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I would like an objective perspective on this situation

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  • November 5, 2018 at 6:37 am #235435
    Dhwani
    Participant

    Dear all,

    Hope everyone is well.

    I am very new to this, and I always enjoyed reading spiritual quotes here, since I am a lot into spirituality. I am usually very connected with my intuition and senses. However, this time I seem to fail.

    I am 31 year old professional woman, and I have had a series of failed relationships. Coming from Indian background, I felt the need to register myself on Matrimonial site (where people who are looking to settle down and take dating to next level of commitment), thinking I will find a partner who doesn’t just want to date, but take it further by committing to life.

    So I did meet a fine man who is also spiritual being like me, enjoys yoga, meditation and we just seem to share many similar values. We met, we started dating a year ago and even before we knew, we were in love and felt a strong connection to take this forward.

    After our first travel together almost a year back, he immediately said he can’t wait to put a ring on my finger. I had plans of moving to the same country as he was living in and I made it possible soon after. We don’t live in the same city, but we do make it a point to see each other once or twice a month. I then asked him in June, if he genuinely saw his future and we were going to take any actions toward it and his response was 2019 is our year and we will get married somewhere in July, then later he said Sept. Once we were out on dinner date, he even said he will propose to me this year.

    Now another element to this story is, he has been unemployed for over a year. He first left his job to start his business, he then changed his mind and decided to go into data science, and then he got a contract job and left that to finish his certificate courses and keep looking for jobs in data science. He told me we need to save for the wedding so I started to, but he hasn’t managed to save a penny. I haven’t seen much stability in him, but I love him dearly for his humble nature and the kind of person he is. But I also need a working man who can help make a life together.

    I am concerned, genuinely. I am not ready to keep going through heartbreaks. I saw my future with him, but now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing by giving him more time to sort out his professional life. My friends and my mother think I am not doing the right thing. My biggest issue, I feel let down because he built up my expectations, and then he is not working towards it.

    He could have kept his job which was ending in Dec, but just before Xmas he decided to quite because he didn’t like “nature of the job”, and decided to only focus on getting a job in data science. He assures me that he will get his life sorted and he will make the wedding happen next year. But more than just the marriage, what if he cannot be stable and also, what if he won’t be able to get married. I am quite disappointed, but I also feel I should have faith in him.

    Where do you think I am going wrong and is there anything more or less I should do to make this work?

    Sorry for the long essay, just wanted to give a clear context to this story.

    Many thanks for reading it.

    Dee

    November 5, 2018 at 7:41 am #235497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dee:

    A reasonable option: to end the relationship and look for a man who is interested in marriage soon and is established professionally and financially, a process that if you proceed wisely, in a planned manner, can take less than a year, I am thinking.

    An unreasonable option is to passively wait for him to “sort out his professional life”.

    A possibly reasonable option: to work closely with him on an almost daily basis on sorting out his professional and financial life, that is, to not wait passively but to be actively involved in the process via ongoing conversations and following his applications to work places and such.

    This way, you will be able to learn more if he has basic sense financially and professionally, if he is motivated to learn and to work well with you as a team. After a few months or so of doing this, you will have enough information to evaluate whether a marriage with him will be a good idea.

    anita

    November 5, 2018 at 3:18 pm #235597
    Dhwani
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your reasonable options.

    So do you think the third option is should pick. Current scenario is, I have been seeing him apply for job in lot of government sectors. Not only that, I’ve helped him write cover letters and proof read lot of his applications too.

    I am just so hurt and let down to see that man at 32 who made me feel this way didn’t even think rationally about his career choices at all.

    What more can I do? Other than, wait for him to get a job and then see whether he will stick through it.

    Thank you,

    Dhwani

    November 5, 2018 at 7:08 pm #235611
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Dee,

    You’re tired of heartbreaks and want to find Mr. Right. You’ve been seeing a man for a year. You love him but he’s been unemployed the entire time you’ve been with him.

    How is he paying his bills? Are you helping him?

    If you plan to have children with him, he’ll need to be able to provide for them. If it turns out that he is unable to do so, all of the burden will be on you. Be smart about this. Do not agree to marry him until he has sorted out his professional life.

    You are disappointed that a man of 32 years old hasn’t made rational career choices. You ask What more can I do? I don’t think there’s much more you can do other than to trust your instincts.

    B

    November 5, 2018 at 7:39 pm #235623
    Dhwani
    Participant

    Hi B,

    Thanks heaps for writing back.

    I haven’t really helped him, it was either from his savings, an understanding flatmate and some earning he made before he decided to quit his last job. The only time I have helped him is when he’s come to see me and I would pay for our lunches and dinners.

    He’s told me the same that you wouldn’t want to marry an unemployed guy so let me fix this. But I just feel very let down by him.

    You are right, there’s nothing more I can do.

    Thanks,

    Dee

    November 5, 2018 at 7:49 pm #235629
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Dee,

    You are very welcome. I understand how disappointing this must be for you. I wish the situation was different.

    B

    November 6, 2018 at 4:01 am #235657
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dee:

    Let’s see: he left his job with the purpose of starting a business, then quit the starting a business idea, aimed at data science, got a contract job, quit the contract job idea to study, and has been unemployed for a year total. He told you to save for a wedding but didn’t save a penny himself.

    It doesn’t look good. You spent a year hoping, but better not spend a lifetime hoping and waiting, getting disappointed, then getting your hopes up, then disappointed again and in the process have a child or children perhaps, having to support them financially yourself as well as supporting him. It may be time to end the relationship, however sad you will feel doing so.

    It occurred to me that his work history before quitting the job a year ago can be helpful toward your decision, his education/ work history during his twenties. Do you have information about that?

    anita

    November 7, 2018 at 8:24 pm #235923
    Dhwani
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I totally agree with you. Can’t fall into that trap at all.

    He used to work as a merchandise retail manager for Cosco for four-five year and later for another retail company until he decided to go for business.

    He has Bachelors in Business and now doing masters in Data Science, while also looking for jobs in the same field or related to IT.

    That’s all the information I have. The last chat we had, he said to me he is doing his best and applying for jobs day in day out. My issue with that is, before Xmas, no one seem to be hiring. He even updated saying this morning he applied for 6 jobs.

    I told him I wasn’t happy with his choice of decisions. He says, I know how disappoint you are, but I need to set my career for our better future and I am confident we will make it work.

    I hope that’s the case, otherwise I will have to make a decision to separate (no matter how heartbreaking it would be).

    Dhwani

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Dhwani.
    November 8, 2018 at 12:21 am #235935
    John
    Participant

    If you feel he is the one, that you love him and want to marry him, then work with him on this problem. Because I can tell you this now, if this is already making you second guess him, there are a lot of things that might happen while you are married that will elicit the same response from you.

     

    He can find another job. Hell, he could work at a Burger King. Can you roll the dice on finding someone you connect with like this again? Which is more important to you, the relationship or his employment? I get that for a lot of people, those things go hand in hand. I like to feel like I am participating in my marriage. But I would never leave my wife if she lost her job and stayed unemployed. Some people are just “rudderless”. If that is a problem for you, make sure you find out if he is just experiencing a bit of professional wanderlust (I did when I first got my software engineering degree) or if this is the norm.

     

    I would wager, without knowing him personally, that he is having a hard time finding a place to fit in with his field of work. I experienced the same thing, as did numerous other tech degree holders. We are told while getting our degrees that the sky is the limit and we can write our own ticket, and then reality sets in. Maybe there are few tech jobs near you and you need to move. Maybe they are almost all with a handful of companies. Maybe the jobs pay well but are “hired gun” contracts that don’t last very long. Finding something that feels right as someone in tech is hard. Talk to him. Find out what is going on. See if he is just having a hard time finding that right fit and if so, work with him to find something that will fulfill him professionally. It will make your relationship that much stronger.

    November 8, 2018 at 7:38 am #235975
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dee:

    There is no indication in what you shared  that he  is a bad person, or even lazy. He is just not where you want a  man to be if you are  to marry him. It is not about  whether he is  good or bad. It  is about whether he is  suitable to you as a husband, and most important, if you are to start a family,  whether he is suitable to be the father  of your children.

    And it is not  to say of course, that finances is the only qualifier of such suitability.

    If  your purpose with him was  friendship alone, those  things won’t matter much, I assume. If you were his to be  employer, his  savings or lack of won’t matter  to you as long as he was  able  to show up to work on time and dressed appropriately, looking presentable. But the context you are  considering is marriage, and his lack of  savings and stability at  work are very relevant.

    (It will be better for him to have  you reject him now than marry him and be miserable  with him,  something that he  will surely notice).

    anita

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