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I'm a bad person

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  • #48131
    Mimi
    Participant

    Over the course of 8 months I have wrecked my own life.

    Not with family or finance or my partner or my grades, as I am a college student.

    What happened to me was a falling out with my friends. It is entirely destroyed now between myself and 4 other people, one who was my best, closest friend for 5 years. For 5 years we told each other everything, I loved her so deeply it tore me apart to be away from her for even a day. I love my friends, I care deeply for them and I always have, but there is another side to me.
    I’m not the perfect example of a person.
    In fact, I think I’m bad.

    I destroyed it by being envious, by being jealous, by letting anger cloud my judgement. I didn’t talk behind anyone’s back or spread rumors, I just acted out when I felt jealous and angry. I would say things to her like ‘you make me suffer’ or ‘you make me want to kill myself’ or I would bring up things that I knew hurt her just by saying it. This was not an everyday occurrence, but it happened and it poisoned the closeness we had. It wasn’t intentional, I would let my anger control me and then I would lash out. After a huge fight we had back in August, after I told her how she made me suffer, ignoring her for a week straight, and in general losing myself to my bitterness inside, she had had enough and became enraged.
    Then the 3 others followed. They stopped talking to me, who were her friends too. Us 3 didn’t really have crazy fights, but I said something horrible in one of my tirades, I said I didn’t care if they were dead or alive.
    This happened because the 3 of them were going to hang out with my friend, and I was so incredibly jealous that I said that about them. They went on a roadtrip that I was not able to attend, and that is when I became nasty.
    And after it was over something between me and my friend changed. She didn’t want to deal with me anymore, she told me so, she told me she wanted to change and I thought things would return to normal, but that August they never did.

    It became worse and worse. She grew distant from me, I begged for forgiveness. I told her I would change, I promised her I would, I pleaded but she just grew increasingly isolated. I’ll give her credit, she tried her damnedest to let me in again, but she was too hurt by my words. I made her suffer because of what I had done. What I had BEEN doing. It was a long battle until it came to an end Nov. 5 of 2013. She told me that day, through text, that she was finished and she couldn’t do it anymore. She stopped talking to me that day, deleted me from everything, and any mention of me has not been good from her end from what i’ve seen on her webpages.

    I miss her so much. I miss them all, in fact. But I miss her especially. She was my soul mate and I tarnished it all. For the past two months I’ve been looking deeply into myself and trying to find a solution. I’ve tried so hard to hide my discomfort, my pain, my sorrow and anguish. I was scared and alone for the first time in 5 years. She made me feel like I could take on the world, we had so many good times together. I lament it every day and now that I’ve begun to study Buddhism in an attempt to right the wrongs I’ve done to others and myself, I wonder what exactly one who was once bad can do? Is there a way to go when you’ve backed yourself up into a corner?

    Can I change? Do I have the capacity? Am I an irredeemable monster for what I did? I left a lot out here, believe me, I am a hurricane of emotion and troubles, my life has been a mish-mash of horrible and shocking, not all bad–but worse than most.

    I want to change. I’m doing my best to. I feel so much pain over my mistakes, over my bad decisions…I wish I was dead a lot of the time.

    Does anyone have any advice? I know we aren’t all angels, so does anyone have any advice on what to do when you try to turn your life around? I keep seeing stories about people who were on the receiving end of bad friendships/relationships…but what about the people that caused the hurt?
    What about us? I just want to stop hurting people, I want to feel compassion and love everyone deeply. I cry every day because I know I overlooked such a simple thing and created a monster inside me when all I wanted was love and happiness from someone I loved so much.
    Please help me.

    #48136
    halfofasoul
    Participant

    Oh hun, I know exactly how you feel. I really think you should look into borderline personality disorder. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml It sounds very very possible that you suffer from it, though of course I am not a medical practitioner and any assessment/diagnosis should come from your doctor. Just a suggestion though.

    This post leapt out at me because I have BPD and have for over 20 years (I’m 29). I only got a diagnosis (or any formal mental healthcare) within the last year. It has been terrifying and hard, but also an incredible RELIEF to know what the problem is. It gives me hope that I can treat it now that I recognize it. I you felt exactly like you and I used the exact same language for myself (pretty much all BPDs do actually): I’m a monster, I’m evil, I’m a bad person, etc. etc. Please know that you are NOT a bad person. You have adapted to some very difficult circumstances and parts of you now turn very angry (even cruel) in an effort to protect you when you feel vulnerable or afraid of being abandoned. I could go on forever about the sad irony of BPD and the pain it causes in close relationships but this is not the place. Basically for me, in a nutshell, BPD boiled down to the phrase: You always hurt the one you love.

    Being able to relate to others with this disorder may give you the sense of relief, hope and belonging that it gave me. There are lots of borderline personality disorder support groups and online forums but I know I couldn’t possibly have improved without psychiatric care. Medicine, therapy, and online support have all formed important parts of my BPD journey. If you want to check out my blog on borderline personality disorder (there are tons), it is: http://halfofasoul.wordpress.com

    Take care and know that things are going to be okay xxxxx

    #48195
    Rain
    Participant

    Well, if it only makes you feel any better, in the last one year, I’ve lost the closest friends… some since 30 years… family and husband. I’ve withdrawn myself from people and most social places. I guess everyone hates me.

    Sometimes I wonder how I was able to pull off such a feat since I’ve been a people pleaser all my life… all I wanted to do was love and care for others and felt that somehow they were indifferent. But the problem was or is I think now is that all my life… I mean since childhood… being neglected and not loved by my parents, I tried to find love outside. But I forgot to love myself, take care of myself.

    So without boring you, I’d say forget the people for the time being. I know it’s difficult. But just be there for yourself, love and care for yourself and this behavior will change… though not overnight. Any habit doesn’t go easily but when you are at peace with yourself, you’ll emit certain vibes that’ll attract new friends. The old ones may not come back as their judgement is clouded by previous actions so it’s better to wish them well and let them go. Just enjoy your company for a change. Take help from a few good books … not self help… but any nice book, thriller, biography or music, movies etc.

    When you enjoy your own company people will do so too. There’s hope but a lot of pain and effort will go into it… but you’ll be fine in the end. You’ll survive and be a stronger person. Do a vipassana course and it may help you.

    #49497
    Mimi
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your reply, i’m really glad you said that.
    I’m not sure if it’s BPD. I know I have bipolar disorder (or I was diagnosed as such) and I definitely have aspergers syndrome, but BPD is something I never considered before.

    I will look into it.
    I just want to be able to move past what I’ve done. I’ve had a few mess ups and thrown words of hatred at the people these past few weeks, it was stupid, I’m a fool who can’t control myself and I feel like I have a handle on things sometimes…then I just..lose control and want to lash out at everything. I feel like I’m not allowed to be angry because I’m an evil monster and every action I do is evil…but then I SEE others doing things like I do–worse even–and they act like they are justified and I feel SO mad.

    I read some of what you linked and I feel you on some parts, on others I know I have a handle on myself. I used to self harm and I stopped after an intense round of therapy for 5 years. I haven’t cut for at least 2 years? And even then if I did it would be once every few months or so. Now I don’t even feel like doing it.
    I’ve had a lot of breakthroughs with myself, personal ones. I’ve grown in some ways…I feel like I’m still the same in others.

    It’s nice to know some people know what I’m going through. I do feel scared and alone sometimes then I feel independent other times. The biggest thing is the relationships with others thing. That’s very true for me, I have hard times with friends. I just get…so possessive but I’m not obsessed…I just think I’m loyal and loving. I don’t want to go into bad territory and hurt others. It’s not my intention to create hatred or anger. It just happens.

    #49498
    Mimi
    Participant

    Yeah, a lot of my other friends have told me to forget it and not touch it again because my angry past and hatred has nothing new to show or say to me.
    I’m going to try and find new hobbies or something along those lines. I appreciate that you’ve shared your story, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I hope you get along better too. Thank you.

    #49541
    Jade
    Participant

    My advice: be gentle with yourself (we all make mistakes/are flawed, and are worthy of forgiveness), try to discover the root of your anger (and how to dissipate it), and practice mindfulness (resisting the urge to go through life on autopilot or reacting without thinking).

    #49544
    Matt
    Participant

    Mimi,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and wish you every joy. I’m also sorry to have overlooked your post when you first wrote it. What struck me most is how harsh you are with yourself, how mean, how little space you give yourself to make mistakes. Don’t do that, dear one. You are not broken, bad, or evil. You’re learning, searching, and very passionate. Sure, you’ve lashed out, which has had real consequences, but not from maliciousness, only from pain. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider for a moment that your brain has some atypical qualities. Said differently, it can be difficult for all of us to be kind and warm with one another, and you have some additional challenges that really do deserve space in our heart. I have a close friend with bipolarism, and she has done and said some cruel and selfish things over the years. She explained how she goes through highs and lows, and has a scorpion tail that jets out and tries to wound people sometimes. This tail really only happened when she was in a deep emotional pain, and she felt an unbearable urge to lash. Much like when we eat far to much food, we have the uncontrollable urge to vomit, there would be an overwhelming urge or push that poked out at loved ones (me).

    Then, as the pressure went away, she would feel ashamed of who she was, how she could be that mean and selfish. This shame would be painful for her, adding just another layer of difficulty for her and her tender heart.

    The solution was that she had to intentionally grow self acceptance. Said differently, much like we have to practice the alphabet to remember the letters (allowing for us to learn to read and so on), sometimes we have to practice self acceptance to feel self love (which allows us to learn how to kindly address problems in a friendship). To grow self acceptance is pretty simple, but takes time and effort.

    First, we offer genuine repentance for the suffering. For instance, the pain-lashing-pain-lashing cycle hurts us and those around us. They feel hurt, unloved, unseen, and we feel hurt unloved, ashamed, unseen. Its mutually painful, and that is enough. Its a result of a lot of conditions, we’re not the “cause” of it. For instance, when you lash out, you’re struggling with a lot of powerful forces. Those are in part genetic, which you didn’t control. They are influenced by your parents, their way of dealing with emotions, their genetics, their parents. Plus, how its received is influenced by another web of your friend’s conditions, her parents, teachers and so forth. So we always have tried to be loving, but have blow outs, painful experiences, dumb choices, or whatever, which is something that almost every human bounces through. But, its also really happening, and we don’t want it to continue… so we vow to undergo the process of healing, and wish it to be done with grace and ease. This is like “seeing it”, “accepting it” and directing our intentions toward healing it, for the good of us all.

    Next, there is remembering, or watering the seed. We don’t just remember that intention when we’re in pain, we keep it growing. For instance, we don’t just meditate when our mind is disturbed, we do it when we are peaceful as well. We don’t just take antacid when we eat in an imbalanced way, we learn to eat healthy. It is the same. We don’t simply repent when we feel ashamed, when we’ve lashed out, or whatever. We hold it like a raft, a tool, an intention… we remember.

    Finally, we give our little seed the space and light it needs to grow. We remain patient with our body and mind, stop being harsh, trust the process. Yes, there will be shame that arises. Yes, we will get shitty with people. Yes, it happens. But we don’t want it to, and our heart is working to let that cycle rest. So its OK to just relax and be happy as we are able. So, we take tame to self nurture, to help our body feel peaceful and warm. My favorite is metta meditation, which is very directly nourishing to the heart. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

    When we do these things… accept who we are, intend to be loving, and patiently let our love grow… the shame naturally settles when we make a mistake, and the cycle erodes. Said differently, instead of beating yourself up, dear sister, for your failings and stumbles, its OK to learn what you can from them and let them go. For instance, you want to be a loving and generous friend, so when you lash out you don’t mean to do it, and so its ok for it to be only a puzzle, only an oops. This “I made them suffer, they made me suffer, I’m terrible, they should die” cyclical painfulness is more than enough of a burden to bear, your bipolarism difficult enough. Don’t be ashamed for having difficulties with emotions and boundaries, we all do, and your challenge is perhaps more chaotic in those regards. Just do your best, dear sister, and know that you and all your patterns are lovable, acceptable, and part of a burden we all share… its not yours alone.

    Namaste, dear sister, I wish you could see just how beautiful you are.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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