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I need to let go of the need to be the most beautiful

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  • #330213
    Ylva
    Participant

    I’ve been with my fiance for four years. Our relationship have always been good, except for the waves of my emotional break downs. After some pondering I’ve come to realize that the problem can be boiled down to a simple basic need: My need to be the prettiest girl in the room (any rom).

    He’s always complimented me on my looks and make sure I know that he is attracted to me. However, whenever we are in a situation where we encounter OTHER attractive girls, my confidence droops. Just for the record, I’m satisfied with my looks. I take care of my body, I eat healthy and excersise regularly. I’m not really insecure and for the most part I feel pretty. But I forget that if I feel that my looks are “threatened” by someone else. I know, I know. Another woman’s beauty doesn’t make me ugly. But telling yourself that is difficult when you’re in the middle of an uncomfortable situation.

    Luckily my fiance doesn’t stare at other women (I’ve told him I find that hurtful and he respects that). But I can’t really demand him to find me, and only me, beautiful, or even the most beautiful. I really want to work on letting go of the need to be the MOST beautiful. I need to find some inner peace, so that me and my SO can go to the beach together, go to the night club together, go to retreats together, without me stressing about other beautiful girls.

    So please: Any tips? Any thoughts? Anything?

    I should also mention that I identify as a bisexual, so in addition to be jealous of other girls, I might even find them attractive. So I’m super confused and can’t really talk with my man about it. After my emotional fits he want me to work on myself and I don’t want to drag him into my problems again. I need to find some solid ground before I can vent to him.

    #330249
    Valora
    Participant

    It sounds to me like this desire to be the prettiest girl in the room is filling some deep-seeded need of yours, it offers a comfort to you, which means you have a belief that needs to be changed. The hard part is figuring out what that belief or need is, but once you do, you’ll be able to begin to change it. I once had a shopping addiction that I had to do this with, and once I figured out what the REAL issue was and changed my beliefs by coming to realizations that helped me, the addiction just sort of vanished.

    The only way I’ve found to do this is to ask yourself questions and follow the trail of answers until you get to the root. Things like how do you feel when you’re the prettiest in the room and why? How do you feel when you’re NOT the prettiest in the room and why? What will actually happen if you’re not the prettiest in the room and why do you think you’re afraid of it?  You don’t have to answer any of those questions here but just ask them for yourself and then ask more questions and answer them until you figure out what the root cause is. Lots of times it stems from something that happens in childhood, for example, maybe you found validation in your looks from someone who was important to you when you were young and you felt like this person would only appreciate you for being the cutest/prettiest and felt a DEEP need for this person to appreciate you, so it made your desire to be that much stronger. To change that belief in that case would be to realize either that person valued you for more than your beauty OR that in the grand scheme of things, that person’s opinion didn’t matter as much as you felt and you had lots of other worthwhile attributes.

    It’s good thing that you are recognizing this issue now and you should be proud of yourself for seeking help and wanting to work on it because changing that belief will help you greatly in the future, because, as we all know, beauty (at least youthful beauty) tends to fade as we age, and there will come a point where there is always someone prettier in the room (and with that said, did that statement bring up any feeling for you? If it did, ask yourself exactly how you feel and why you think you feel that way).

    #370690
    dorothy
    Participant

    Hi there, i am so thankful that i came to see this post. Am aware that this is a year back, but i need to let you know that you have helped me a ton. Your situation is exactly mine, and i identified as a bisexual too. Sometimes it makes it harder because i just started realising my sexuality and this jealousy issue just seems to be interplaying with my sexuality in complexities.

    I went on to read up about more perspective that can help me shift my beliefs. and if you’re still finding your way on this journey, please do give this a read. It helps me so much.

    https://medium.com/@kathleeakers/female-jealousy-and-the-prettiest-girl-in-the-room-syndrome-b5d0d1a56c29

    now i am just internalising this new belief, a newer, freer belief that:

    Being the prettiest girl is not an accomplishment. Being the prettiest is completely subjective, is insignificant and self-defeating. And being the prettiest does not f-ing matter.
    Because we are all more than that.

    And i honour your journey. All of it. The part where we needed to be the prettiest, the part where we realised we aren’t helping ourselves, the part where we feel shameful of this desire, the part where we feel like burdening our partners, the part where we dont know how to deal with it all. Everything. I know what you’re going thru (or have gone thru), and you’re still very courageous, resilient and beautiful inside out. you’re not alone.

    #403004
    Brianna
    Participant

    Hi, I know this post is a bit old but I am going through a self esteem journey myself and am finally here with the problem I face, just like as you described. But Dorothy, I wish I could read that link you sent but they had deleted it and I’m hoping you see this and can relay some more details. Im on the journey to unlearn this and want to stop feeling this way. Dorothy, your last paragraph also made me cry, you really do know the journey and it feels so good to be understood. If anyone has anything else to help me with this please share or I’m happy to talk to someone.

    #403013
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brianna:

    I hope that dorothy replies to you (she posted only once, and it’s the post in this thread 1.5 years ago). If you want to talk to me/ others, you are welcome to share more about your self-esteem journey. I want to read about it and will be glad to reply.

    anita

    #403014
    Brianna
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks so much for your reply. Just like others in the thread, I just have this insecure and threatened feeling when I’m with my partner and there’s another attractive girl in the room, on the tv screen, etc., even if I wouldn’t mind that kind of thing in private and enjoy watching, like a hip hop music video. My partner does not make me feel inadequate and Im open with these feelsing with him,  It feels really unhealthy I do this, and I feel so pathetic feeling this way over other women living their best life and looking good. As valors posted i will be deep diving into where these come from. I’ve dealt with self esteem for most of my life and I know a lot of women do as well and it’s baffling how much it can take over our lives. I recently came to the realization most of these women have dealt with self-esteem issues in their past too, and they’ve put a lot of effort into looking this good from the same feelings I have. I guess it’s only in relation to my partner these feelings come out…

     

    thanks again for listening to my rant. I want to reclaim myself.

    #403016
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brianna:

    You are welcome. If you are willing, let’s look deeper at it: when you were growing up with your family, did a parent positively attended to someone else, praising (a sibling perhaps, a cousin, a neighbor),  while you were ignored or negatively attended to/ criticized?

    anita

    #403032
    Brianna
    Participant

    Not that I can think of at the top of my head, but since you mention family I think my dad has been a poor influence in regards to my self esteem and with the way I’ve seen him objectify women, so I’m sure that has part to do with at least being so critical of my appearance.

    #403047
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brianna:

    You shared: “I am going through a self esteem journey… I just have this insecure and threatened feeling when I’m with my partner and there’s another attractive girl in the room, on the tv screen, etc… My partner does not make me feel inadequate… I’ve dealt with self esteem for most of my life and I know a lot of women do as well and it’s baffling how much it can take over our lives…. I guess it’s only in relation to my partner these feelings come out. I want to reclaim myself… I think my dad has been a poor influence in regards to my self esteem and with the way I’ve seen him objectify women, so I’m sure that has part to do with at least being so critical of my appearance”-

    Eddu saver/ com: sexual objectification effects on women‘s mental health:

    Sexual objectification occurs when a woman’s body, body parts, or sexual functions are isolated from her whole and complex being and treated as objects simply to be looked at, coveted, or touched… Once sexually objectified, the worth of a woman’s body or body part is directly equated to its physical appearance or potential sexual function and is treated like it exists solely for others to use or consume

    “Forms of Sexual Objectification- Women frequently face sexual objectification in daily interpersonal interactions and through the active and passive consumption of multimedia. These two main avenues of exposure create a continuous stream of sexually objectifying experiences and images.. . Interpersonal sexual objectification occurs in the forms of unwanted body evaluation and sexual advances… catcalling and whistling, sexually insinuating stares, leering, and inappropriate sexual comments made about a woman’s body…  touching, fondling, or pinching someone inappropriately against her will… Some of these behaviors are now commonly referred to as microaggressions…(definition:) ‘brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, and environmental indignities (often unconscious and unintentional) that communicate hostile, derogatory, or invalidating messages’… many acts of sexual objectification qualify as microaggressions by this definition…

    Most media outlets create further scenarios that expose women to sexual objectification… Advertisements, television shows, movies, music videos, printed media, and pornography all rampantly depict sexually objectifying images of women. Additionally, they often include characters who engage in sexually objectifying behaviors and include camera shots that place viewers in a sexually objectifying point of view…

    “Effects of Sexual Objectification on Women’s Mental Health- … constant exposure to sexually objectifying experiences and images socializes women to internalize society’s perspective of the female body as their own primary view of their physical selves… This internalization is often referred to as self-objectificationSelf-objectification is even found in women who view sexual objectification as harmless or even complimentary… the sexual objectification of women indirectly contributes to their mental health problems because it leads to self-objectification… the internalization of sexual objectification leads to constant self-monitoring, creating a state of self-consciousness that breeds feelings of shame and anxiety… Multiple studies have found a relationship between sexual objectification and disordered eating. Harned (2000) found that sexual harassment, which is often comprised of sexually objectifying behaviors, was a significant predictor of most disordered eating symptoms… Even self-objectifying women who report to enjoy being sexualized have still been found to engage in negative eating attitudes

    “Conclusion-  The current literature makes it clear that sexual objectification is both directly and indirectly linked to various mental health distresses and disorders in women, including anxiety, depression, disordered eating, and reduced experiences of flow and productivity. Constant experiences of sexual objectification cause women to internalize society’s scrutiny; the resulting self-objectification leads to habitual body monitoring and self-consciousness, which in turn increases feelings of body shame and appearance anxiety and diminishes states of flow… Sexual objectification awareness initiatives should not only be directed at girls and women, but at boys and men, parents and teachers. Despite various limitations, the present data and its implications for female development and mental health trajectories should still be seriously considered in the realms of policy, public health, and education.”

    What do you think about this, Brianna?

    anita

    #403147
    Kartik
    Participant

    I think every person is unique & beautiful in their way. There is no need to feel like we have to be the most beautiful person in the world to be happy. Because everyone in this world is not perfect, everyone has some demerits. I think a person is more confident & happier when we stop trying to be someone we are not. & start embracing our beauty.

    <span data-sheets-value=”{"1":2,"2":"https://www.reddit.com/user/Kartik_Mishra/comments/v63mpo/what_is_the_meaning_of_life_179/&quot;}” data-sheets-userformat=”{"2":513,"3":{"1":0},"12":0}” data-sheets-hyperlink=”https://www.reddit.com/user/Kartik_Mishra/comments/v63mpo/what_is_the_meaning_of_life_179/”&gt;https://www.reddit.com/user/Kartik_Mishra/comments/v63mpo/what_is_the_meaning_of_life_179/</span>
    1. Start by accepting yourself for who you are – This might be the most challenging part, but it is essential.
    Start by accepting yourself for all your flaws and weaknesses. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be better positioned to start accepting other people too.

    2. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder – This is a crucial lesson to remember – what one person sees as beautiful,
    another person may not see as such. There’s no one right way to be beautiful, and that’s okay!

    3. Focus on your happiness – Ultimately, being happy with who you are is what will make you the most beautiful person in the world to you. If you’re happy with yourself, others will likely be, too – even if they don’t think so at first glance!

    So there you have it – some tips on starting to ease into the idea of not needing to be the most beautiful person.
    Remember that it’s okay not to conform and that plenty of other wonderful people are just as beautiful as you are!

    There’s no need to feel pressured to be the most beautiful or perfect in every way. Instead, focus on being your beauty and accepting yourself for who you are. It will help you feel more confident and content in your skin, no matter what other people think.

    #403191
    Brianna
    Participant

    Hi Anita thank you for your very thoughtful answer. I need sometime to go through it and develop my honest response, but wanted to show my appreciation for you helping me.

    #403192
    Brianna
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your reply, I agree with what you wrote and I snapshotted and will read this again in those times I feel the worst. I very much appreciate the tips

    #403193
    Brianna
    Participant

    To Kartik^

    #403194
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brianna:

    You are welcome. I hope you find the time to read on the topic of sexual objectification of women, a source of a lot of emotional pain for lots and lots of women!

    anita

    #403406
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Brianna? I hope to read from you again sometime!

    anita

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