November 22, 2017 at 6:42 am #179113
I have lived a hard life.
I’m 19, a lesbian (which has at some points caused former friends to react…sourly), I have been raped by my own cousin, blamed for it by my best friend (his sister), and emotionally abused/manipulated by my mother.
I suffer from depression, though it’s only caused me to have no motivation, and from anxiety.
Though my life is starting to take a turn for the better, I still look back on what’s happened and I think, “Why did I never give up hope? Why haven’t I yet?”
I haven’t turned bitter. I haven’t turned abusive. I haven’t taken up any defense mechanisms that hurt people around me; only myself.
In fact, I’ve been called sweet and amazing and…whatever else.
Anyway, it seems as though I’m not physically able to give up hope. Even if my last string of hope is gone; there’s still specs of it floating in the air and it won’t just let me give up.
I know it’s a weird thing to not want. It’s ignorant I guess? Whatever, I’m not good with words.
But it keeps making me push forward because it won’t let me let go of the idea that there’s something great at the end of this. I just want to let go and die. I’m so tired.
I tell myself that it wouldn’t be misplaced if I were to let go; like I said, I’ve lived a hard life, and I guess it would be understandable if I were to just off myself…
So why don’t I? I’ve already come to terms with the fear of the pain of actually killing myself; it doesn’t scare me anymore. What comes after doesn’t scare me either. What scares me is thinking I’ll miss out on something great.
Feels like I’m on my own kind of anti-depressant that just stops me from ending it all.November 22, 2017 at 7:04 am #179115
What is happening with your plan of moving to North Carolina, to stay with friends who are waiting for you with open arms, as you shared before?
Regarding the hope- that is the desire to live, to keep living. It is that drive, that motivation that other animals experience, without thinking about it, without words.
It is inborn, we are born with that drive, that hope. Some people mess us up, but that drive, it is so strong. Let it be. Let it drive you… to North Carolina for now…?
anitaNovember 22, 2017 at 9:06 am #179117
I’m sorry that your experiencing depression and feeling that you want to die and for it all to end.
Often below thoughts of wanting to die is a hope for change. Which I know seems like a contradiction but isn’t. Life is a process of change a cycle of birth/death – Birth and death not two sides of a coin but existing within each other. We cannot change without also letting something go. Every act of creation is also a act of destruction, every act of destruction is a act of creation. Every choice we make also represents the choices we did not make and some times we get stuck mourning the choices not made and so lose sight of where we are. Often a wish to die is a resistance to birth-death cycle. Wanting things to change while everything we actually do keeps things the same.
Anyway, I found your topic title ‘I want to lose hope’ interesting. It made me smile because of the contradictions such a statement contains. Contradictions that may be influencing the disappointments you have experienced and why you might not be able to let them go and move beyond them. It seems to me that your real hope is to see what might lie beyond your past experiences and where you might go next.
Your saying that your hope is to lose hope – you hope is to die (change) but before you can“die”, you need to lose hope???
It is my opinion that hope is a skill most people suck at. Unskillful hope is hoping for things that aren’t possible like going back in time to do something differently, or hope for things we have no intention to work towards, hope that change might magically just happen – without having to “die” or let go. (The First Nobel Truth is that all life is suffering, pain, and misery. The Second Truth is that this suffering is caused by selfish craving and personal desire – in my view resisting birth-death cycle that is Life and hoping that that reality wasn’t so)
When hope is unskillful a hope to lose hope just may be the correct path out. Unskillful hope can only lead to depression and becoming stuck.
It seems to me that there is a part of you, an inner wisdom, that Knows you, and knowing you, pushing you to let go of the past and seek out what is beyond the next curve in the road or top of some hill. (Maybe this will to see what lies beyond the bend, what you can’t yet see or know with certainty, isn’t hope but faith in the birth/death cycle). Your authentic self needing you to have faith in the birth/death cycle, faith in your story and that yes, though you will experience disappointment their will also be experiences of joy… Regardless your story will be an interesting one. So maybe let go of this hope to lose hope and instead let your self hope for what you really seek. Trust this inner wisdom that wants to you to experience what happens next. I have no doubt that you are going to have a story worth telling. (Your story is already worth telling)
Hope is paradoxical. It is neither passive waiting nor is it unrealistic forcing of circumstances that cannot occur. It is like the crouched tiger, which will jump only when the moment for jumping has come. Neither tired reformism nor pseudo-radical adventurism is an expression of hope. To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime. There is no sense in hoping for that which already exists or for that which cannot be. Those whose hope is weak settle down for comfort or for violence; those whose hope is strong see and cherish all signs of new life and are ready every moment to help the birth of that which is ready to be born. ― Eric Fromm – The Revolution of Hope
“We say that flowers return every spring, but that is a lie. It is true that the world is renewed. It is also true that that renewal comes at a price, for even if the flower grows from an ancient vine, the flowers of spring are themselves new to the world, untried and untested. The flower that wilted last year is gone. Petals once fallen are fallen forever. Flowers do not return in the spring, rather they are replaced. It is in this difference between returned and replaced that the price of renewal is paid. And as it is for spring flowers, so it is for us.” ― Daniel Abraham, The Price of SpringNovember 26, 2017 at 3:19 pm #179509
I can relate to this post. I’m trans and bi in a very religious household that doesn’t accept things like that. My school environment can be pretty bad as well, and while I have a group of friends to hang around, they don’t talk to me very much and they don’t feel like real friends. For a long time, I was extremely depressed and really just wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to kill myself, I just wanted to be able to hit a button and magically not exist or something. But I didn’t want to kill myself, and I refused to let that happen. That may be the worst kind of depression in my opinion. Being right on the edge of suicide but far enough to not seriously consider it. But then I started a YouTube channel, ranting about life and getting it all out. I gained some subscribers, and I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time: motivation. That pulled me out of my depression really quick actually. You can have the willpower to survive, but there’s a difference between surviving and living. You can’t live without motivation. This will probably sound cliché, but finding a hobby or a job that you’re really passionate about will smack your depression all the way down to hell where it came from. If you don’t have a hobby you really care about, then try taking up new ones. I didn’t realize how true it was until I found it was working. Right now, you are surviving. And with that being your best effort, that’s great. But if you can gain a passion, then you can start living.