Hi Tyler,

“But there is this feeling that keeps coming back “the longer i wait, farther away she gets”. Sorry, does anything make sense?”
Yes it makes perfectly sense, you fear that the feelings she still have for you may fade. However, that’s exactly the direction she said she wanted to follow. That is what you have to respect, the fact that she is free to move away or get closer. Anyway, even if you were still together, she could start moving farther away (in a sense that is what happened in your relationship). So these are things you should think about when you are actually in a relationship, not when you are out of it. However, you should not worry about that: you either respect your partner for her capacity to make choice independent of your own and are proud she chose you or you do not like that and you should find someone who is better suited for you and follows your decisions. Anyway, when a person starts to move away, you should question whether you want to follow her or it is better to part. It is not a good thing to stay in the same place if you are not both happy, it is not good only one of you is happy, don’t you think?

“Well, it is i guess….. but if i am missing her like this, despite all the good things in my life…..so could she?”
Yes of course she is missing you as much as you are missing her. But she decided to move on, because she realizes that your personalities do not fit very well together. You said you changed, but you are giving signs that you did not change like your first question I answered up above. Really, it is just natural to suspect your change is temporary and due only to the feelings of the moment. That’s why it is may be good thing to move and think about what you really want in life and maybe make changes to all the aspects of you life. Change requires time, you do not have to change your actions only but also your thoughts. If you do something just to keep her close it is not going to work, you should do something because you believe it is right. Why do you think your change is a good thing?

“I should give up, right? When things are done, they are done, correct? There is never another chance when a relationship trully breaks, right?”
You should give up the old relationship. The rules, the habits, the ways you talked to each other did not work. However, there is always the chance for a new relationship. She said she did not feel comfortable with you the way you were. Once your change is complete, she may notice it and be back. Then you will start a new relationship, with new rules, new habits and new ways.

“What i don’t think is possible, is for someone, despite being happy, to forget all the feeling and love for the guy they loved, the most special guy of their lives. Or does that happen too?”
She did not forget you. She is just seeing the past under a different light. Now she knows you better. She recall her feelings as they were, but she wonders whether it was OK for her to feel them in the first place. After all something she thought good and pleasant lead her to unpleasant fight. She may like to experience those feelings again, but she is scared of the consequences. So she tries the best she can to keep everything under control. Change within and maybe you will show her that she can trust you again. But, do you really want to change or is it better to find someone you don’t risk to hurt inadvertently?

Hi Tyler,

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“God, why is this so hard ?!”
You answered your question yourself. You let the thoughts of her penetrate every part of your life. You really wanted that it would last forever. You started thinking about her even before meeting her. That was written in your DNA. It was rooted in the memory of your parents who seemed to care so much one for the other or in the memory of other stable couples you saw since you were a kid. You wanted something like that and you did your best to make it true by following the example others set. When she appeared in your life she fit into that place: the only one you should ever care for. Now that place has her picture and her name printed on it. You’ve been always thinking about that empty part of you, and you will keep thinking about it, that’s only natural to read her name and think about her. You also hoped she would have a similar place in her heart and you could fit that place. Of course you fear someone else may take it. You clearly understand you did not fit into her heart and she did not feel comfortable into yours, but it is hard to remove those pictures and names nonetheless. Your mind cannot let that place go unnamed, now. Let the sand of time blur away those images, if you really cannot force yourself to replace them just yet. I think (maybe erroneously) that in order to dismantle something, one needs as many days as he took to built it in the first place.

I completely understand it would have been a lot happier if you both could go through life together and that your dream became true. Isn’t there a chance you missed something along the way? When you started crafting that place for her in your mind, you were seeing mature couples who had already chosen themselves for life. Did you ever stop to think how they chose themselves? Did you ever ask them about their experience? Consider that those were different times where men and women had less to learn and could soon make plans and move to adulthood quite sooner. In a sense it was easier to find like-minded people, because, due to the short time one had and the examples other people set, it was rare to remain boyfriend-girlfriend too long and people would soon get married. Now people know there is much more to learn about one’s partner, that there is much more to learn about the world, that there are so many goals one may try to reach and, hence, that maturity (knowing what one wants) may arrive at later age. So, when one starts a relationship, they think it is a sort of experiment or, if they do not have a clear idea about it, someone teaches them to think it as an experiment. Since you know what you want, you are more mature than others, so either you look for someone as mature as you are (and she may be hard to find) or you accept the experiment and you enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts. Please, consider you past relationship as an experiment that led you to find out you were not compatible. I know it was not an experiment for you, but you never considered it may be one. Can’t you think at all it was actually one?

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“God, why is this so hard ?!”
I have a feeling that if God existed and wanted to reply he would say something of like this: “I made it so difficult on purpose, to make the bound between man and woman so strong, that in their union they will respect and love each other and will celebrate my will and the sanctity of life. That is why I always say you should marry first, so that when your mind and your future plans are all set, you can let your feelings unite you more deeply forever and none will have to deal with a missing link later. Only than your union will become a holy experience of life, the memories of it will keep your bound strong, you will celebrate my will and become a paragon of love, loyalty and life”. If you could go back in time, would you follow such an advice and wait who knows how much for a girl as mature as you or would rather experiment?

Well, I know this all look so logical and cold. I just hope you can find a bright side in your experience so that the empty hole she left won’t look so black and empty.

Hi Tyler,

No, your thoughts are not sick at all. Every parts of you need time to follow the main decision you rationality took. I understand you miss her more than ever. However, I do not think that stopping your thoughts will work. You have to change them and morph them into a less painful reality. It is true she is not there in your moment of need, but it is also true that her presence won’t solve the problem, it would just ease the pain. Aren’t there other things you may do to ease the pain? You may go to the gym and work out (that makes your energy flowing and mood improve). Didn’t you have a hobby at all before? I suppose it may not feel as pleasant as before, nonetheless, why don’t you give it a try? Can’t you try to help your sister with the plans to welcome the newborn?

When you think about your ex-girlfriend, maybe it may help to think she is still with you somehow. That past you lived together is yours, it is a gem encased in your heart. Maybe if you concentrate enough, you can still see her smiling next to you, encouraging you to face the life’s challenges and also wishing you a happy future and a new successful relationship. She is there, she may be a ghost, but you may kiss her if you want. But please keep in mind that is the ghost of the past, and is different from the person in the present. Maybe, slowly you will realize it is better a true person than a ghost and you will slowly let her go completely. Please, try to imagine your future, your career and your new relationship and try to talk to the ghost about your plans. Tell her about your present problems and show her how you would be strong to overcome these challenges. For now the ghost will be proud of you, but one day a true person will.

I’m sad to hear that your father has been diagnosed with Parkinson. I suppose you’ll become the head of the family. Why don’t you spend as much time as possible with your father, listening to his memories, his life path and maybe those secret about managing a family he never told you before? I understand it may be stressful in this time, but by helping your family I’m sure you’ll make the ghost proud of you and you’ll be more ready for your next girlfriend and future wife.

Don’t try to rush through the grieving process, dear friend. Right now, reading more articles and so forth on surviving break ups will not help. If you must, ask her out again. Sometimes we have to put our hand in the fire to let the burn remind us why we don’t do that.

Hang in there. It gets better, I promise.

Yes, precisely so. Besides which, the pain of the “what if?” and the yearning can be greater than the pain of rejection. And no, don’t stop talking. Get it out there.