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I need some extra support! My son is a teenager and struggling with his mental

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  • #409292
    Lori
    Participant

    Hi. This is a new experience for me please bare with me. I’m 48, a single disabled mom, with zero family and I was cut off from them all stop communicating with me the day my mother passed and it’s not important at all anymore. My son’s father, my ex husband, is a very disabled person who is not able to accept the fact that it’s over for us and that happened when our son was two and a half. So instead of acting as a dad he just focuses on his relationship with me, even has zero knowledge or have any relationship with my son. My son has had a tough upbringing with challenges that most children through. He’s been in therapy since I left his dad. So the current one he’s been with for ten years and knows me that long as well I am grateful for that man. He has been a plus. The school district, in my village, unfortunately is biased towards poor people and the people mainly focus on ones socioeconomic status, to me, my child has been through many different types of problems with teachers, assistant teachers, kids it was so bad in middle school that my child, my baby wanted to die. Thankful that he came to me instead and also that what is happening in the present isn’t like that. He’s been trying to get back on schedule with school however this year as junior they’re piling up work that the board of education is like I can’t even think about it because it’s so much a problem with the kids and in ny they’re way too strict and unfair in my opinion especially considering how much they have been through as children. In the third week of school my son had the flu and was out the whole week.  Now he’s not been able to get back into school for a steady pace at all.  I’ve scheduled meetings, I’ve spoken with my son and his psychologist at school who btw made me feel completely uncomfortable the other day I literally said to her that I had to go because I was not feeling like I was being heard and instead of being respectful she kept going I just hung up. I now have a somewhat feeling of things he’s experiencing inside of school. So we’d had a meeting recently and he agreed that he was going to do his best, but I know my son and my child just said yes until they stopped speaking to him, these people in his school he’ll continue to say ok. Yes. because he’s never been protected he feels uncomfortable he doesn’t really trust any of the teachers at all or staff period and considering the fact that he wasn’t protected when he was bullied so badly he wanted to not live ok, I feel that his feelings are valid. So in their presence period, he tries, does the best he can and in response to him he gets more negative reinforcement.  So that’s the school to which I’ve got a meeting already scheduled for this because as a parent and an person period, it’s just not okay by any means in my opinion.  In regards to his mental health I’m taking him to therapy today, he’s seeing a psychiatrist on Monday and my son is the one who came to me for that to talk about.  I have a plan and i feel positive about it and remain hopeful. I’ve not been able to have any support regarding this topic because I stay usually alone, I’ve just been doing my own thing and I’m not worried about another just trying to work on myself personally and professionally. I have to share that I was raised by a malignant narcissist and my dads emotional state died in Vietnam. I’m afraid of people. I don’t trust easily. I can tell a person the best advice because I do have a ton unfortunately of life experience in general bad things this is a first virtual ask for support, for me. I’m the adult. I’m not sleeping. I’m mentally exhausted. I’m so sad I cry uncontrollably for hours late after he’s sleeping. I do my schoolwork and I contribute towards my own mental health and mindfulness I mean you suggest something I’ll try it, hopefully it works. I’m just really feeling sad because my kid is sweet considerate thoughtful kind loving affectionate caring loving I mean I broke the cycle when I became a mom with him so he’s an absolute pleasure and blessing. He’s my whole life. I love him so much. I feel completely powerless angry at god because why my kid I say or write it down I don’t understand why him and I feel just so empathetic towards his situation because he’s been through a lot he’s a very strong kid that has pulled him self through some difficult situations that he’s unfortunately seen me through like surgeries, so yes I’m mad about if it’s directed towards the school or my god idk I’m exhausted. There’s not enough conversation going on concerning the children that were greatly affected by this Pandemic. It hit my child and it’s like almost a shock to his system that unfortunately less parents want to be able to understand the importance and urgency of this issue/s going on with the youth. So he’s become  off his regular schedule that I’ve had him adjusted to since he was 9 months old. He tries. He listens. He’s communicating however in my gut I know there’s more than what he’s saying it’s what he’s not saying that is truly bothering me.  Im scared, alone, I love my boy, I am helpless and heartbroken. So I remain hopeful and get to this site as much as possible and I speak to another friend that also has been through major trauma parenting is a different ball game entirely. So I am being optimistic, I’m open and honest looking for support, validation maybe empathy idk what to expect I know I’m afraid and that’s ok to. Thank you all so much if you’ve only just read a little I’m thankful.

    #409305
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    You wrote in your reply to another member: “The current things I’m trying to do are like keep my household quiet and calm“- excellent, Lori: : there is nothing anxious kids need more than calm parents and a quiet household. So please continue to keep yourself as calm and your home as quiet as it is possible for you.

    I give him plenty of space, I tell him ok I’d like to check in sometime today please let me know when you’d like to talk“- again, excellent: kids need emotional support and space/ privacy.

    My son’s father…  is not able to accept the fact that it’s over for us and that happened when our son was two and a half… He’s been in therapy since I left his dad“- do you mean that your high school junior son has been in therapy ever since he was 2.5 years-old or close to that age?

    So the current (therapist) he’s been with for ten years… I know that he’s suffering from anxiety but I’m not sure which disorder because I’m no dr“- all these years in therapy and no diagnosis or diagnoses were made in regard to your son?

    I’ve scheduled meetings, I’ve spoken with my son and his psychologist at school.. I’m taking him to therapy today, he’s seeing a psychiatrist on Monday“- you are very caring and active mother in regard to your son’s welfare. I admire you for this!

    There is a lot more that you shared, and if you’d like, we can communicate in regard to all that you shared (and all that you will share) over time. I wish you and your son well and hope to read more from you (I will soon be away from the computer for much of the day).

    anita

    #409315
    Lori
    Participant

    Hi Anita! Thanks for reaching out that means a lot. So you wanted clarification on a few things  because I have Cptsd and a panic disorder so when I left I did everything the same including his sleep schedule day care everything. I got a fucking therapist (cursing towards his ass, I apologize for the rude response), I made double sure to not just provide and protect but prevent the worst possible scenario when I was in the situation I’m thinking I don’t want this to screw him up so when they’re young like that they aren’t very serious it’s a much more pleasant experience for the kids because they interact through play therapy. It worked until she suggested medication to which I said ya just no bye and took my time. Unfortunately some trauma happened to my child when he was only 6, I’m speaking as a survivor as a trauma patient but this killed my soul so immediately after the police eventually the mf got off because his brother erased the video of the actual incident and then he was represented as a home owner while I’m lying because I’m jealous and crazy ya know the corruption in the mf justice system but I’m grateful that the detective assigned was a mom because I almost went to prison and she saved my son and I. So then I found a real social worker not a psychologist I mean he’s only seen one shrink his entire life, no medicine ever, he’s a very strong independent young man who is quietly slowly shutting down because he’s suffering from severe mental health issues and I don’t feel comfortable disclosing because it’s awkward but to clarify the difference between a social worker and a psychologist is starkly different. Social workers are and have a Tom of more opportunities or effects that work rather than just talk therapy and I always interview every person who is a dr that’s meeting with my child. Hey I know I’m mentally handicapped but I’m not unstable ok I take medication every day I go to my therapy I apply my mindfulness skills so I can show him the best version of my motherhood and I want him to understand how you have to just show up or communicate ya know. So hopefully I answered your questions and I would really like to take the time and thank you so much and the saddest part is I’m completely shut down that I can’t even look or read the compliments or the nice words and points you were making I had rushed through but that’s ok I’ll try again. Thank you. Your a bleed woman who made a difference in my life today and i thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️. Ty. I’m crying now so I just got to get through tonight then tomorrow I’m mainly focused on his life because unless he’s exactly where he wanna be and he’s feeling comfortable until this happens I’ll not stop being an advocate or voice for my son. The saddest fact is that the districts in f NYC AND NY period treat you like y’all share custody no I don’t think so. I have a plan I’ll be meeting again at the school this week I’ve already started the list and he is the one who came to me a year ago asking if I knew anything about social anxiety um ya hi I’m the definition so when he kegit stated mom I think I need more help. To me I’m not a fan of a pill making things disappear it doesn’t work like that so I’ll be interviewing that dr and if anything is suggested for my son we’ll make a very informative decision because I’m still concerned regarding his brain development and health. All in all you made me smile thank you I have a plan pretty scheduled out to and unfortunately due to my pathetic past I know about medication all too well. Ok you stay blessed and healthy and have a wonderful weekend. !🌹

    #409327
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. I want to read your recent post and reply further tomorrow morning (in about 11 hours from now) because this evening, I am too tired and unfocused. I hope you have a restful night. I’ll be back to you Sun morning.

    anita

    #409353
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    You shared that you were “raised by a malignant narcissist“, by a father whose “emotional state died in Vietnam“. As a result, you (48) are “afraid of people… don’t trust easily“. You describe yourself as “a single disabled mom, with zero family… stay usually alone… mentally exhausted… have C-ptsd and a panic disorder“. Your son was traumatized when he was 6, but the person who traumatized him was not held accountable and you are therefore very dissatisfied and angry with the justice system. Now a teenager, attending high school as a junior, he suffers from “severe mental health issues“. He has been seeing one particular therapist for the last 10 years, and you will be taking him to see a psychiatrist tomorrow (Monday).  You are very unsatisfied with the school board and the school district that your son attends (NY).  You believe that the staff and teachers are way too strict, unfair, not to be trusted, and that they terribly failed your son when they did not protect him from being bullied in middle school.

    I’ll not stop being an advocate or voice for my son“- excellent. To continue to advocate for him and to advocate for him even better, you will need to calm down and keep yourself calm. As my therapist of 10 years ago told me: when your anger is up, your IQ is down. Anger interrupts and suppresses intelligence, that’s just the way it is.

    I thank you so much and the saddest part is I’m completely shut down that I can’t even look or read the compliments or the nice words and points you were making I had rushed through but that’s ok I’ll try again“-

    – You are welcome. You love your son very much, you care so much.. too much, in the sense that you get yourself worked up. It will get better for you and for your son if you keep yourself as calm as possible, and if you plan ahead of time what you will say to the psychiatrist tomorrow (and in other settings,  to any staff member in the school district, school board, etc.). Write/ type what you plan to say and when time comes (you are in the psychiatrist’s office, or in an office with a school district administrator, etc.)- have the typed paper in front of you, and if you need to-  read out loud from your notes, so that you come across as the intelligent, sensible and loving mother that you are. I am rooting for you and for your son!

    anita

    #409360
    Lori
    Participant

    Hey Anita ,

    I’m not really sure what time zone you’re actually in I’m in ny so it’s EST, anyway I love some of the excellent stuff wadded to help myself practice and get prepared. The #Z1- thing As my therapist of 10 years ago told me: when your anger is up, your IQ is down. Anger interrupts and suppresses intelligence, that’s just the way it is.

    this is awesome and really does make a huge amount of sense I’ve already tried it and it works. Thank you very much.
    so I’m thankful so much for your support. I don’t have friends and you’re right I never feel safe we’ll sometimes I may be calm but I’m always in survival mode right cause that’s how we survive. But I just am really doing my damndest to keep controlling myself and using any mindfulness skills I can use to not let my feelings or anger affect him however I know he senses it he’s a very intelligent kid. Anyway today is my birthday and I have been really blessed with my health and my son I am feeling out of sorts but I’m just really staying connected with this page, reading blogs etc doing everything possible honestly. Anita thank you again your a really great person and I don’t even know you but I can tell that you’re very intuitive and real.  I actually look for those special qualities in a friend because I value and an the same along with brutal honesty and I am a asshole sometimes I can admit that I am far from perfect I call myself perfectly imperfect!! Anyway I got mostly all the paperwork for the meeting. His anxiety issues is exactly why a psychiatrist will be speaking with my kid because he had this one Dr who I almost attacked after he told my boy at the tender age of 7 dad that my kid was going to become a most kids, loser, a truant, he’ll that he’s destined to fail! Oh AND , he’ll  become addicted to drugs than most.   Immediately I jumped over his desk and grabbed his tie I mean I lost it because I’ve never seen such unethical behavior in my life. I saw him the following week and I caught him before he could escape inside his nasty stink office I whispered to him just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t make you intelligent and also it’s a very good thing I don’t smell booze on you and then he reacted immediately and shouted Security they came I dgaf because my son was crying until he fell asleep, I told security that he was a drunk and when he seen my poore baby that he said directly to my child’s face he’s gonna be nothing but a loser I think he was drunk and if you don’t use your breathalyzer on him I’m calling the police on him he in no way has the mental capacity to treat one single soul he’s damaging and hurting ppl that’s dangerous for ppl like my kid and it’s just unacceptable and if he wasn’t immediately placed on leave and then it just kept going so tomorrow girl trust me before he even got a question to ask I’m interviewing him period and especially if they speak about medicine because of the length of a psychiatric history (because my mother was so embarrassed of me), I’ve been had 57 different mental illness diagnoses from the DSM, really I was getting legally high I was bugging cause I didn’t care if I died did anything and everything man I’m just grateful I had standards and morals and values idk where they came from but I’ve always been kind. There’s not enough kindness in today’s whole world. I got mad heart and I’m loyal caring etc girl I trust that you might know where it came from cause my parents weren’t like that at all. Anyway I’ve gotta many baby his favorite dinner. I’ll definitely finished with everything I’ve got ready for the meeting and take your advice and I’m going takee a i screenshot of that quote from your therapist I think it’s wonderful. I’m really almost completely done with everything needed for the meeting however your right an agenda nigh help me not lose my shit. Ok so grit it. Thanks queen!  This is incredible and I am very grateful and thankfuly for your support. Thank you so much and your a truly beautiful soul and I feel lucky we’ve connected. I’m glad I took the risk. Ok goodnight. Lori. 🌹

    #409366
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    I am looking forward to read and reply to you Mon morning, in about 10 hours from now (West Coast)

    anita

    #409399
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    today is my birthday” (Oct 30)- I didn’t read it until just now, otherwise I would have wished you happy birthday yesterday, on time!

    H a P p Y (belated)    B i R t H d A y   L o R i  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    It is now (as I submit this) Monday 11 am my time, 2 pm your time. Heavily raining here, on and off (64% rain in the weather forecast), 1% rain where you are at (according to online forecast)?

    I got mostly all the paperwork for the meeting“- I wonder if you got all the paperwork ready before the meeting with the psychiatrist today (Monday), and I wonder if the meeting is over by the time you read this?

    sometimes I may be calm but I’m always in survival mode…  But I just am really doing my darndest to keep controlling myself and using any mindfulness skills I can use to not let my feelings or anger affect him however“- this is major, that you are doing all you can to not affect your son negatively. You wrote earlier that you are taking medication, any of it supposed to alleviate anxiety?

    I can tell that you’re very intuitive and real.  I actually look for those special qualities in a friend because I value… along with brutal honesty and I am a asshole sometimes I can admit that I am far from perfect I call myself perfectly imperfect!!“- thank you. I just smiled reading this: perfectly imperfect.. I like that!

    He had this one Dr who I almost attacked after he told my boy at the tender age of 7  that my kid was going to become a…  loser, a truant, he’ll that he’s destined to fail!…  Immediately I jumped over his desk and grabbed his tie, I mean, I lost it“- did he say what he said to your son in front of you (did you hear it?), and did you jump over his desk, etc. in front of your son?

    I saw him the following week and I caught him before he could escape inside his nasty stink office I whispered to him just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t make you intelligent and also it’s a very good thing I don’t smell booze on you and then he reacted immediately and shouted Security they came…. I’m just grateful I had standards and morals and values idk where they came from but I’ve always been kind.“- I think that this is the longest, run-on sentence I ever read, way over 200 words, and only 3 commas. What this tells me is that when you get emotional/ angry, you keep going and going…  and going.

    Was your son present during any of this?

    Looking at the content of this world’s longest run-on sentence (in my experience), this is what you did: you whispered to that doctor: “just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t make you intelligent“- I agree. He then “Shouted security“, you told security that he was dangerous to people, like to your son, that he should be placed on leave, that he was drunk, and that if security does not use a breathalyzer on him, you will call the police.

    Was this doctor present in the meeting with the psychiatrist, and if so, what was his part in the meeting (was security present)?

    The last part of this longest sentence: “I’ve been had 57 different mental illness diagnoses from the DSM, really I was getting legally high I was bugging cause I didn’t care if I died did anything and everything man I’m just grateful I had standards and morals and values idk where they came from but I’ve always been kind.” – you are welcome to list the diagnoses that you believe still apply to you.

    Thank you for your kind words, Lori. I hope to read from you soon, about the meeting, and how you and your son are doing.

    anita

    #409447
    Lori
    Participant

    Hi Anita!  I’d like to thank you for pointing out the run on sentences. The thing that struck out was I was experiencing anxiety as I was typing. I hadn’t even noticed that at all. I’m appreciative of people such as yourself that point out that type of stuff because it’s important to me. As I’d rereading my response to you I’m in agreement with you it was really unorganized and difficult to understand. I want to say that I’ve been working with the therapist I’ve got currently for over 16 years, she’s got a PhD in Psychology and she’s also a Traumatologist. She’s imperative in my life as I don’t ignore my mental health and I face my struggles head on. I’m definitely struggling with my physical symptoms as far as my panic disorder is concerned I will attest to that as well as the writing reflects that as well. I also wanted to just let you know I’ve got a meeting scheduled tomorrow morning with my son’s high school to coordinate and hopefully find a solution within school to help him get up to speed with his courses which if not I’m going to have to think of an alternative option to solve the problem. I will be honest and thank you again for your observations regarding the writing because it really helped me to see clearly how my  own emotions can just become so overwhelming at times that I have to really pay more attention towards them and regularly try mindfulness and other skills in my toolbox of skills that I implement in regards to my regulating my emotions. I also have to thank you for your support, and feedback. I found it incredibly helpful and I didn’t feel so alone.  Hopefully we can chat on the future. For now I’ve got to go back and finish my schoolwork before I head to bed. I wish you a peaceful night and sleep well. Goodnight. Thanks again.
    lori.

    #409449
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    I will read and reply Wed morning.

    anita

    #409474
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lori:

    I’d like to thank you for pointing out the run on sentences. The thing that struck out was I was experiencing anxiety as I was typing“- you are welcome. This is what anxiety does: it rushes, it’s in a hurry.

    I’m in agreement with you it was really unorganized and difficult to understand. I want to say that I’ve been working with the therapist..“- keep working on slowing down the anxiety, slowing down the rush… easy does it.

    I also wanted to just let you know I’ve got a meeting scheduled tomorrow morning with my son’s high school..“- excellent, you are indeed a caring and active mother!

    I also have to thank you for your support, and feedback. I found it incredibly helpful and I didn’t feel so alone.  Hopefully we can chat on the future“- you are very welcome and yes, absolutely: we can keep chatting for a long, long time. Your last evening’s post is very organized, clear and neat, excellent job: I am impressed!

    anita

     

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