I’m still in love with my ex. The thing is, we both still love one another. We talked before I went away on a holiday to get myself together after he broke up with me and I found out he had used quite a bit of cocaine and poppers before our relationship and twice during our relationship, after which I punched him in the face because I was drunk and high on weed. I know…I’m a hypocrite (I don’t like to use much anymore).. Anyway, we talked before I left and we both still very much love each other and care a big deal about each other and we have quite a large pool of things in common.
The thing is, I’m still madly in love with him, because he never treated me wrong, he was always loving and caring, he never judged me really, even when I had a mental breakdown in his bed one night.
However I’m so scared to love him. I kind of want to be with him again, because he deserves all the love in the world and he deserves to be happy, he made me happy too. I’m so afraid he will use more drugs and become addicted though and that he would replace me with drugs. He also regularly smokes weed with his friends like once or twice every week, which I don’t mind too badly. He really is a guy who spends a lot of time with his friends, they gave him comfort when he was so lost in college, afraid to come out as gay. He really finds comfort in being around people, because he has general anxiety disorder and finds it hard to be alone.
Anyway, he really is a good guy and he’s smart too, he is very caring of everyone and the world and he used to love me so well, but I was very judgmental, possessive and scared mostly really. I thought he wouldn’t be the kind of guy to use drugs and he was just so sweet all the time, even though I didn’t like it when he spent a lot of time with me drunk or high because he would ignore me, afraid he wouldn’t please everyone at a party. He couldn’t handle me always being judging of him, it nagged on him even after I thought I stopped judging his weed habits and got comfortable with him using once in a while, because I trusted him that he was smart. He really is smart, he saw his brother almost die in a coma because of heroin and painkiller addiction, so he knows when to stop, he says. I’m just afraid if he were to keep using drugs regularly, they would get to him before he knows when to stop.
I know I should just let him be and work on my own happiness and give him all the love I have for him without wanting him to change and expecting anything from him, because that’s what real love is, but something just keeps nagging me. I just want him to be the best he can be, but I don’t want to be controlling over him. I know I can’t control anyone but myself and if I give my love to him as big and as wide as I can without expecting ANYTHING back, both of us will receive happiness. I think the fear is just so big in me, it’s preventing me from loving to the fullest and making both of us better people!
I hope someone can help this confused, madly-loving guy. It’s eating me alive, because I know I stopped being judgmental of anyone’s looks/decisions and I don’t want to be possessive and controlling ever again, but something is just not right in me to love him to the fullest!