Home→Forums→Relationships→I try setting boundaries and fail a lot
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Susmita.
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August 13, 2024 at 3:21 pm #436161
butterflyParticipantHi!
Hope y’all doing well. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend where we’ve both been very intense and lived together only after a few months of knowing each other. Trust had been established early due to common friends.
I think he is a great guy, but it’s not always easy because he has ADHD and I tend to be the exact opposite of that. I like being organized and tidy in my physical space, tend to be very focused and detail-oriented when I do stuff, I always seek peace and harmony and have trouble committing to plans… He is spatially chaotic, extravagant, is very strong but has no finesse and likes to plan and hates changing his plans.
We both work from home. He has constant meetings with clients and he pointed out that he LOVES when I am here too since he can share everything that happens at his job, which he is very very fond of. And that he wants to share that spontaneously, when it happens.
As for myself, I need huge chunks of focus time and hate being bothered when I am working. I tend to hyperfocus on the task and is very sensitive to interruptions. I feel stressed out for him to barge in dramatically every time he has emotional outbursts. He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this.
I told him that I would build a wall and separate my office from his physically. So I can close the door and work when I need to and when we are in a common room i.e. the kitchen, that we could chat. He said that he would still open the door and barge in. Then I said, okay, I will add a lock then.
To be honest, I secretly feel it’s so stupid to have to discuss this. He is not happy with that, he said that it removes all the fun and spontaneous interactions we had. I answered that I am not his stress ball to squeeze whenever he wanted. That I need my space. Where I went too far was when I said that “normal” people needed time apart and their own space during office hours.
I think I am judging him to be clingy and immature. And I feel bad, the way I think of him creates distance between each other. He wants to be close to me so much, and I love it but at the same time I hate it…
What do you think?
August 13, 2024 at 5:13 pm #436167
anitaParticipantDear butterfly:
“I need huge chunks of focus time and hate being bothered when I am working. I tend to hyperfocus on the task and is very sensitive to interruptions. I feel stressed out for him to barge in dramatically every time he has emotional outbursts. He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this“- he said that he will continue to barge in because he’s always done that: no exception for you, no consideration of you, no consideration of what you need.
“I told him that I would build a wall and separate my office from his physically… He said that he would still open the door and barge in”- for crying out loud, how self-centered and selfish!
“I answered that I am not his stress ball to squeeze whenever he wanted. That I need my space“- exactly, you are a person with your own needs and preferences, you are not an object (a stress ball) that exists so to accommodate him.
“Where I went too far was when I said that ‘normal’ people needed time apart and their own space during office hours“- I suppose suggesting that he’s abnormal was not appropriate; self-centered/ selfish would have been appropriate, seems to me.
“He wants to be close to me so much, and I love it but at the same time I hate it… What do you think?“- it’s nice that he wants to be close to you, but.. not at the expense of you. There are two people in the relationship.. not one person (him) and one stress ball (you).
anita
August 14, 2024 at 3:46 am #436173
HelcatParticipantHi Butterfly
I feel like this conversation between you both has gone to extremes to prove a point.
Have you got noise cancelling headphones? Invest in a really good pair. You can’t hear anything.
My husband works from home and we have a baby. He cannot hear a thing when he uses them.
A good workaround if you are busy working would be if your partner texts you or leaves a voice message on your phone so you can get to it when you are free.
Perhaps the reason he is so intent on escalating this disagreement is because there is no compromise. His intention is coming from a nice place. He’s not trying to use you he’s just an impulsive person that’s part of his ADHD and who he is. Your intention is coming from good place in that you need to take care of yourself and work well.
It was if you don’t leave me alone I will shut myself away from you and not communicate! Just as over the top as him bursting into a room.
He values communication as you value peace during work. Try to respect each other’s values.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 14, 2024 at 8:32 am #436184anitaParticipantDear butterfly:
I want to re-reply to your original post more attentively than yesterday:
You: “I like being organized and tidy in my physical space, tend to be very focused and detail-oriented when I do stuff, I always seek peace and harmony… I need huge chunks of focus time and hate being bothered when I am working. I tend to hyperfocus on the task and is very sensitive to interruptions. I feel stressed out for him to barge in dramatically every time he has emotional outbursts”.
Him: “he is a great guy… he has ADHD… He is spatially chaotic, extravagant… He has constant meetings with clients and he pointed out that he LOVES when I am here too, since he can share everything that happens at his job, which he is very, very fond of. And that he wants to share that spontaneously, when it happens… He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this… He said that he would still open the door and barge in”.
Question: if you were spatially chaotic, extravagant, very intense, and would share with him everything that happens at your job any time you felt like it, spontaneously when it happens, barging into his space when he is focused on his job, either during a meeting with a client, or when preparing for one, would he like it?
It so happens that I’ve had ADHD since I was 5 or so. When I happen to just be around, or interact with other hyper, untidy people, I get distressed. I can’t even follow what they are saying, nor do I want to. What suits me is people who are the opposite of me: tidy, organized; people who appear calm, even keeled, composed, people who are not talking fast or too much. People who talk slowly, with some breaks between words and sentences. So, if I was in your place, butterfly, I would go crazy!
Maybe he is like me in that if he lived with a woman like him, hyper, untidy and all, he’d go crazy, so he needs someone who is the opposite of him, someone like you.
Here is a key word for me in what you shared: LOVE- not his love for you, but his love for accommodating his ADHD: “he LOVES when I am here too, since he can share everything that happens at his job“- I used to let ADHD take over me but I have learned not to accommodate it anymore because I know how unpleasant and distressing it is for me to absorb someone else’s ADHD, let alone to experience my own. (Maybe his ADHD is stronger than mine, I don’t know).
It is now possible for me to want to say something and.. not to say it. As a matter of practice, I do my best every day to use what I term the NPARR Strategy: when I feel distressed, I Notice that I do, I Pause (before I say or do something), Address the situation (asking myself various questions, one of which is: should I say or do this or that in this situation, will it help or harm me/ others?), next: I Respond-or-not (I say or do something, or not), and finally I Redirect (my attention elsewhere).
“He wants to be close to me so much, and I love it but at the same time I hate it.. What do you think?“- I think that if he is not able, and/ or is not willing to adequately discipline his reactions to his ADHD, then the only way you can be in a relationship with him is in smaller portions: working (and perhaps living) separately in two locations far enough from each other so that he can’t barge into your space whenever he feels like it.
Looking at the title of your thread: “I try setting boundaries and fail a lot“- physical boundaries: working and perhaps living in two different locations, far away from each other, is all I can think of.
anita
August 14, 2024 at 9:46 am #436188
RobertaParticipantDear Butterfly
You are living with Tigger (Winnie the Pooh character) bouncy fun fun. Someone who acts spontaneously spreading his love and excitement with lack of awareness of its impact on others & appears not to be willing to compromise to a reasonable solution to your need to carry out your job interruption free and to share whats going on when in the communal space of the kitchen in coffee breaks etc. What is normal is to be able to focus on ones work. If I was an employer I would not appreciate my workforce being distracted by external interruptions.
Your partner may also have ODD Opositional Defiance Disorder
Is the property you both reside in yours, his , jointly rental or owned?
Is this the first time you have had a hiccup in your relationship? If not how are things normally resolved? ie afterwards does he come up with any ideas or compromises to restore & promote harmony or listen to and accept your thoughts & feelings on any situation. There are many websites giving tips on how best to communicate with a partner who has ADHD which will help you going forward.
Kind regards
Roberta
August 15, 2024 at 6:56 am #436232butterflyParticipantThank you for kindly replying to my post guys, I really appreciate it. I have found your answers very useful to ask myself what I want to tolerate or not. I also appreciate that someone else with ADHD can share what it is like to live with that challenge everyday. I really empathize. I have a little brother 5 years younger than me with ADHD that I grew up with very close. He and my boyfriend never were treated with any pills nor therapy. It feels like going through it all over again. Maybe that’s why I choose him as my partner as it feels familiar.
I understand that he has some work to do on himself, and I am not going to criticize him further (even in my mind) because that does not help. I am angry and I communicated that to him. I think this is all a personal challenge that somehow I put myself into, like the next level of a video game I am playing, if that’s not too weirdly explained 😛
@anita thank you for taking the time twice to answer. He actually came back to me and apologized for how he behaved and told me that he got increasingly irritated because I often say no to doing activities with him and that he does not take care of his need to move and do sports a lot. He said that he was very hesitant to go alone, because in his past, his exes would blame him for “abandoning” them. I asked him if I ever gave him that kind of vibe and he admitted that I didn’t and he has to overcome the guilt trauma. I told him that I do less and less activities with him because I’m tired of negative experience of us both fighting. This is a sad vicious cycle we got ourselves into.
@helcat we both got noise cancelling headphones, but that won’t be enough. He is not able to control his impulsivity (proof of that is the entire past year) and talks very loudly 😛 Putting a wall between both our offices will increase the house’s resale value as it adds one more room. I think this is 100% win-win. But thank you so much for putting that into perspective. I had never even thought of that as him valuing communication over focusing on work. I am now more open to hearing from his perspective.
@roberta it is my own house, I bought it a month before meeting him. I wanted to do a fixer-upper project 🙂 It is true, Tiger is totally him! I do also feel he lacks consideration sometimes, but more than often he cares very much, maybe too much. He works in customer service and maybe he is burnt out sometimes by the negativity…I won’t tolerate interruptions like that for my new job which I am starting on Monday. We fought almost the last two whole weeks while I am on vacation between jobs, but I think I got through. I am not sure I know what is ODD but I feel like these times, we label so much over mental health and behaviour. Am I wrong for trying not to label my boyfriend? Because if I label him as ODD or such, I will get discouraged to fix issues as I will think this is not going to get better…
I now have to deal with the resentment of this whole two weeks fighting and not enjoying the atmosphere in the house. I don’t often have vacations and I am very mad at him for ruining it. But I am trying to accept the part I had in it.
This is not the first time indeed, that’s why I finally ask for help here.
I had two relatively peaceful relationships of 5 and 2 years but also two other very awful ones in the past, about 8 months each. I am just very tired trying to make it work with someone and is wondering if in the end, it’s just because relationships are not easy and need work. Isn’t it always a balance between good and bad times?Thank you ladies. From the bottom of my heart. <3
August 15, 2024 at 7:53 am #436234HelcatParticipantHi Butterfly
Another thought I had is that when living with someone new there is an adjustment period. When I started living with my partner everything annoyed me because he does things in his own way and I had to get used to sharing my space. After 6 months I started to enjoy living with him. Hopefully, things will get easier?
If you are still having these problems with noise cancelling headphones they are probably not good enough quality. My husband has really expensive ones, $800 and I can honestly say that he hears nothing with them on. I’ve had to tap him on the shoulder before. 😂 The $300 ones are not as good for the noise cancelling. It really is a case of you get what you pay for.
It is up to you whether you would like to build a room. To me that seems like an extreme solution. You would have to deal with people in the office. So making an effort to co-exist whilst also setting boundaries would make more sense to me but I am not you and it is your life.
Sure relationships are hard work. There is good and bad. But fighting so much at the beginning of a relationship is a concern. This is usually the honeymoon phase. Then again it sounds like a lot of pressure has been placed on you both in a very short amount of time. Living with someone you don’t know very well, who is completely different to you. Buying a house, changing jobs. It’s not a surprise that you’re feeling overwhelmed right now.
Perhaps the reason that you both fought during your holiday is because changing jobs is stressful? Especially after buying a new house. Increases in stress breed arguments. It can be helpful to be aware of high levels and try to manage stress as best as you can.
It sounds like your partner really likes you and enjoys spending time with you. While you are pushing him away.
It is hard living with someone messier than you who is so different. And frustrating. But you can choose how you want to respond to that. You can either be mad about the situation or choose to accept it. The alternative is breaking up.
Perhaps give yourselves some time to actually settle down and relax?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 15, 2024 at 7:59 am #436235HelcatParticipantI also study with my husband and a baby in the room. It gets pretty noisy with his toys. Ear defenders help me, but they only reduce noise as opposed to the excellent headphones which completely eliminate it.
Life happens when you live with someone. Adapting is helpful.
August 15, 2024 at 8:21 am #436236anitaParticipantDear butterfly:
You are very welcome! “I had two relatively peaceful relationships of 5 and 2 years“- it is possible for you to have (another) relatively peaceful relationship. Is it possible for him: did he have a relatively peaceful long-term (2-5 years) relationship in his past?
“I’m tired of negative experience of us both fighting“- has he been the one initiating the fights and prolonging them?
“But I am trying to accept the part I had in it“- you were not perfectly peaceful while under the duress of war? (You wrote in your original post: “I always seek peace and harmony“).
“we both got noise cancelling headphones, but that won’t be enough… Putting a wall between both our offices will increase the house’s resale value… I now have to deal with the resentment of this whole two weeks fighting and not enjoying the atmosphere in the house. I don’t often have vacations and I am very mad at him for ruining it“- headphones will not be enough to cancel your resentment, neither will a wall.
“Isn’t it always a balance between good and bad times?“- I suppose it’s a balance between good times and bad times that are unpredictable or can’t be prevented (like sickness, getting fired from a job). But if one partner (or both) repeatedly create problems and suffering that don’t have to be there, then..
There is a saying: The Proof is in the Pudding, meaning: the true value or quality of something can only be determined by experiencing it first hand. Is this pudding (relationship) good for you, day in and day out, long term?
anita
August 15, 2024 at 8:30 am #436237anitaParticipantAdding: I don’t think that it should be about judging him as a good person or a bad person, or about diagnosing him with this or that disorder. It’s about this: is he a good person for you to have in your life, long-term, does he make you a better, healthier person, or does he cause you distress, self-doubt, unease?
anita
August 15, 2024 at 11:17 am #436238butterflyParticipant@helcat oh I didn’t know about the quality, however I don’t think noise cancelling my boyfriend would help, when he is literally physically up and in front of me waving for my attention or tapping on the floor to get my attention lol. My hyperfocus tends to be the noise-cancelling feature 😉 But the headphones will be a 100% useful during meetings.
What you said is true in comparison to an actual real-life office. I am willing to handle a few interruptions here and there!
I need to take time to think and see how that goes, because maybe he senses me pushing away. Adapting to him is something I already do a lot, that’s not even a question to me. I think I need to properly assert what is that I am willing to accept and what is not okay to me.
@anita did he have a relatively peaceful long-term He already had other girlfriends and some lasted long, but I don’t know much about how peaceful the relationships were. It’s hard to say. He was single during 3 years prior to meeting me.has he been the one initiating the fights and prolonging them? I don’t think he is initiating the fights all the time, it’s mostly me being sensitive to his emotional bursts and me trying to fix his behaviour, I must admit. He says so many people always tells him that he always look irritated or grumpy and that it’s part of how he is, that he is not medicated and it’s part of the ADHD to not be properly attuned to his non-verbal reactions. I tend to react to that grumpiness, it affects me a lot even though maybe it shouldn’t. I am trying to sense the mood otherwise since I am a very visual person, it’s hard.
Sometimes, I am not really in the mood myself and I offload, but afterwards I retreat to my little corner and I expected him to do that instead of offloading on me all the time. He has to moderate for god sakes 😛
you were not perfectly peaceful while under the duress of war? that question I’m not sure I understood :/
Where I had long term relationships and felt more at peace, was when the guy was not as emotional as me. However, in our case, both of us are sensitive. I started feeling angry inside more often than not, and maybe that’s a good thing to now be able to feel the anger instead of suppressing it, but I don’t like the frequency of that feeling.
He says he is very curious about what I do and says I never tell him anything, but when I start talking he looses focus and is hard to communicate with due to his ADHD. I have to deal with feeling unseen a lot, but I developed a way to self-care and do my own stuff. I try to explain to him why I need to do that, to compensate.
I also feel the only things I can do peacefully at home is when I know I’m not going to get interrupted or looked at over the shoulder. I seek to resolve the lack of peace I have inside of me, and I don’t want to accuse my boyfriend of being the culprit.
I am pondering on what can be unpredicable or not. What issues am I creating myself? I think sometimes I withdraw too much and that creates anxiety for him.
I think we both have very different personalities and after reading y’all…the question I ask myself is: are we able to adapt to each other?
Is this pudding (relationship) good for you, day in and day out, long term?
Is such an excellent question. I am going to have at least a long month of introspective thinking ahead of me… I also just booked couple’s therapy. I have been insisting for a few months and he finally gave in.
Thank you again my online friends, you are very helpful! <3
August 15, 2024 at 12:02 pm #436240anitaParticipantDear butterfly: I will read and reply by Fri morning (it’s Thurs early afternoon here).
anita
August 16, 2024 at 6:28 am #436252HelcatParticipantHi Butterfly
How does he react if you simply say that you are busy and will catch up with him later? For particularly busy periods. My husband wears his headphones as a sign that he is too busy to talk. But he takes them off at less busy periods. Sometimes context clues like that mean that people don’t interrupt. It might take some explaining and figuring out for how to manage the interrupting. I had a coworker that talked when she was less busy and simply said mmmm when she was busy when people spoke to her and focused on her work refusing to talk. This is a context clue that I found helpful. It sounds like it’s all going to require a lot of talking about various options. You could schedule coffee breaks or lunch together. There are a lot of different things to try but it is about finding what works best for you both. Couples counselling sounds like a good idea. I hope that it will help you both to figure things out.
It’s a shame that your needs aren’t being met and you feel angry a lot.
If his adhd is causing severe problems he might want to consider treatment.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 16, 2024 at 6:38 am #436253HelcatParticipantMy husband also says things like shh and I’m in a meeting or can you take the baby through. I guess it’s not really stressful just simply being asked to do something. If he has problems with these basic things he definitely needs some kind of treatment.
August 16, 2024 at 6:42 am #436254HelcatParticipantMaybe a set number of interruptions allowed during less busy times could also be helpful if he interrupts a lot.
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