Dear HelloFriend:

There are a few issues here:

1) A mother’s attention to her children: regardless of a woman’s childhood and mental diagnoses, it is impossible for a person to pay attention to another (be it one’s child or any other person) most of the time, and definitely not all of the time. This is why we need to sleep for quite a few hours every 24 hour cycle and this is why we need alone time every so often during our awake time. A good mother pays enough attention to her children, not perfect attention (the latter is, again, impossible).

2) Comparing yourself to your mother: “Looking back to my childhood, I realize my mom (shame also) rarely played with me, rather she also put a lot of tv on..” –

I have a point to make: your OCD, ADHD, self harm (of the past, at least), depression and anxiety, all that you mentioned, these, I suggest, were not the result of your mother rarely playing with you and putting on a lot of TV. These are a result of her aggressive behavior toward you. You didn’t describe such, but it is parental aggression (overt or covert) that brings about such harm on a child (OCD, etc.). Do you agree?

If you express no aggression toward your children, overt or covert, and neither does your husband, your children are not likely to be as harmed as you have been.

3) Hate vs Gentleness toward yourself: “And I hate myself when I notice …”- hating yourself hurts your ability to pay more attention to your children. For more attention ability, be gentle with yourself, not hateful. Congratulate yourself for all the efforts you make, for the attention you do give them, smile and say to yourself: “good job!”

anita

Hello Friend…I can hardly touch on what Anita has offered. What she offers, what I see anyway, is a door is opened, a door that when you walk through it will give you ways to see things in a more gentle, loving way. I remember a time when I was in the Navy, just before my daughter was born. I told a Navy buddy of mine, “Troy I’m going to be a good father to her.” He threw me a curve ball that I didn’t expect, and asked me, “How do you know? You have never been a father before.” For some reason, I did not hesitate to answer. I said, “Troy, I’m going to do the opposite my father did. And if that requires me to revisit painful experiences as a vehicle to make good decisions, then I’ll gladly go there.” I have no idea where that answer came from, but, it works. (Incidentally, without going into details, it wasn’t until much later that I learned that who I thought was my father, wasn’t.) My daughter has been gone, off to college, enjoying her life. But before this I DID revisit painful experiences so that I can exercise what I know is right. You’re children need love. ESPECIALLY now. They are imprinting right now. They have been and will continue to do so for quite some time. I guess my point is, knowing this, give them love to imprint. Give them an example they will honor, cherish, love, and pass on to their children. They do not deserve anger and hostility. They deserve your love.

How about baby steps every day set you alarm on your phone and sit down for just 10mins …5mins?) and read a book with them? Draw a picture with them? Walk to the letterbox with them? This may help?

Also focus on what you already do… such as when you give them lunch stop focus eye contact smile! Tie there shoes up? Eye contact smile hug….putting there pj’s tickle them? Putting seatbelt on in car…kiss, high five eye contact smile etc etc try remember to be really present in all those basic routine things you do everyday . I’ve started this and found it better for my self love and telling myself daily I’m a good mum and I’m trying and doing my best.