I would like an objective perspective on this situation

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This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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November 5, 2018 at 7:41 am #235497

Anonymous
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Dear Dee:

A reasonable option: to end the relationship and look for a man who is interested in marriage soon and is established professionally and financially, a process that if you proceed wisely, in a planned manner, can take less than a year, I am thinking.

An unreasonable option is to passively wait for him to “sort out his professional life”.

A possibly reasonable option: to work closely with him on an almost daily basis on sorting out his professional and financial life, that is, to not wait passively but to be actively involved in the process via ongoing conversations and following his applications to work places and such.

This way, you will be able to learn more if he has basic sense financially and professionally, if he is motivated to learn and to work well with you as a team. After a few months or so of doing this, you will have enough information to evaluate whether a marriage with him will be a good idea.

anita

November 5, 2018 at 3:18 pm #235597

Dhwani
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your reasonable options.

So do you think the third option is should pick. Current scenario is, I have been seeing him apply for job in lot of government sectors. Not only that, I’ve helped him write cover letters and proof read lot of his applications too.

I am just so hurt and let down to see that man at 32 who made me feel this way didn’t even think rationally about his career choices at all.

What more can I do? Other than, wait for him to get a job and then see whether he will stick through it.

Thank you,

Dhwani

November 5, 2018 at 7:08 pm #235611

Brandy
Participant

Hi Dee,

You’re tired of heartbreaks and want to find Mr. Right. You’ve been seeing a man for a year. You love him but he’s been unemployed the entire time you’ve been with him.

How is he paying his bills? Are you helping him?

If you plan to have children with him, he’ll need to be able to provide for them. If it turns out that he is unable to do so, all of the burden will be on you. Be smart about this. Do not agree to marry him until he has sorted out his professional life.

You are disappointed that a man of 32 years old hasn’t made rational career choices. You ask What more can I do? I don’t think there’s much more you can do other than to trust your instincts.

B

November 5, 2018 at 7:39 pm #235623

Dhwani
Participant

Hi B,

Thanks heaps for writing back.

I haven’t really helped him, it was either from his savings, an understanding flatmate and some earning he made before he decided to quit his last job. The only time I have helped him is when he’s come to see me and I would pay for our lunches and dinners.

He’s told me the same that you wouldn’t want to marry an unemployed guy so let me fix this. But I just feel very let down by him.

You are right, there’s nothing more I can do.

Thanks,

Dee

November 5, 2018 at 7:49 pm #235629

Brandy
Participant

Hi Dee,

You are very welcome. I understand how disappointing this must be for you. I wish the situation was different.

B

November 6, 2018 at 4:01 am #235657

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dee:

Let’s see: he left his job with the purpose of starting a business, then quit the starting a business idea, aimed at data science, got a contract job, quit the contract job idea to study, and has been unemployed for a year total. He told you to save for a wedding but didn’t save a penny himself.

It doesn’t look good. You spent a year hoping, but better not spend a lifetime hoping and waiting, getting disappointed, then getting your hopes up, then disappointed again and in the process have a child or children perhaps, having to support them financially yourself as well as supporting him. It may be time to end the relationship, however sad you will feel doing so.

It occurred to me that his work history before quitting the job a year ago can be helpful toward your decision, his education/ work history during his twenties. Do you have information about that?

anita

November 7, 2018 at 8:24 pm #235923
Dhwani
Participant
Dear Anita,

I totally agree with you. Can’t fall into that trap at all.

He used to work as a merchandise retail manager for Cosco for four-five year and later for another retail company until he decided to go for business.

He has Bachelors in Business and now doing masters in Data Science, while also looking for jobs in the same field or related to IT.

That’s all the information I have. The last chat we had, he said to me he is doing his best and applying for jobs day in day out. My issue with that is, before Xmas, no one seem to be hiring. He even updated saying this morning he applied for 6 jobs.

I told him I wasn’t happy with his choice of decisions. He says, I know how disappoint you are, but I need to set my career for our better future and I am confident we will make it work.

I hope that’s the case, otherwise I will have to make a decision to separate (no matter how heartbreaking it would be).

Dhwani
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Dhwani.
November 8, 2018 at 12:21 am #235935

John
Participant

If you feel he is the one, that you love him and want to marry him, then work with him on this problem. Because I can tell you this now, if this is already making you second guess him, there are a lot of things that might happen while you are married that will elicit the same response from you.

He can find another job. Hell, he could work at a Burger King. Can you roll the dice on finding someone you connect with like this again? Which is more important to you, the relationship or his employment? I get that for a lot of people, those things go hand in hand. I like to feel like I am participating in my marriage. But I would never leave my wife if she lost her job and stayed unemployed. Some people are just “rudderless”. If that is a problem for you, make sure you find out if he is just experiencing a bit of professional wanderlust (I did when I first got my software engineering degree) or if this is the norm.

I would wager, without knowing him personally, that he is having a hard time finding a place to fit in with his field of work. I experienced the same thing, as did numerous other tech degree holders. We are told while getting our degrees that the sky is the limit and we can write our own ticket, and then reality sets in. Maybe there are few tech jobs near you and you need to move. Maybe they are almost all with a handful of companies. Maybe the jobs pay well but are “hired gun” contracts that don’t last very long. Finding something that feels right as someone in tech is hard. Talk to him. Find out what is going on. See if he is just having a hard time finding that right fit and if so, work with him to find something that will fulfill him professionally. It will make your relationship that much stronger.

November 8, 2018 at 7:38 am #235975

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dee:

There is no indication in what you shared that he is a bad person, or even lazy. He is just not where you want a man to be if you are to marry him. It is not about whether he is good or bad. It is about whether he is suitable to you as a husband, and most important, if you are to start a family, whether he is suitable to be the father of your children.

And it is not to say of course, that finances is the only qualifier of such suitability.

If your purpose with him was friendship alone, those things won’t matter much, I assume. If you were his to be employer, his savings or lack of won’t matter to you as long as he was able to show up to work on time and dressed appropriately, looking presentable. But the context you are considering is marriage, and his lack of savings and stability at work are very relevant.

(It will be better for him to have you reject him now than marry him and be miserable with him, something that he will surely notice).

anita
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