Hello,

I have quite an unstable living environment, where everyone gets angry easily and are just getting pissed off at things one minute or another. The financial situation is not the best also, maybe that’s the reason of frustration too. When I stay home for a long time, like summer and winter holidays, I start to notice a change in my own behavior. I begin to get pissed off at things too, and everything just makes me want to escape my mind. I do not like the person I am when I am stuck at home. And this pandemic has put me into this sick feeling for months now. And I am just feeling like I will lose my mind and myself. Schools are not going to reopen anytime sooner and that makes me just lose my patience. I am not this kind of person when I am outside, away from home and my family.

I have never felt safe in this place. My mind sinks into a really bad place when I’m here. I am trying and trying again to keep a healthier and positive mindset, but it’s not good enough. I am unable to get things done, since I can’t focus sitting in the room all day, ALL WEEK and ALL month. Changes of environment and going out to study in a comfortable place really works for me, and I just don’t know how I’ll study anymore. Ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been doing the worst in my classes. I have gained or understood nothing in online classes because my mind is just not co-operating with me.

I try to shift positions from working in my bedroom to working in living rooms one corner to another, but there’s only so much shifting and moving I can do. The view stays the same and my brain is sick of it. We do not have a local library nearby, where it’d be convenient to go everyday. I tried waking up early everyday to take a walk, but I only feel better for a few hours and the rest of the day goes nothing dissimilar.

When I feel at ease for a period, this unsettling feeling sits in the corner of my mind: losing momentum. I have no one to watch my back. My parents have barely ever attended any of my graduations, celebrated any milestones or had my back when I stumbled on a thing, ever since they got separated. We are all by ourselves in terms of emotional support and sometimes financial too. So I feel really unprotected and insecure. Everything I do feels like walking on a tightrope with no safety net underneath. Because I know if I do well, I survive. but if I don’t, no one has my back. I know it isn’t a life or death situation, but I still feel really insecure.

I feel like I do not have a home where I can feel at ease- A place or a company that reassures my presence. I feel really unprotected and afraid. I feel really isolated in this house.

I am only posting this for the intention of venting out whatever I have in my head to feel at ease, but if anyone has gone through a similar experience or feeling, they can share! And drop suggestions to cope too. I would appreciate reading one fresh mindset or two to this situation. P.S. I am sorry if I’m being too over-dramatic