I Think I'm Done Trying to Find Love

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This topic has 20 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 25, 2018 at 2:49 pm #199397

Hara
Participant

I’m so depressed right now, I wanna puke. I have tried, time and time again, to find a man that is not selfish.

I always give love and try to help people and am told by friends that I’m a kind person. I always thought that the rule was be kind and you will receive the same in return in some form. Not me. My life has been one tragedy after another.

The men I choose to have relationships with are pretty much all the same. I fall into the caretaker role and they become the child that is so very appreciative of everything you do for them at first. Then the abuse begins. I find that doing everything for them isn’t enough.

The last man I broke up with last night was much younger than me and not bad looking either. He’s an artist and I am too. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life and certain things were going great until I realized that I was being used again. When we had plans to go out to a show…, I’d get all dressed up, then he would cancel on me at the last minute. When he needed his space, I would leave and go back to my place. If he was at my place, I’d be taking him home (he has no car) whenever he “needed space.” I realized after 7 months of trying to make this impossible relationship work that it needed to end.

I put my heart and soul into trying to make things work out with men, but I cannot seem to meet any man who is not a child. I know I am somewhat of a child due to too many traumatic events (even my therapist says I’m the bravest woman she knows). Even so, there has got to be a guy somewhere who is genuinely a kind soul. I need someone that wants more than just sex and someone to do their laundry.

I’m losing hope and I feel I’m going to die alone.

March 25, 2018 at 4:27 pm #199421
Peter
Participant
Losing hope is not always ‘bad’. Hope is a skill that many people practice badly. Losing hope is often a step needed in order to ‘let go’ and enter into the flow of Life, opening the doors to the very things we didn’t know we were hoping for.

I always thought that the rule was be kind and you will receive the same in return in some form

The golden rule – do not do unto others as you would not have then do unto you. The Law of Karma (Action – Cause and Effect) or actions are influenced by causes and at the same time create effects which create causes….. The law of forgiveness: Forgive us our failures as we forgive those that fail us – as we judge we are judged – by our own hearts – we see in others what is also within us, a shadow we do not always recognize. The Law of Love: Love your neighbor as your self – not so much a law as a reality that our ability to love others is very much connected to how we love ourselves. The law of attraction – like attracts like.

So confusing, no wonder relationships can be so difficult . The key to all the above requires that one must know them selves. The challenge is that we are not always fully awake to our ‘real’ intentions and Life/Love demands growth.

Why do you fall into the caretaker role? What are the payoffs for you? What could taking on a caretaker role attract? What does being a caretaker say about how you Love yourself and desire to be Loved?

Being a caretaker can be a wonderful path to follow when we also have strong and loving boundaries. Our greatest gifts and strengths can also be our greatest weakness. Taking time to create space to know yourself could be the first step on the path in attracting the Love that you really hope for.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ― Joseph Campbell

How Losing All Hope Can Be Freedom
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Peter.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Peter.
March 25, 2018 at 4:43 pm #199419

Lulu
Participant

Work on not looking for it, but rather to surrender to the Universe and to what is, and to learn the acceptance that it will come if and when it’s meant to happen. Love yourself first ??

March 26, 2018 at 8:33 am #199549

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Hara:

In your previous your thread you shared that you are currently living with your mother who, you wrote, “has been very critical about me all of my life”. Your mother’s “main goal in life is to have a clean, spotless house”, you wrote.

About your recent boyfriend you wrote that you find yourself changing into what you hate about you mother, “picking on him”, “it’s a terrible habit of being negative”, you wrote.

In your current thread you wrote: “I put my heart and soul into trying to make things work out with men, but I cannot seem to meet any man who is not a child”.

It would be helpful if you don’t treat a man like your mother treated you, or still treats you.

Reads to me that your mother focused on having a clean, spotless house because she found comfort in it, safely. She was able to ignore all the trouble in her life because she focused on the clean house.

Is it still working for her… and is she still critical of you?

anita

March 26, 2018 at 8:58 am #199495

David
Participant

I think you should look at your habits, they are the root of everything we do and why we do it. Figure out what all these guys have in common and change that next time you begin dating. Like another person said before surrender yourself to the universe, be yourself be open to people. Relationships are hard and challenging but I have a deep feeling that they should also be easy because two people want to work through the challenge. Don’t give up. It only takes one person to show you what love is not a thousand.

I like to think that the love of my life is somewhere on this earth walking around being beautiful and perfect but until then I am going to have fun. Despite my past failures, I know that she is out there.

Hope that helps

Cheers

March 26, 2018 at 10:23 am #199569

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Hara,

You probably have dealt with this, but it sounds like you’re in love with the idea of love itself. Take this from a notorious romantic. You keep following Hollywood’s idea that being with a person is the only way to achieve happiness, and that’s not true. Being happy has to come from within yourself. We’re both strangers, but I already like you as a person because you’re passionate about what you want. I know what it’s like to go through unrequited love. At first, you think that it’s no big deal, since someone will love you for who you are. If you’re me, you’re probably chasing after people who don’t want you and/or are unavailable to you due to distance.

Maybe you don’t have to be finished with finding love. There’s always familial love, platonic love, love for a hobby. Love comes in many shapes and sizes. You think you have bad luck with not having a boyfriend? Honey, I’m the queen of unrequited love. I’ve had guys tell me they don’t like me back, I’ve had crushes on 2 men who lived far away from me (far away meaning another country), and I even fell for a player back in high school. You see? You’re not the only one who struggles to get romantic love. But if we all stopped treated Romantic Love as an ideal, then our lives would be so stressed free. One of my sisters has been in many relationships, and she’s almost 30! But that’s another story for another time.

The problem is that you kept listening to media saying that you’re not complete without being in a relationship. Nowadays, there are more benefits to being single. You have time for your thoughts, interests, ideals, basically, the whole world at your hands. You also mentioned something about being a caretaker to these men. If they’re grown-ass men, they can take care of theirselves because you are not their freaking mother. I’m not being mean; just giving you some tough love.

It’s like one of the people who replied said: Love yourself. Lulu said that. I just checked her name. Please take care of yourself. You have the autonomy to live an authentic life!

March 27, 2018 at 10:18 am #199707

Hara
Participant

Thank you for all that you’ve said to me. I haven’t slept in 36 hours due to stress and my Mom. I have leg problems. I am a guitarist and competed in a showcase in Atlanta. Since I had broken up with my boyfriend who was gonna drive me down there, my Mom offered to drive me. I should have never taken her up on it. Whenever I drive for longer than about 20 minutes, I have bad leg pain. Also, I can’t go up stairs.

My Mom, knowing I can’t go up a flight of stairs, called some relatives so we could stay over night at their house. I asked her to make sure there were no stairs. She remembered they had a single-story house. She didn’t ask them. When we pulled up into the neighborhood, all the houses were 2 stories. I was absolutely furious with her this because all of the bedroom were upstairs. also I had access to only a half-bath, so no shower. I ended up trying to sleep on an uncomfortable recliner without success.

I am severely mentally ill and have been considering the end for a while.

The entire time down, I was trying to direct her using the Waze app for traffic patterns…. She argued and questioned me throughout the drive down. As we got closer to Atlanta, I would tell her to get in a certain lane and she’d insist that we need to be in another lane. I was right 90% of the time.

The point is I have to live with this woman. When I tell her we are out of 9-volt batteries, she questions me and I go open the drawer to show her that WE DO NOT HAVE ANY 9-volts. This is just one of the many instances where throughout my life, she has been critical and doesn’t believe me when I tell her something and has to check it out for herself. She has no idea what this has done to me. She doesn’t trust my word, she hovers, she makes suggestions that I do not welcome, she it concerned about one thing, the house and what is wrong with it.

I am trapped in this house because I’m on disability and financially strained due to a ton of medical problems.

I hurt mentally, I hurt physically and I’m tired of it all.

Alyana, I don’t care about the media. I had a great time with this man. I think my Mom had a ton to do with the break-up. There was a scratch on the stove. Steven did it. The counters need to be wiped better, I had to talk to Steven. There was some sugar remnants left on the counter after Steven DID wipe up and then we got ants and that was because Steven left sugar on the counter. She said something to him. He once said to me, “Your Mom is going to kill you.” By this he meant the amount of stress and BS I have to deal with.

I give up! I don’t have familial love, I am physically disabled now and I can’t exercise or go out without doping up to relieve pain so I can enjoy a night out.

I am 54 with no children. I would have to say that what ultimately killed me was being bullied in high school. There I was bullied every day, then came home to a mother that would not leave me alone. I had to lock myself in a room and listen to music through headphones. I had no friends and this high school gave out “funny” awards my senior year. I was already depressed as hell and they gave me the “Old Maid” award. So I am the least popular girl in my class. Meanwhile my model-like sister was popular, homecoming queen, prom queen, cheerleader dating a football player. You get the picture.

The negativity I was surrounded by during those essential years made me who I am now.

Every year, I wish that it will be a good year. Nope. Year after year, I have had major trauma, medical problems… I CANNOT TALE IT ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!

March 27, 2018 at 10:34 am #199711

Anonymous
Inactive

Hara,

I’m truly sorry you’re going through a tough time right now. It seems like everything in your life is stressing you out. Are there any resources you can try out to help you out?

I never understand why some people get good things and are bad, while bad things happen to good people, and I know you feel this will be your life forever, but things TRULY do get better. Don’t let your past dictate your present now. You said you were 54, right? High school is long done. You’re not there anymore. Prove those people wrong if it still matters to you. Reach out to someone that can help you get through this. And if you can, try to distance yourself from your mother. She sounds like a toxic person.

March 27, 2018 at 12:03 pm #199721

Peter
Participant

Hara

Sorry your feeling this way.

As this is a Buddhist site I will ask you these questions. Do we make our memories or do our memories make us? If you woke up one morning without memories of your past who would you be? Could it be possible as Aiyana suggest that with practice you can detach your sense of self from past experiences. If so who would you?

March 27, 2018 at 12:31 pm #199727

Hara
Participant

I’m on medication, under the care of a psychiatrist and therapist and I’ve gone to my doctor appts. and taken my medication as directed.

See, Aiyana, I’ve been trying to prove the “Old Maid” awarders wrong since high school. I had a failed marriage of 1.5 years. I was engaged again a couple of years ago and he got jealous and assaulted me because I was gone for 2 hours longer than I said I’d be.

I have no way out of my situation with my Mom. My sister and brother-in-law bought this house for us to live in. Mom and I have tried to live together twice before and the same issues were there. I have no other family and nowhere I can afford to move to so that’s why I want to move on to another place altogether.

Things get better, huh? Well I’ve been trying for years to have things get better. I’ve had the dangled carrot in front of my face all my life. Something always interferes with my progress. I get admitted to an art gallery, then they go out of business right before my artwork is going in. This happened to me twice. I get a small bit of hope dangled in front of me and I end up with nothing. Even my brother-in-law has told me I have the worst luck of anyone he knows.

March 27, 2018 at 12:38 pm #199729

Hara
Participant

Peter, if I woke up without memories, I might be able to handle many stresses. I have nightmares based on these memories. My dreams revolve around being chased, to being dejected… They are awful.

I don’t know how to erase the memories. I’d love a second chance to live again under different happier circumstances. That’s not the reality of my situation. Living with a toxic human being is a constant reminder of what I’ve been through. I can’t even walk from my bedroom to the kitchen and back without being reminded to turn off the light switches when I move from room to room. I’m on edge in this house. As I mentioned above, I do not have the finances to move away from my Mom.

I don’t know of any other way to get out of this hell!

March 27, 2018 at 1:00 pm #199731

Anonymous
Inactive

What are your career goals in life? Do you like working at museums? You can still get out of this. It just takes time.

March 27, 2018 at 2:42 pm #199751

Peter
Participant

The task of coming to terms with your experiences and memories while having to deal with a constant reminder could make any new mindfulness practice difficult…. and I’m guessing setting healthy boundaries with your Mother hasn’t gone to well….

Are you able to create safe space – physically and mentally – for a few hours every day. A Place where you can pause and direct your attention elsewhere?

In Dream interpretation a solution is often presented by the subconscious. Would you like to share a example of a dream that you have?

March 28, 2018 at 6:30 am #199793

Hara
Participant

Well, when I have another one, I’ll share. I tend to forget the details unless I type it out right after I wake up.

I did have a dream about being rejected by the guy that doesn’t like me in real life.

Last night a had “another” talk with my mom about how she treats me. She had some points about how my behavior affects her.

But, as usual, I expect her behavior to continue along as it is. She’s 80 now and my therapist does not think she can modify her behavior for long. This is who she is. She was raised by a mean-spirited woman herself.

We shall she.

Thank you for all of the posts. I’ve cried a lot this past weekend and I’m crying now, but I’m going to see if I can find a support group to help me.

March 28, 2018 at 7:39 am #199799

Peter
Participant

The support group sounds like a good idea

It is unlikely that your mother can change the way she interacts with you even if she really wants to. (which I bet she does) The task then will be for you to find a better way in which you respond – vice react – to the experiences, memories, resentments, frustrations, fears… It is possible. Focus your care taking skills on yourself. Eventually as you work on it you will notice that you can view an experience without attaching your sense of self to it. You can feel sad without “being” sad, you can feel frustrated without “being” frustrated… When you get to a place where you really ‘know’ that difference of feeling and being you will find that you have created a safe space for yourself and I would bet some creative impulse emerges. When it does show up be courageous, no judgments, no labels just follow it and I think you will surprise yourself.
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