage to pay.. I am so afraid.. I started some business but the result is very minimal, I am very scared. I eat a lot when I am unhappy and gained some weight. I am scared that I am making a mistake with my life.

    Today, June 29, 2021, you shared that at 30 years old, after 10 years of working, you are finally satisfied with your job (“good pay, good company, good bosses, good people around me. I feel so grateful for my job”). Because you have “become bored during Covid”, and for the purpose of increasing your income (in “easy ways”), you learned how to privately invest in stocks. You took a bank loan to finance your stock investments. About three months ago, you also got back on a dating app because your parents wanted you to get married. You communicated on the dating app with two men whom you talked to on the phone. They told you that they are entrepreneurs, that they know how to invest in stocks, and that they had made a lot of money doing so. They told you “flowery words”, that they loved you, and wanted to help you invest.

    You followed their advice and invested. They asked you to invest more. You invested more. When you wanted to withdraw your money, you were unable to do so because the investment was held by the government for tax evasion. You then borrowed more money and  added it to the investment. Finally, your cousin’s brother told you that the investment was a scam. Your parents then sold their life savings so to help you, and your uncle helped you as well. You lost 2-3 years of working high-income jobs.

    Dear Doremi: I hope that seeing the above on one page helps you see some things more clearly. My thoughts today:

    1) Regarding the two men you recently met on a dating app, the two men who scammed you into investing in a fraudulent company (or companies)- it is not clear to me if you were scammed by two men who worked separately, not knowing about each other, or if the two worked together. I don’t know if you met them in-person separately or together, if you had a dating relationship with the two.. nor do I know why you would have interactions that include “flowery words” and I-love-you’s with two men at the same time (?)

    Early on in your posts you shared how receiving approval, attention and praise, particularly publicly, has been so important to you (“my boss.. never praises me in front of my colleagues, always secretly when we meet in corridor.. I keep trying to show my boss how great I am, and always looking for his approval and attention.. It sounds like a child seeking attention“). I can see how the two men you met on the dating app made you feel very good paying you the approval, attention and praise that you craved.. ever since you were a child. Craving more of their approval, attention and praise made you vulnerable to being scammed by them.

    2) Regarding your anxiety: the word “afraid” often appear in your posts through the years, as well as a concern about being blamed and making mistakes, feeling that you don’t belong in a group, and feeling that you are treated not as well as other. Overall, dominant throughout your 20s, has been your unsettled feeling, anxious, stressed, double-guessing your choices, unsatisfied with the current, looking for something else.. bored..  all this happening at different jobs and life circumstances, including when you were finally satisfied with your job (and regardless of you being a high-income earner, being able to purchase a house, and send gifts and money to your parents for a house in your home country).

    The nature of your anxiety and overall emotional experience, seems to me, is much more of a product of your childhood experience than it is a product of your various adulthood experiences. I imagine that you either received too little approval, attention and praise from your parents, and/ or that you were criticized or blamed too much for making mistakes.. maybe not in loud, violent ways, but a quiet, subtle ways. Maybe as a child you did not feel that you belonged, and maybe you felt that you were treated not as well as others. I see all around me (and within me) how adults keep re-experiencing their childhood experience in a variety of adult life circumstances.

    You are welcome to let me know your thoughts about the excerpts I started this post with, as well as my thoughts following.




    Oh, boy. That’s a heavy load. I’m a hot mess myself so I don’t have good advice for you. Nevertheless, I’m sorry you have to deal with the aftereffects of getting scammed out of so much money.


    Hi Doremi,

    Some of the most important lessons we have to learn in life cost us. A lot.

    I know it’s hard, but try to look past the loss of money. Again, I know it’s tough, but, you’ll make the money back. You have a good paying job–that’s a blessing!

    I think it might be helpful to look deeper, so that you don’t let this kind of thing happen again. You might want to ask yourself how you let this happen. It doesn’t seem like anyone forced you. You chose these men and agreed to give them your money. You did make a choice here. I know that’s hard to hear too, but that’s how we learn to be better!

    So what about these men made you trust them? More importantly, how do you evaluate someone’s character? If someone is rich, does that mean they are good? If someone uses flowery language, do you automatically believe them?  Do you have to ask more questions of someone, make someone gain your trust before you invest your time or money in them?  (I think the answer here is YES 🙂 )

    These are all really important issues to evaluate, especially since you are looking for a partner. Something in you must have known these guys were full of it – human beings have good instincts. Maybe you just didn’t listen to yourself? I don’t know, only you can answer that. But honestly though, there is a bright side here:  money comes and goes, you can always make it back. But time is far more valuable than money. So at least you didn’t marry one of them, you know? That would be much, much worse.

    Take good care of yourself,

    Pink 🙂




    Hello my friend,

    I share some ideas for you. I only invite to to quietly and patiently contemplate. Depends you.

    When mistakes are seen correctly, they can be the door to greater enlightenment and self discovery and development.

    Though, from wrong seeing, many mistakes become like a traveling partner to the end of each life. Though this kind of traveling partner is a thief of your inner treasures and holds the key to your inner prison.

    Meaning, keeping an emotional attachment to mistakes destroys the conditions needed to keep growing and moving with the life. ‘Keep’ is the name of the inner prison of many.

    All mistakes have a different appearance. So I do not focus on the appearance of your mistake as it is your cause and effect.

    How to overcome? Purpose of overcome is to escape attachment to mistakes.

    Sincerely accept everything as YOUR mistake. If you are quiet inside, you will see that from following your emotions created the path for cause and effect to appear on the time.

    Accept means you no hide from yourself and face to face with everything to sincerely see and understand the nature of mistake.

    Observe mistakes like an object outside of you. So you clearly understand the cause and nature of mistake. Try to observe from awareness and wisdom, not the feeling about it. Must courage to let the feelings go and just observe without judgement.

    When you clearly see and understand, then from observation, look for the better way next time if same situation appears.

    Then you fix everything inside. Fix means… Once you see, understand and know clearly about mistake and the cause. You must begin clear and clean everything inside. Clean and clear means.. You forgiveness with yourself.

    Forgiveness and love, love and forgiveness are one. Which creates the space for you to escape and overcome yourself.

    As long as you continue to hold emotions that appear as regret or guilt, you create a new mistake from not seeing clearly that the life always moves and changes. Must courage to let everything go, put down the emotion, the attachment, to grow up from the situation so you are ready with the life. Ready to face new possibilities with confidence and faith discovered from each experience.

    Important detail is this… Once you see, understand, fix and clear.. You must grateful for mistake. Because mistake shows you that when we lose awareness. When awareness comes late, and emotions lead.. many troubles appear.

    If you can courage to see everything from another corner.. you will see that good and bad only comes from emotions attached to a discriminatory View from only seeing the appearance of the life. Emotions are always the path for cause and effect to appear. On the time, must pay my friend.

    Now your lucky. Everything has finished and you must good behavior with your effect. Remove the inner judgement, the inner discrimination and you will see, everything is ok. Only the physical effect remains which you will finish on the time.

    Lastly.. ‘Forget everything’. This is difficult practice for many because from the habit of false thinking they believe holding emotions about each mistake and repeating it over and over is useful in proving to everyone how sorry they are. No need my friend.

    Why so,

    Your purpose, and the purpose of your Soul in the life is to keep growing up. To keep growing like the big tree of the forest we must courage to continuously clear and clean all emotional attachment to an imaginary past or situations.

    I can tell you that the path of my self enlightenment was through numberless doors of mistakes.

    You must courage to clean and clear everything inside, to put down, to cut the strings of attachment to the appearances of mistakes in the life. Meditation is a way to do this.. Because in stillness and quiet we can clean everything inside. Clean the mirror of awareness from the dirt and dust caused by emotions.

    I do not say this is easy or hard. Because everything depends upon your courage and self determination to practice NO KEEP.

    You can be sure of this, the life is always trouble.. This situation comes and goes, means another waits.. Use each mistake like the rock that sharpens the sword of Wisdom. As you grow and develop, so to does your awareness and skill to see everything clearer and faster. That is the value from sincere practice.

    The time does not care your mistakes or your feelings.. Your Soul is your Soul, please forget any delusional ideas that it is damaged or broken or lost.. No my friend. The law of the Soul follows the law of the Soul. Together with your body, like friends to the end until the Body reaches its limit.

    Relax with the life. Peace with mistakes. Remove the judgment, the discrimination and come back to balance by letting what has passed, be washed away like writing in the sand.

    Must courage in each step. Confidence to face to face with whatever comes or does not come.

    See everything as it is now. Grateful for now. Grateful for the life and experience. Grateful for the gold rocks of wisdom that are left over for you to pick up once you wash and clear everything inside.

    My friend,

    I wish you peace in each step.

    The life exists within each breath. Keep going my friend.

    No keep = FREE. (inside)

    Thank you so much,



    Hi Anita, Pink, and Wind. Thank you so much for the respond. It helps me to see things more clearly.

    I have a lot of up and down, when I am happy usually I don’t go to forum and ask for help. That’s why you only see me once a while when I feel down, and sad.

    It was two different guys, I chatted with them at the same time. One told me about bitcoin, and another is like lottery app investment. I know that I am so stupid, I keep blaming myself how can I easily trust someone with their words. My uncle told me, it is not because of stupidity, but because they are professional scammers, they already know how to lie, persuade, manipulate, people. And I keep feeling sad.

    I know it is my fault as well, I was too naive, I thought everyone is good in this world. I never meet with evil people, even around me people can be annoying or disagree with me, but I never meet with someone who are trully very evil like robbers, scammers, killers, etc. People around me are usually good people, nice, and treat me well. Even when I travels, usually people out of nowhere help me. This incident made me realise people can be very evil, and I was very shock, and cried a lot.

    I didn’t know whether I should work harder, tried to make money on the side to pay all my debt. Or should I just give it up, meditate, and let my salary pay everything within time. I have tried both, but I keep feel sad most of the time.

    Btw, thank you so much for accompany me and hear my stories. I know it is my fault, I just want to find ways to be strong and successful again. Also, to forgive myself… and learn the lesson. Thank you.


    Dear Doremi:

    “I never meet with evil people, even around me people can be annoying or disagree with me, but I never meet with someone who are truly very evil like robbers, scammers, killers, etc… This incident made me realise people can be very evil, and I was very shock, and cried a lot”- scary, isn’t it, a scary reality. Be careful then, from now on.

    “Or should I just give it up, meditate, and let my salary pay everything within time”- if there is nothing you can do to legally get your money back, then accepting the loss is your only reasonable choice. Come to peace with what happened, no longer angry at yourself, hush the guilt.. you were victimized, do not victimize yourself further.

    Professional counseling/ psychotherapy  can help you further with the goals you stated: (1) “to find ways to be strong and successful again”, (2) “to forgive myself”, and (3) “learn the lesson”.

    Also, there is a website called Romance Scam Survivor. org that you may want to look into, there are a lot of long entries there, including  “Stories from female victims”, “How to recover”, and  “The shame of being scammed”. A part of the latter: “Firstly, we are ashamed of our own ability to not see through the scammer, because we have believed in their words and promises. We have thought we had something ‘special’. There is a societal expectations that we should be an effective judge of character and on this occasion we have been found wanting… Secondly, we feel shame because we have not had the security of our money as the highest motivation…”.



    Dear doremi:

    On June 30, 2021, over seven months ago, you wrote: “I have a lot of up and down, when I am happy usually, I don’t go to forum and ask for help. That’s why you only see me once a while when I feel down, and sad” – does it mean that you’ve been happy all this time???


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