Every day is suffering. Every smiling couple who I see is a slap to my face. What do these people have that I don’t?

Even these monsters who you claim don’t attract love have someone in their life who, either initially saw something worthwhile or continues to see value in them. Despite how cruel and petty they are someone accepts their invitation to stand beside them in their life.

I reject that the world is overtly cruel and wretched. I see numerous happy couples. Love is not rare, but it is certainly thrown around as if there were no value to it. Realistically speaking love is not a finite resource. There is no risk of the world running out of love. People take risks, they build connections, they blindly attach themselves to others based on superficial characteristics, they latch on to deeper spiritual connections and see past a person’s outer shell. The word is not this grey and dreary world devoid of love. It is plentiful. Knowing this is infuriating, however. Knowing this it is clear to me that the lack of love in my life is either abnormal or a perfectly reasonable situation for someone such as myself to find themselves in. Frankly, I don’t know what reality frightens me more, the one where I have exactly as much love as I deserve (none) or the one where my better qualities play absolutely no role in weather or not someone decides to love me.

I just want to know why I’m alone. What about me excludes me from being loved? Why is it SO OBVIOUS to EVERYONE I’m not worth being loved?

My father cared about be immensely. I felt like he was the only person who loved me unconditionally. I watched him slow wither away from cancer. I was the only one who was beside him when he breathed his last breath. When he passed my brother went home to his wife. My sister when home to her fiance. My mother went home to her house. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I was left alone. Like always. I had no one and one one offered to stay.

The gasp my father let lose after passing was like a funeral bell that not only signified the end of his life by the end of my own joy. Finally I was truly alone. Attempts to reach out to my family failed repeatedly. When ignoring me was no longer enough they sent me away to be treated once again, because they could not be bothered to be there for me and show me empathy or compassion themselves. That’s how they deal with my pain. That’s always how they’ve dealt with my pain. Whatever desires I have or deficiencies in my life I want to resolves are irrelevant to them. To them, all of my problems are in my head and need to be “cured”. The problem isn’t that I’m alone it’s that I care that I’m alone or place too much value on companionship. The problem isn’t that my life lacks fulfillment but rather it’s that I FEEL unfulfilled and the salutation isn’t to find fulfillment but to cure myself of the notion that I need or deserve fulfillment. My problems are never real problems with real solutions to them because early in my life they earned with a word, with a call they can send me away and trivialize me suffering.

But not my father. He would listen to my concerns. He would give me advice and encourage me to never give up but would accept me even when I felt like I wanted to. He was always against the perpetual inpatient treatment I had forced upon me. Neither he nor my mother ever said so but I know it contributed to their divorce. When I would speak to my father about of my history of treatment it was not uncommon for the subject to somehow gravitate towards my parent’s divorce. He loved me very dearly and he accepted me. I no longer have that in my life.

I don’t expect my family to change. I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. I wash my hands clean of them. They are who they are and if they were capable of changing they would have done so by now. I accept that. All I ever needed in my life was a single person who loves me unconditionally. Who loves me for who I am and who sees the good in me. I want to make that happen. I need to. I need someone to love. I need that purpose. I took care of my father to his dying breath and he took care of me. I want to be loved again. I want to have a family. I don’t want to grow old and die alone.

I have a deep and real need to be loved and I want to know how to make someone else love me. I want to know how to make them see whatever value I have in side of me. I know SOMETHING of value must reside inside of me. But that spark isn’t good enough for anyone. My I’m not good enough for anyone. I want to be good enough to be loved by someone else. I want to be good enough for another human being to spend a portion of their life with me. Anyone can do it, and indeed I’ve seen this for myself. People keep saying I deserve love. Words are meaningless, especially when there is no evidence to support it. If I deserve love why can’t I be loved? Why can Billy Bob Beater keep finding someone to marry after his next divorce but I can’t find a single human being who will even give me a chance? If I truly deserve to be loved then why aren’t I? However you word it or twist the semantics of it I want to know: “How do I make someone to love me?” “How do I find someone who will fall in love with me?” WHATEVER pointless semantics I need to sue when phrasing my question where the end result is that another human being allows me to love them and loves me in kind. That’s all I care about.

(not sure of posts are going though so I’m trying again)

Anita,

You said:

“By effectively communicating to a woman that there is something about you that will benefit her, that will make her feel good; that there is some significant advantage for her if she gets into a relationship with you. “

So what you’re saying is I don’t deserve love. I’m fairly certain I have nothing to offer that can’t be found in anyone else with they added benefit of not being me. It’s not for a lack of trying, mind you, but it I simply can’t fathom that I have anything to offer someone else. I mean even people who beat their wives are clearly strong and powerful predators who can protect their herd from outside threats. What do I have to offer? Love? Compassion? My personality? All worthless! None of that matters because if it did someone would have picked up on it. Someone would have valued it.

I understand now. It’s really quite clear when you thing about it. I ave this CRAZY notion that love means something when in reality it’s really quite meaningless. Don’t seek relationships because they value love, no, they do so because they want to be part of a mutually equitable business arrangement with another human being. If you have nothing of value to offer someone then YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.

Am I understanding you correctly? You see on top of having very severe depression and anxiety I also suffer from Aspberger’s Syndrome. The latter of the 3 alone means I have difficulties EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATING with people. But the former two quirks of mine basically ensure that what little social skills I do have at communicating with people (effectively) are twisted and distorted. So let me try to summarize my understanding of what you are saying, and please don’t take offense to this because I am honest to goodness try my very best to understand what you are saying and unravel the ramifications and meaning of what it entails.

“Because I have a defective brain and had an upbringing that only exacerbated and my problems and because I lack the ability to effectively communicate to people why I am worthy of love I am undeserving of love.”

Or, to further summarize: “Basically every, last existential horror and insecurity I have about myself and about life is 100% correct.”

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by John.

I’m sorry but I’m not satisfied with these answers. I’ve learned nothing that I already didn’t know and I need answers because nothing makes sense to me.

How do I effectively communicate with people? I’m ecstatic you feel I have those skills but I don’t. Certainly not face to face. What do I tell people to make them see I’m worthy? What about me even is worthwhile? I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for nearly 25 years! I’ve been in therapy since I was 5! I’m not getting cured anytime soon. How do I make someone feel like being around me would be an enjoyably experience?

How do I make up for my obviously ill-functioning mind which isn’t defective even though it lacks the basic functions of nearly 95% of the human population? How do I communicate all of this to people? Do I hide the fact that I’m perpetually in pain and suffering because I’m alone? Do I wait another 30 years and hope I’m cured by then? Then another 30 after that? What if I actually DON’T have anything to offer another human being? For that matter, when someone says “something to offer” what do they even mean? What are you offering? What does one offer? A steady job? I have one. No one cares. Be pleasant to be around? When I’m not in the middle of one of my 3 day long panic attacks I’m told my company is quire enjoyable. Doesn’t do me any good. Emotional stability? Yeah, this’ll likely never be something I’m capable of offering another human being so if this is the lynch pin of the equation I’m basically alone forever.

See the quandary you propose, weather you realize it or not (and I’m sure you do not) is that the requirements you claim another human being has to love someone are outside of my reach. However you claim I have these qualities (even I want to believe I have these qualities). So if I have the tools and qualities needed to attract someone why am I still alone and why won’t anyone give me a chance? Do I not meet the requirements to be loved? You said everyone deserves to be loved but then you said if I have nothing of value to offer no one will want to be with me. Well I wouldn’t be with someone if I didn’t love them so what I hear is “No one will live you because you lack these qualities”. Maybe that’s not what you meant to say but it’s what I’ve heard. It’s what I keep hearing. I hear it from everyone. Constantly.

When you break all the advice down to it’s smallest minutia the message being conveyed is “No one will love you because you do not have the qualities other people value”. That’s what I hear. And they disguise it. Like, they can’t just look me in the eye and say “John, listen. No one will ever love you. You’re worthless and have nothing to offer. You don’t deserve love.” At least I would respect their honesty. If that was the answer I got from the very beginning I would’ve given up a long, long time ago. Instead they bury the truth behind empty platitudes. Something like “If a person doesn’t feel the promise of some good feeling about being with you, the person will not be motivated to be with you.” which basically translates to “people don’t like being around you, that’s why you’re alone” which translates to “The person you are is unlovable”.

At this point in the game I should’ve had some luck. I should’ve gone on a date or two, been dumped and been able to try again. But, no. It’s that obvious, so utterly and GLARINGLY obvious to everyone how utterly unlovable and worthless I am. I need to know how to make people think I’m not a worthless and unlovable waste of flesh. To me it makes perfect sense: I have nothing of value to offer ergo I’m alone. I’m not a bad person, I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I hurt every single day and nothing makes it stop.

I’m scared and I’m alone and no one seems to be able to offer me the advice I need. This isn’t some faulty wiring in my head I have a real and honest deficiency in my life that I can not resolve. I need a salutation to my problem, not empty platitudes. No one wants to tell me what I need to do, step by step, to make another person see my worth and fall in love with me. So if you won’t or can’t offer me that hope that’s fine. It’s nothing new, either. No one really wants to help me. Everyone seems content knowing I’m alone. It seems to be the way it’s meant to be. No one will give me a chance and no one wants to offer me any advice. I’m meant to be alone and I’m meant to be unloved and the sooner I accept that fact I can learn to lie to myself about how happy I am.