I’m not too sure if this has been resolved or brought up here before (it probably has) but I just don’t know how to get over this one person who I keep thinking is like, the perfect guy. Sorry that its super long!
Firstly, this all takes place in high school, as I’m still a student. I know that everyone is gonna say ‘oh you’re just in high school, this will easily blow over but it hasn’t for 2 years. And I can’t stand living in this feeling for another who knows how long it will take.
Okay so what happened is that I briefly dated a guy in my class for about 3 weeks. (it wasn’t exactly a relationship because we never hung out other than class… no dates) He was my first boyfriend and I was pretty nervous. (I’m one of those girls who like to admire from afar and never reveal my feelings so this was kinda different and it felt strange) As stupid as this seems, I was really scared to get my first kiss but he would always insist on it or try to kiss me (even on the cheek). And as flattering as that really is, my reflexes would always be faster than him so he’d usually get my hair or something. After a while I just felt really bad because I could see a slight disappointment and I didn’t want to be disappointing. But it was EXTREMELY dumb of me because I decided to break up with him because of it. In my head, it made sense to break up with him so he could be with someone else, someone who could possibly be ‘girlfriend material’ and NOT disappoint him. Like I said, it was my first relationship ever so breaking up with him was hard too. I kinda panicked so my reason ended up being ‘we don’t talk enough’ (which was also true because we only talked and hung out in class but it was only because we were both busy after school, etc. but this wasn’t really a big deal to me) Anyways, after the break up he still acted pretty ‘attached’ but i just felt weird. eventually, he shrugged it off I guess because he paid a lot more attention to his friends and having fun. Anyways, I did end up regretting it and sometime last year I did tell him that I missed him. He apologized for being a bad boyfriend (which I disagree on) but, basically he gave me the nice neutral answer of ‘thanks’. He never admitted anything else other than thinking he was a bad boyfriend. Then one semester we happened to be in the same class and I thought it would be okay if we tried to be friends so I would always try to just talk to him and maybe get rid of the awkwardness (because after a year from when the relationship happened, he still acted awkward near me as if the break up happened yesterday). Sometimes it would work and we would actually be able to make conversation but, at other times, it was bad. it was awkward and he ignored me. I’m not sure what to do now because I feel like rejecting him was the worst thing that I’ve ever done in my life and I don’t wanna live with this feeling. Sometimes I feel like he still has somewhat of an interest (same for me) but I’m not sure because he can send off so many mixed signals and also, you never really stop loving your first boyfriend/girlfriend right?
I mean, he hasn’t had another girlfriend since me and that one time in class when my friend asked him about growing up and like his future relationships or something he said, ‘So? I don’t want relationships now because high school relationships aren’t serious.’ and then he quickly turned to me and said ‘sorry Hannah.’ really fast. Or that other time when my friend accidentally screamed ‘YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?’ in class and he turned and faced me for a quick second. (which I didn’t by the way, she just had the wrong impression about gala) So what should I do? I know trying to get him back is not gonna work because he practically admitted it multiple times but what can I do? I’d try being friends with him but he still acts more awkward than ever… I really don’t know what to do anymore. (and I’ve tried to focus in on my life and my friends but everything flashes back to this and him and I think i just love him still)