Home→Forums→Relationships→I need some insights on what should I do..?
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Anonymous.
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January 8, 2018 at 3:45 pm #185685
Baby KittyParticipantHello Tiny Buddha,
I’ve been reading a lot of your articles during my worst moments and it always helps me to see things at a different light which brings me here. A year ago I found out that I haf severe depression and anxiety. I didn’t love myself but I ignored everything and started a long distance relationship. It was toxic at first but I was happy because he gave me attention and care until he couldn’t anymore. We’ve been together for almost 9 to 10 months even though we haven’t met yet. We’ve quarreled a lot which brought me to your site and made me realize I had to be in charge of my own happiness. Which was then I started to care more for myself and I wasn’t as bad as when I started my relationship. However, after a few more hurdles my relationship couldn’t take it and we had to say our goodbyes. I got emotional and thought of cutting him off once and for all but I couldn’t because I just liked him being there and around. I didn’t want to lose him. I gave myself about 3-4 days because I couldn’t last longer to think properly if I really wanted him and decided to give him 4 choices. 1 was to break up and cut all contacts. 2 was to break up but remain friends. 3 was to continue our relationship but have some time off to cool down. 4 was yo continue our relationship and try to work it out. In the end we both agreed to 2 and though we both have mutual hope to get back together… We’ve been having our long distance for 9-10 months, we didn’t really got to be friends and we’ve never met until now. I’m planning to visit him a few months later as I also have friends near him but I don’t know if it’s possible.. But at the same time I don’t know how to love myself. I’ve read a lot of your posts but I think I really just need someone to hear me out and question me so that I can find my answer… I really do want to get back with my ex because he’s taught me so much in our relationship and he’s able to make me a better person. Sure we’ve had our rough patch but don’t other relationships have them too? Asides from wanting him back, most importantly I want to know how to love myself while learning to love him..
January 9, 2018 at 8:09 am #185739
AnonymousGuestDear Baby Kitty:
You wrote: “I really just need someone to hear me out and question me so that I can find my answer”-
For me to ask you the right question, I need more information: your age, living arrangement (do you live alone or with family), are you a student, employed or unemployed, and a bit, at this point, about your childhood, past and present relationships with your parents.
anita
January 9, 2018 at 1:29 pm #185819
AmyParticipantHi Baby Kitty,
It seems in this instance that you maybe aren’t realizing the fact that while other people can definitely help us to change our habits and behaviors and the way we think about and love ourselves, it’s never *actually* the other person doing the work, it’s always been you and it always will be you, regardless of who the person you are with it. With any given relationship, platonic or romantic, you will learn many different things about yourself and each person in your life gives you an opportunity to see them as a mirror to yourself in a different way.
What I take from your submission is that you are really looking to grow and change and that self-improvement and learning about yourself is something that you really value and want to pursue. It’s great to know that this is one of your values because it will allow you to seek growth, improvement, and learning on your own time and in your own ways.
That’s not to say you should or shouldn’t get back with your ex–however, I’d love to challenge you to look back on the relationship with a different lense and ask yourself what you taught *yourself* throughout being together with him. Maybe even make a little draft of ideas and push yourself to investigate what you learned about your own behaviors and what you want out of life through being with him.
If you can start looking more into other things that you value and start getting interested in learning about what makes you tick, what type of partner you want to be with, how you want to grow further, etc. (some really hard questions!) then you can compare this to the relationship you had with him and see if he does, in fact, align with what you want your future self to be like.
Does this make sense? You deserve love and kindness from yourself and although it may seem hard to reach right now, it definitely is possible to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and compassion regardless of your relationship status. When you get more comfortable doing this, you’ll start to have a better feeling of where you want to take yourself next.
I hope this helps!
Amy
January 10, 2018 at 4:15 am #185895Baby KittyParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for taking your time to read my post. I’m sorry that I was unable to clarify more of myself.
I’m 23 this year and I’ve been living alone as I am currently studying abroad. I don’t really want to talk about my childhood but I do have severe anxiety and depression. I’m sorry I couldn’t clarify much…Kitty
January 10, 2018 at 4:23 am #185903Baby KittyParticipantDear Amy,
Thank you so much for your reply and I think that being in a relationship with him… I felt rather safe, happy and for the first time I learned how to love myself. He is a rather realistic person and he doesn’t babysit me (meaning he doesn’t just say I’m right or blindly supports me). He tells me that I have to care for myself and how I should put myself first because I told him that I put him above myself. Though there were bad moments where I felt like he should have cared more and pay more attention to me… I don’t know what’s normal / healthy anymore. Mostly because I’ve never been through a healthy? relationship.
I’m friends with him now but to be honest, I really just wanna be with him… I don’t think that the reason why I want to be with him is because I’m scared to be alone but that I just really enjoy his company. We could be really comfortable with each other and do our own things while we were in a call. Of course, I still do wish for physical touch and attention from him as that would be better than just facing the cold screen.
I’ve been focusing on other things and trying to meet more people. But it felt like something has changed in me. I don’t know what but while we are just friends. I really enjoy this new relationship with him but I still have this lingering feeling in me where I want him to be exclusive with me. I don’t really want him to move on and I don’t really want him to find someone else. But being brutally honest, I think part of me just doesn’t want him to move on before me…
I really want to meet him and see where we can go from there but I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I still like him in that way anymore… I’m really scared of losing him to be honest…
Kitty
January 10, 2018 at 5:40 am #185913AnonymousGuestDear Kitty:
You told him that you put him above yourself and he told you that you should put yourself first, above him. Good advice. In the last line of your original post you wrote: “I want to know how to love myself”.
How to love yourself, how to put yourself first, my answer:
Make thoughtful choices that will benefit you. I asked you to share about your childhood and you refused. Excellent: you didn’t answer my question just because I asked. You thought about it some, and chose not to. Being assertive, not submissive, to your boyfriend, friend, parent… stranger, is a very important part of loving yourself and putting yourself first.
Consider your benefit when considering an action. Will this benefit me, ask yourself. What will be the benefit to me.
Make your life intentional, that is, become mindful. Avoid operating the same old ways because of habit, because you are inclined this way or that way. Think, consider a possible better way. Pay attention and learn from your ongoing experience what benefits you.
Relationships with others should be Win-Win. A win for you and a win for the other person. This is the assertive way, unlike the passive Lose-Win, or the aggressive Win-Lose.
anita
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