Dear Cloud:

Your feelings for your friend are current while a relationship with her is only a possibility- maybe, in the future. Maybe not. Neither one of you is interested in a long distance relationship.

And so, it is a good idea if you are open to a possible relationship locally. It is not effective to try to get rid of our feelings, and it is not easy, or even possible, to let go of feelings, not by an act of will, anyway. If you can, place your feelings for your friend on the Potential Relationship Shelf (PRS), and focus on the Here-and-Now Relationship Shelf. Whenever you think of your friend; whenever you focus on the PRS, keep in mind that there is another shelf, the Here-and-Now shelf and give it some thought and attention.

anita

Dear Cloud:

My recommendation is not that you find a “rebound”- that would be unfair for the rebound. No.

Better this: avail yourself for a friendship with a local woman, one available to see you in-person. Share with her your feelings, including about your friend. Keep it friendly and keep it honest. Maybe feelings will develop.( She will have to be willing and able  to have a friendship and open to have it possibly evolve, over time.

anita

Dear Cloud:

I suggested that you start and develop a friendship with a local woman, one geographically close to you and see if and where it develops. I hope this clears your confusion about my last post to you.

I understand that you have strong feelings for your friend in another country and that you are afraid of it being an “unrequited love” situation, a situation you experienced in the past, one that broke your heart.

I hope you feel better soon, and focus on the here-and-now.

anita

Hi Cloud,

I too, have had online relationships with men, some who lived outside the country. I kept telling myself, it would just be friendship, that because we had different cultures, values, that it would not amount to anything. Many men from these countries also have arranged marriages, and many men, just want to get out of that country and move to United States, so I really never knew what their true intentions were.

Then, as time went on, we start talking via messenger and video chatting..they were the first person I saw in the morning, the last before I went to bed. I really had no idea really about these men, maybe they had girlfriends or even a wide and just lonely, many never told me about their family or even posted alot of pictures of their parents on their profile page.

Then the “I love you” started, and I just got so emotionally wrapped up with them. I was so attracted to them, wondered what it would be like to meet them in person, to hold their hand, to go on a date, romance. However, it was just a fairytale on my part. These men in one way or another did not “love” me. They just enjoyed the attention. All it really is is fantasy. My last online “relationship” ended last September, and every day I think about him..but I wonder, if I think about the fantasy of him rather than him. Do you think what you are experiencing might be the same thing? You have never met her? We want what we don’t have, so we yearn for them and in our minds they become this beautiful built up fantasy? Let me know your thoughts if you want, I struggle too, with this.

I recently signed up in this web to find anyone has any similar situation like me. (I heard that keeping any depressed feeling alone could make you way more depressed so…well) Of course my story is not the same as yours. So even I’ve been passed the similar situation like you, I do not want to say I totally understand you, but I can feel the weight of what you have been experienced. But like you, your friend might have been having hard time too for sure. In this big world, there are not so many friends who consider flying over or driving to her or him ‘just to see’ spending their time and money so I can see how much you like that friend and it is sad to hear that you fee like you need to let her go. But to tell you my story a bit, I also liked someone who lives far away and I did cried a lot from the air port to home after sending my friend back and could not eat food for months. Of course I did not tell my friend that ‘your visiting makes me dying’ since I did not want to make him feel bad. But distance? Yeah. Horrible. And he wanted to keep friendship rather than having LDR and did not want me to wait for him, and I knew why he said like that, but I was confused and I realized I am the person who has to cut off. Well, who knows if he just wants to keep me a special friend to boost his ago from time to time or just wants to lay me down as he visits or he really likes me so does not want me to wait for something hard to promise. I really hope the first and second are my case but I really do not know what he was thinking, but I do not want to have a long distance friendship or relationship with someone that who I like waiting days and months because.. it is hard. Because you cannot see her, it does not mean that she does not hurt. I let him not visit me again twice somehow since I knew, I will cry really really a loooooot after sending him back even I really wanted to see him again. So, I just want you to understand that why your friend can not say anything. You guys do not know each other well (since you are online friends) and it is hard to promise the future together and like you said, your fantasy is just yours. Both having ldr or keeping her as a friend are horrible either to you or to her. You know, life looks beautiful from far away, but not really in close. I do not want to say stop the feeling since I know the feeling is not the thing you can cut off easily. It can take months or years, but nobody push you to do right now so try to cut off all the things related to her and let her go slowly. I actually delete my friend’s number so even I want to text him so badly, I can’t. lol. Hope you will be fine someday.