November 17, 2019 at 4:09 pm #323345sadgirlParticipant
i am in a relationship with someone going on five years now. He has always been more closed off except around me he opens up. I am INFJ , He is INTP. We both understand each others inner worlds and that is why we connect. However we can have BAD disagreements and usually I am the one hurt and he is mad and im begging for him to call me and he can go all day without talking to me. How can I come off mature and not overly emotional like i alaywas am. I want him to desire me more and find me attractive. I want to have him chasing me for once onot chasing him all the time when he even admitted to me that his mom noticed he doesnt treat me that well in public and that he has tendencies to act like his father which was emotionally abussive. I am in emotional distress. He hasnt called me all day after an arguemnt adn i am really hurt. What do i do? i want to get married, i want him to COME TO ME and meet me where i am . I pracitcally helped shaped his mind to where he is now and his mom thanked me for turning her son into a man but now hes like on a high horse and thinks he knows eveyrthing . help me do i call him ? do i just go an entire 24 hours without talking to him?November 18, 2019 at 7:53 am #323419anitaParticipant
I will answer your posts on the other thread (as well as the original post on this new thread) here so to avoid scrolling down that long, long post on the other thread, easier this way.
You are a recovering heroine addict, sober for about a year. Your boyfriend (in his late thirties) is also a recovering addict, sober for about four or five years. After 3 years together in a relationship, sober, you found out that he was sending nude photos of himself to other people online, and you relapsed. He then kicked you out of the place you shared and you spent a year without him, using and sick with endocarditis. After that year the two of you reunited and have lived together for about year, at this point.
Within the relationship the two of you “clash so much” and have “BAD disagreements” where you are “the one hurt and he is mad”. Following those arguments he won’t talk to you and you beg him and chase him, sending him multiple messages while he is at work. You referred to yourself as “overly emotional like I always am”.
This is my understanding of your situation: like you wrote yourself, you are indeed overly emotional, meaning you often become illogical and irrational. (I am not one to judge, I’ve been this way myself). What happens is that you feel some distress, usually it is you feeling hurt, and you hold him responsible your hurt, as if he caused it so it is his job to fix it.
Sometimes he does cause your hurt, for example, when he sent nude photos of himself to other people online while in a relationship with you. But often he does not cause your hurt. it only feels to you that he does. Often he says something that is not about you and you take it personally, as if he meant something hurtful about you.
What happens next is that you are “holding him hostage” and “harassing” him, wanting “to know why he said something”, just like he said. You don’t really want to argue, you want to feel better… so you.. argue. Next, he gets angry because you argue so much, and you feel even more hurt because he is angry!
Like he told you, “You are so forceful and pushy”, you do provoke him: “You provoke me then act surprised when I get mad!” (When he told you that you provoke him, your answer was “I DIDNT PROVOKE YOU”- arguing more).
Understandably he gets angry: “I’m not spending my entire day off messaging back and forth with you. You make me feel like I can’t breathe sometimes”, he told you. Your response: “you are so hurtful”-
– no he is not hurtful, he is suffering. He wants to have a relaxing day off. He should have a relaxing day off- he works, pays bills, sober- he deserves a relaxing day off, free from being harassed and held hostage by you!
Your user name is sadgirl, but more appropriate would be hurtgirl, because you often feel hurt and you hold him responsible for it. (I think that you use “sad” and “hurt” interchangeably). Sometimes you threaten to commit suicide because, you claim, he hurts you. You told him: “I won’t bother you anymore.. I am going to make sure you don’t have to worry about me anymore” and your comment on that quote was: “I meant.. not suicidal, I only want to die when I am REALLY HURT”.
Let’s look at the example you gave: he posted a quote on Instagram “about our realities possibly being a hallucination”. You responded with a question to him: “so I’m not real to you? .. that makes me sad”. His response: “why would you ask me such a thing… it’s not directed towards you… The quote has nothing to do with you… You just want to argue… Leave me alone let me have a relaxing weekend”.
You told him at one point: “you are hurting me. You keep hurting me more” him: “you’re always hurt…you get hurt over nothing” “I can hardly say anything with you getting bent out of shape… You don’t listen at all and always draw your own conclusions“-
-you are often hurt, a whole lot of times, over nothing that he did or say wrong. The hurt is already in you and it gets easily activated over.. nothing he did. It is really true that you don’t listen to him. What you hear are voices, or thoughts in your own head based on your childhood experience where people, maybe a parent, really did hurt you. You inaccurately project that past experience into your boyfriend, feeling that he is hurting you.. when he is not.
You told him at one point: “you don’t see how you were the one who kept saying something hurtful KNOWING I WAS CLEARLY HURT ALREADY”- it is not his fault that you often feel hurt, not his doing. But you are stuck in feeling and believing that it is his fault.
When he told you: “you keep saying I’m hurt over nothing”, he wasn’t invalidating your feelings, he was correct in his understanding that your hurt feelings, most often, have nothing to do with him, nothing to do with what he said or did.
Interesting, you wrote: “he keeps perceiving me the wrong way”, when it is you who keeps perceiving what he says and does the wrong way.
In summary: no way any man you live with can get away from being accused of causing you hurt, be it the .. most perfect man imaginable. Something any man says will activate your I-an-hurt theme and you will bring it up to him, leading to a dragged out on-and-on-and-on argument. I believe you when you wrote that you don’t intend to argue, but the result is the same nonetheless.
It is not good for his physical and mental health that you argue with him, holding him hostage whenever you feel hurt. He mentioned his blood pressure, he is a recovering addict, not good for him.
November 18, 2019 at 12:08 pm #323471InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
Maybe you should be by yourself. Then you can see clearly if it’s “him” or if it’s “you”. You know what I mean?
Taking a break could give him a kick in the pants if it is mostly “him”.
Wishing you peace!
InkyNovember 19, 2019 at 9:42 am #323589CyndieParticipant
Look up narcissism – he might be one!