ms1681 – I think I understand how you’re feeling, I’ve been there, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s definitely a blow to our ego when someone doesn’t want to be with us. I had a similar situation, however I ended things with the hope it would jump him into action and put more attention on me and our relationship.

For soothing the pain: just allow it. Breakups are hard. It’s okay to be sad and to grieve the loss. Allow yourself some time to heal and be kind to yourself. Meaning, don’t beat yourself up for being sad. If you have bad days it’s ok. They’ll lessen over time and become less frequent.

I would like to also say, his feelings and choices have nothing to do with you. There could be a plethora of reasons whey he wants to move on and none of them have anything to do with your worth. He could be dealing with his own insecurities, really want to work on his finances or just not willing to commit to you. Anyway you look at it moving on is the only thing you can do.

By understanding that you’re holding on to something you have no control over maybe you’ll better be able to let go? Look at this; you cannot control his thoughts, feelings and choices. By trying to understand sometimes we’re hoping it will give us the answer as to how to make it work. I find that most of the time when I’m obsessing over something or I’m sad, angry or depressed it’s because (subconsciously) I think it will get me what I want. One of my favorite philosophers says “it’s never the situation that’s bad, its our thoughts about it.” meaning, the situation is what it is, our mind labels it good and bad. How long it takes to let go is entirely up to you.

After a similar experience, I worked on what I can control, my actions, I now try not to cling. I practice meditation, self-love and compassionate empathy and allow anything that wasn’t meant for me to remove itself. It took me several months to get to a happy place after my breakup with noted BF. I was attached and had expectations of our relationship that I had no control over. When I realized that expectations are just premeditated resentments it became much easier trust the process and the impermanence of things in my life.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and you’re doing the right things! Stay busy, have fun and get out with your friends. Enjoy the time this has freed up for you to do what makes you happy.

Dear ms1681:

I am thinking that what might have happened is the following: he is under pressure with all the things you mentioned, work, bills, loans, future planning- things that are either no fun at all or require such seriousness (his art portfolios) that at this time, they are not fun. So you tried to make it easier for him, do the things that make sense: stay home and not go out to avoid expenses, is one.

So there he is on a weekday or any day and he gets really stressed, distressed, anxious, uncomfortable and need a release- right there and then. So he has friends close by, no travel required, no in-advance planning to get together, so he calls them or goes out and meet where he knows they will be, maybe down the street and so he does that, have a few laughs, a drink maybe and he feels better, somewhat recovered for the next day and the next series of responsibilities.

And he needs to do it repeatedly, so he did. He didn’t tell you because maybe, his ex story is true and he doesn’t want that distress again. (Remember my point is he needs occasional relief of distress, not adding to it). Then you find out and you react in such a way that, as he predicted, adds to his distress.

So he lets you go. Not that you are not good enough, but that his immediate need day in and day out is to relieve distress as it occurred, without prior planning and travel.

Your efforts to make it easier for him were well meant but you missed his greatest need: fun/ release of distress when needed, as needed (and understandably so) and he needed No Additional Distress.

It was not about you not being good enough. Not at all.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear ms1681:

You want to accept the ending of this relationship and to soothe the pain because you are hurting. It hurts when someone chooses to not have us in their lives… as if we were not important enough for them and after we tried so hard. Two things I am thinking: learn (over time) all you can learn from this relationship, now in the past and heal from this heart break. It is an injury that requires healing. Please do use this thread to learn/ heal, over time. Be patient with the process and gentle with yourself.

anita