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I think I found a better explanation for you!

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  • May 21, 2018 at 6:04 pm #208597
    Phil
    Participant

    So, I have really confused you with my talking about ego death and feeling like “I am not supposed to be alive” anymore. I write down these words which brought me to a realization.

    In 2017 time was running away and I felt like I couldnt bear/handle its speed, time was so fast ’cause of 24/7 worrying, but suddenly I felt like I slipped out of a logical sense of time and that was when I had this old “I” dying feeling. Like it was August and I felt like I wasnt ready for it yet that time ran so fast and I resisted with all I could against time – of course time was moving forward and so I continued to feel “out of time”. That is the whole issue. It is totally based on time and my resistance. It feels like finally I solved the puzzle.

    I feel like I am somehow an being in psychological time and I am dependent on it in order to exist, TRULY BELIEVING (I didnt want time to continue, I fought it constantly) I was slipping out of that makes me feel not normal, because just a normal person has a normal sense of time and is somehow existing “healthily” in this concept. I feel like I am not supposed to or just cant live in psychological time anymore.

    That day where I was heavily resisting the the passage of time, I interpret as the day where I felt like “I was supposed to die”, because time moved forward without me stopping. This created a big delusion, I thought I really was supposed to die whereas I was just fighting against an illusion.

    So anita, do you understand the context a bit better this time?

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    • This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    May 22, 2018 at 9:20 am #208757
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    I am trying to understand. My thought reading your thread before, as well as this one, regarding time is that this is a disturbance in the perception of time, part of the derealization experience. I remember experiencing a disturbance in the perception of space: things that were far from me looked close, I was not able to tell the distance between me and objects, all seemed close. None looked farther than the others.

    That was a disturbance of my perception of space and of me within that space.

    I remember as a child when I felt most depressed, time seemed to stand still. I think this is more of a common experience, time standing still, not moving, for eternity, so it seems.

    What you described here is a disturbance in the perception of time and you within time. The relationship between you and time has been disturbed.

    My current perception of space and me in that space is not disturbed. Here is the computer close to me, my hands typing are closer to me than the computer and the open windows are farther away.

    If you would like me to try and understand more, can you answer these:

    “time moved forward without me stopping”- you stopping time or stopping yourself from moving within time?

    Can you state the “big delusion” you mentioned in one sentence?

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 10:20 am #208781
    Phil
    Participant

    Both. I felt like: Oh no time goes so fast and felt like I couldnt keep up with its speed. The big delusion was my interpretation of it: Resisting time felt like “I” couldnt exist in “time” anymore, and therefore I interpreted the day where I heavily resisted time and where there was a huge inner conflict of “ok who is it that exists in this concept of time?”, as the one where I was “supposed to die”. Since that day Ive described my issue with interpretations like: “Help, feeling my oldself died” or “feeling like I outsmarted time” etc… Ive been massively focused on the date since that day (was actually the 1st August).

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    May 22, 2018 at 1:13 pm #208827
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    It is indeed not easy for me to understand but will try in fifteen hours when I am back to the computer. I will re-read your recent post and anything else you may want to add to it and respond then.

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 1:59 pm #208835
    Phil
    Participant

    When I was going for a run I felt like, I am not existing anyways in a “whole”, so I had a complete blockade and training wasnt doing anything. I just couldnt explain what happened. I’ve had a complete blockade in all of my healing methods, so that everything felt useless, until I felt like hm maybe you were really supposed to die? I felt like I just outsmarted psychological time.

    Ok, I hope that makes sense, and even if, how the hell did this create such a big confict? I mean lifes been truly HELL with that belief, I couldnt/cant do anything, not even meditation because I thought it’s been “after my death day”. It felt like something was basically wrong with me, so that I felt nothing would work anymore for healing because of this strange time/existence issue.

    So lets consider this: I felt like I wasnt normal which was formed as a basic belief after this day: that I am a not normal functioning human being anymore. Of course this belief leads to a non-functioning of healing methods, especially when this belief so deeply embedded. But it feels so real!

    Of course you may ask: But you are still here Phil?!

    Yes, but losing touch with time made me feel like I crossed the treshold to supernaturality, that we are not just human beings, but consciousness in human “vessels”. Time is an illusion, and I keep fighting an illusion, of course I kind of feel insane.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    May 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm #208845
    Phil
    Participant

    If I had this feeling that Ive been constantly, a “constant being” in time, I could continue. But it feels like there was a “cut” in August where I might have broken out of time.

    May 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm #208847
    Phil
    Participant

    And thank you for your patience!

    May 23, 2018 at 3:05 am #208909
    Phil
    Participant

    Want to add: I built one part of identity, the “dark part”, who believed in this “lost in time” theory, I adapted my life to this belief, whereas there was still a rational part in me. This created an identity conflict.

    May 23, 2018 at 4:06 am #208911
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    I am responding this very early morning to your original post and the five following that, the last one ending with “This created an identity conflict”.

    I will repeat what you wrote in my own words for the purpose of processing your information in my brain best I can:

    In 2017 you felt time was running away from you fast, too fast, leaving you behind. You were suspended in no-time and that felt like dying. It felt like you and time were separate and that you can’t live because time ran away from you. You felt “out of time”. Humans are dependent on time, have to move on with time. You were no longer moving on with time.

    Normally, a person will die being outside of time, suspended in no-time. But you didn’t die. You “outsmarted time”. Your old self died August 1, 2017. On that date, you crossed the threshold from the natural to the supernatural. You are no longer a “normal functioning human being anymore”. Healing methods that worked before that date no longer work. You are, since that date, a “consciousness in human ‘vessel'” This consciousness in a human vessel is not dependent on time, on psychological time (the kind of time we know of before we cross that threshold). You realize that time is an illusion, that is, there is life without time.

    My input at this point: you may have very well experienced reality beyond what is visible and scientifically identified. You may have experienced vividly the existence beyond our physical life and death. This is amazing and unusual, yet it may very well be true to reality. A good chance that it is, I am thinking.

    Question is: what now, what difference does this realization, this amazing experience does for Phil: how does he live differently?

    You mentioned that previous healing methods do not work anymore, not after August 1. Does this mean that you need other healing methods that will work or that healing is not required…?

    You added that there is the “dark part”  of your identity and you adapted your life to the August 1 change. Question is: how did you adapt yourself to the August 1 change?

    Please read or re-read my post carefully and as you answer my questions, if you do, please answer them specifically and clearly, focus on being clear and concise, best you can.

    anita

     

    May 23, 2018 at 9:49 am #208981
    Phil
    Participant

    Yes. This experience of being dead is very valid, not physically dead, just the idea of “me”, somehow?

    Question 1: It may be just a delusion. But believing I broke out of time makes me feel like I lost connection to my old Self and “normal human life”. I resisted the passage of time and still do it based on the belief, I do it unconsciously, I suffer. The difference is, I feel like time is something real, I feel like the more time passes, the bigger gets the gap between normal human life (oldself) and life “out of time”. The bigger gets the gap, the worse is the suffering. I literally start being afraid just seeing a future date on the calendar.

    I feel like I lost connection to my human self and no matter what I do, nothing will help it, because you cant change it, you cant go back in the past, I feel like I lost genuinely connection to the present moment, because I start asking: Who is in the present moment? “I” cant logically exist anymore, do I exist? Then the suffering begins, because I feel like I cant even escape in the present moment.

    May 23, 2018 at 9:54 am #208985
    Phil
    Participant

    I adapted to it in developping a rational part where I felt better and fought against the irrationalty of the dark part who believed I was “time dead” (lol). But the darker part was always winning, because Ive been depressed and tend to go in the dark part intentionally. I became lazy, not ambitious, lifeless, had no goals, because I believed my life was over because of that issue.

    May 23, 2018 at 10:08 am #208987
    Phil
    Participant

    Like breathing: focusing on breathing feels like, who is it whose breath you are focusing on? And again: “You cant logically exist anymore.” or a feeling like: “how is it possible that you are still here?”

    May 23, 2018 at 10:30 am #208991
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    I may have to re-read your recent posts first thing tomorrow morning. It takes that first-thing-in-the morning ability to process your posts. Let me know if you would like it that I do, and I will.

    For now, this is my thought, this is what may have happened: you got a glimpse of the supernatural, of what really exists beyond reality as we know it, beyond reality as we perceive with our five senses and which science can measure and study.

    But this supernatural reality, you are not ready for it, nor can you be. It is impossible to live in it while you are in your human form. You got a glimpse into escaping time, of how it is to be separated from time, but you are not separated from time. Your body exists and is aging with every moment.

    You can tell you didn’t escape time because aging is happening and will be visible to you.

    The glimpse into the supernatural may very well be real, fitting reality but you are not there yet and you cannot be as  the human being that you are.

    anita

    May 23, 2018 at 10:37 am #208993
    Phil
    Participant

    Yes. I am not ready. I fear that this experience hurt me in the longterm because I really feel like I dont fit in this world anymore.

    Pleade re-read it tomrrow morning.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Phil.
    May 23, 2018 at 10:43 am #209001
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    I will, in about seventeen hours from now. If you want, you can re-read my last post to you later, when you are calm perhaps, and tell me more about what you think about what I wrote, how you feel about it. I can re-read your messages and any new one when I am back.

    anita

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