Dear Trevor:

You wrote: “…mom seems to be annoyed at dad a lot and sort of criticizes him a lot, and I see a lot of married people are kind of just sort of like friends and not romantic partners in some ways.”

I assume you love your dad, isn’t it so? When you observe your mother criticizing him, don’t you feel a bit angry at mom, or sad that your father gets criticized?

I am asking this not needing you to answer (unless you are motivated to answer) but to point to you that your experience of relationships is very much affected by the relationship between your parents that you are a witness of.

Maybe the message behind your lack of attraction to older women who you perceive as jaded, uninterested, maybe the valid message is that you don’t want a relationship like the one your parents have (and other people you witness). You want a loving, respectful relationship where both parties help and encourage each other, not harm and discourage each other.

Maybe that is the valid message. If so, you can have such a relationship with the right woman regardless of her age and outer appearance. You meet someone and get to know her: is she critical or accepting of you? Encouraging or discouraging. And you proceed accordingly.

Regarding your question on Buddhism, I am not a Buddhist although I care a lot for certain major Buddhist principles (which are incorporated into modern psychotherapy). I think being okay with your own emptiness means being okay when you don’t feel happy, being okay with being bored, dissatisfied, accepting your feelings as they are without trying to change them. No rushing to fill in the emptiness: to feed the desire for (extra) food, to … fill in the evening with another party…etc.

anita