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I never feel at home.

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #365524
    Javairia
    Participant

    Hello,

    I have quite an unstable living environment, where everyone gets angry easily and are just getting pissed off at things one minute or another. The financial situation is not the best also, maybe that’s the reason of frustration too. When I stay home for a long time, like summer and winter holidays, I start to notice a change in my own behavior. I begin to get pissed off at things too, and everything just makes me want to escape my mind. I do not like the person I am when I am stuck at home. And this pandemic has put me into this sick feeling for months now. And I am just feeling like I will lose my mind and myself. Schools are not going to reopen anytime sooner and that makes me just lose my patience. I am not this kind of person when I am outside, away from home and my family.

    I have never felt safe in this place. My mind sinks into a really bad place when I’m here. I am trying and trying again to keep a healthier and positive mindset, but it’s not good enough. I am unable to get things done, since I can’t focus sitting in the room all day, ALL WEEK and ALL month. Changes of environment and going out to study in a comfortable place really works for me, and I just don’t know how I’ll study anymore. Ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been doing the worst in my classes. I have gained or understood nothing in online classes because my mind is just not co-operating with me.

    I try to shift positions from working in my bedroom to working in living rooms one corner to another, but there’s only so much shifting and moving I can do. The view stays the same and my brain is sick of it. We do not have a local library nearby, where it’d be convenient to go everyday. I tried waking up early everyday to take a walk, but I only feel better for a few hours and the rest of the day goes nothing dissimilar.

    When I feel at ease for a period, this unsettling feeling sits in the corner of my mind: losing momentum. I have no one to watch my back. My parents have barely ever attended any of my graduations, celebrated any milestones or had my back when I stumbled on a thing, ever since they got separated. We are all by ourselves in terms of emotional support and sometimes financial too. So I feel really unprotected and insecure. Everything I do feels like walking on a tightrope with no safety net underneath. Because I know if I do well, I survive. but if I don’t, no one has my back. I know it isn’t a life or death situation, but I still feel really insecure.

    I feel like I do not have a home where I can feel at ease- A place or a company that reassures my presence. I feel really unprotected and afraid. I feel really isolated in this house.

    I am only posting this for the intention of venting out whatever I have in my head to feel at ease, but if anyone has gone through a similar experience or feeling, they can share! And drop suggestions to cope too. I would appreciate reading one fresh mindset or two to this situation. P.S. I am sorry if I’m being too over-dramatic

    #366248
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Feeling like one can not relax or has no peace of mind at home is a difficult thing. It makes us edgy and unhappy. I do support your walking early in the morning, even if you feel the mental relief is only temporary. At least, temporary is better than nothing, right? Sometimes these unhappy or difficult situations are there to nudge us to find a way to move forward that supports our emotional wellness. I have been in an unhappy marriage, and my mother and father had an unhappy home while growing up. I so longed to get out of both situations. As you finish your schooling, you will have the opportunities to make decisions about where to live, how to live, etc. You may decide you need more independence right now, as soon as the pandemic is over I mean, and do something else in your life. My home life in my former marriage was just like living somewhere that unsettled my mind and soul. I felt unprotected and longed for validation for others. This was my journey to figure out things in my life and learn to give myself the things I needed and looked for in others. As for coping, I also feel the pandemic angst and I am probably your grandmother’s age! I cope day by day and one day at a time. I am reading good books, I am trying to get outside every day. Trying to keep my thinking positive. One thing I have learned in life is “this too shall pass” which is an old saying but it is true. We will come out of this someday and we will persevere to better. Or we can let this time defeat us and we live in this angst and unhappiness for the rest of our lives. Stay strong.

    #366532
    Vidal
    Participant

    Hello!

    I just wanna share my thoughts about how I am at home.

    Sometimes I dunno why I feel really short- tempered to my grandmother.Ever since my dad and mom left me to my grandmother because they were too busy with their work,I never really got that Parent attention in my life.After school,when I was a kid,I was always punished for being too dirty, for bullying, or even for just doing something wrong.Every hit behind me left a mark throughout my life.I always get scared, I easily get insecure, and most of the times, I would just hug my knees in a corner and cry.It was horrible.

    After a few months have passed, finally graduated from elementary, there were a few new changes in which I had to really be independent in life.How could I?When all my life I was tortured and manipulated.I never got the change to really express how I really feel.Usually,after I got home from school,and watch T.v, my grampa quickly gets angry at me for just sitting there.Why?Why would she be angry?She never even told me to do anything at all.

    The reason why I posted this is that I am starting to feel really anxious here at home.I easily get mad, always hiding what I’m doing coz she might de something bad at me.Those things.My point is,I need help.I need help in coping of this feeling inside me.

    #366533
    Vidal
    Participant

    Hello!

    I’m new here so I just wanna share my thoughts about how I am at home.

    Sometimes I dunno why I feel really short- tempered to my grandmother.Ever since my dad and mom left me to my grandmother because they were too busy with their work,I never really got that Parent attention in my life.After school,when I was a kid,I was always punished for being too dirty, for bullying, or even for just doing something wrong.Every hit behind me left a mark throughout my life.I always get scared, I easily get insecure, and most of the times, I would just hug my knees in a corner and cry.It was horrible.

    After a few months have passed, finally graduated from elementary, there were a few new changes in which I had to really be independent in life.How could I?When all my life I was tortured and manipulated.I never got the change to really express how I really feel.Usually,after I got home from school,and watch T.v, my grampa quickly gets angry at me for just sitting there.Why?Why would she be angry?She never even told me to do anything at all.

    The reason why I posted this is that I am starting to feel really anxious here at home.I easily get mad, always hiding what I’m doing coz she might de something bad at me.Those things.My point is,I need help.I need help in coping of this feeling inside me.

    #366545
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Vidal:

    I am sorry that you didn’t get your parents’ attention, that your grandmother gets angry at you for no reason, and that as a result, you “always get scared… easily get insecure, and most of the times, I would just hug my knees in a corner and cry.. really anxious here at home. I easily get mad always hiding what I’m doing coz she might do something bad at me”-

    – what “something bad” does your grandmother do to you?

    – you wrote: “all my  life I was tortured and manipulated”- can you elaborate on that: on how you were manipulated, and more about how you were tortured?

    One more thing, can you start your own thread (click FORUMS above, click CATEGORIES, choose one, Tough Times, perhaps, scroll down the page). You can answer my questions there, if you choose to, and we can communicate there.

    anita

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