I'm at a stand still.

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 10 months ago by Annie P.

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February 6, 2014 at 6:38 am #50429

Kelsey
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I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We were best friends before we started dating. It started out in a whirlwind of crazy happy emotions and we pretty much just fell in love, and jumped into a relationship. We spent so much time together. Same classes, same friends, same everything. I truly believe we both lost sense of who we are as individuals. We eventually moved in. The last months of 2013 were bad for us. He became addicted to video games, and would get very very drunk and become abusive (name calling, pushing, yelling, punching walls), he’d lie to me about everything. I am still with him, but beginning of January I moved 700 km away, for a co-op job position in my home-town. I am so much happier here. I have rediscovered my hobbies, I’m taking care of my self in ways I haven’t in a long time, I have my friends and my family, my dog :).

I am battling with myself, to break-up, or just to stick it out.

From my perspective I see that it is easy for me to think, oh he’s so much better now. But this is because I don’t see him every day, and he doesn’t have the opportunity to exhibit those behaviors around me. He has been depressed, he works at a bar 6 days a week, plays video games and gets drunk, that is his life, he has no one else really. He tells me I’m all he needs to be happy, but he doesn’t know how to make himself happy. I care about him and I love him, and I know what I have to do, but I feel guilty, and mean, and horrible for wanting to break up with him.

I am driving down to visit him this weekend and am emotionally preparing myself for breaking up with him. I am afraid though. I might just do it over the phone.

Any thoughts? I’m so confused , even though I know I shouldn’t be.

February 6, 2014 at 12:12 pm #50456

lmh2515
Participant

It’s always easier to see things and make decisions from the outside … but it sounds like you have had that opportunity moving back to your hometown. I can sympathize with your struggle because it is hard to end something that has been an important part of your life. But perhaps it is time to end that chapter and begin the next? I have a friend who has been through something similar – only her battle was 7 years and there was a marriage involved. She was able to get the courage and to put herself first and she left him. It was hard and scary, but she is a better person for it. From my outside perspective, your post sounds like you know what the right decision is, but you recognize that it is a hard and scary step to take. Personally, I would end things. No one deserves to be in a one-sided, unhappy relationship. And if you truly are frightened by him, then end things in a public place – or just do it over the phone. You sound like a smart girl and I wish you luck.

February 6, 2014 at 2:52 pm #50462

Matt
Participant

Kelsey,

I’m sorry for the rough months, and can understand why some time away has been refreshing. It sounds to me like he is overstressed, and has terrible nurturing skills. Perhaps that was fine when you were there giving and giving, but then perhaps you ran dry too, and it got messy. Video games and drinking often increase stress, because its just avoided instead of settled.

If he wakes up and begins some better nurturing techniques (martial art, meditation, taking a bath, heart to heart platonic friendships) then maybe he could pull out of the spiral. Unfortunately, many guys are raised in a “toughen up” relationship to stress, and we bottle it up and distract ourselves until we burst like overstuffed balloons. His violence makes sense, and is of course a major problem for any intimacy. Said differently, his BS and baggage pushed you away, drained you, and there is no shame in wanting out.

Consider that before we can be caring to others, we have to learn to care for ourselves. He has a lot to learn in that regard, before that “happy guy” you saw during the honeymoon will rekindle. So, if your heart is done and you know its time to say goodbye, consider the loss of your radiance (nurturing, caring, attention etc) may be just the smack on the butt he needs to get growing.

Good luck! Being on the phone is not cowardly, as an aside, because it can be helpful not to be seeing him, especially if there was a lot of passion in the relationship.

With warmth,
Matt

February 6, 2014 at 10:04 pm #50472

Anyone
Participant

I completely agree with lmh2515. Break-up before it gets ugly. Mistakes we girls do by feeling guilty is sending signs of ‘I want to breakup’. Giving these signals makes men crazy. In my case my ex tried to take revenge on me for all the small and big things; when he was at fault he would behave just as you described about your boyfriend’s behavior. Crazy completely and we feel bad for them.

Recently he had been bugging me calling in the middle of night, although after telling him, this is not the right time to talk, he kept calling showing his craziness; not for me but for his own problems that he cannot solve. Coward!

I think you’re smart and going in right direction. Just take some measures when you breakup like have some friends with you hiding somewhere; so that if he comes and does anything bad to you; they will be right there to save you.

All the best!

February 7, 2014 at 1:50 am #50486

eye of the storm
Participant

Kelsey, Nobody can make another person happy. it is like trying to fill a bottomless pit with a plastic spoon. you will work yourself into a grave trying and always failing. There is something wrong when a person is unable to be happy on their own. It is something they need to work on. And if he is saying all he needs is you, then you are not the person that can help him. He will blame you for everything that goes wrong. I rarely ever tell someone to stay or go in a relationship, but this is a red flag you CANNOT ignore. Let him know he needs to find peace within himself and if you two are meant to be, when he gets to a better place, you can revisit dating again. I spent 18+ years trying to make my husband happy, I failed for 18+ years. He came out of our marriage bitter and angry about all his missed opportunities I kept him from all the happiness I stole from him and I came out of it thinking I was worthless. I learned to find peace and take responsibility for my choices and my emotions and, just as importantly, learned to not take responsibility for others choices and emotions. Mine belong to me, theirs belong to them.

Good luck and considering the distance you live and the lack of control he has already shown (pushing you?!?!) do this over the phone and be prepared to block him if he gets out of hand.

February 7, 2014 at 5:18 am #50494

Kelsey
Participant

Thank you so much, all of your posts are very insightful and very helpful, and really helped me get my head straight.
Some times I think breaking up with someone is more difficult than being broken up with.

Thank you again!

February 7, 2014 at 11:50 am #50514

Annie P
Participant

Kelsey,

I think you are right. I think it is harder to be the person that does the breaking up. I just went through the same thing last month. Follow your intuition, and tell him from a kind place, exactly why you are doing it. At least that will give him the opportunity to learn something about himself.

I am sending good thoughts your way – stay strong. I feel your pain.

Warmly,
Annie
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