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In pain

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  • #348494
    Eve
    Participant

    I broke up with a man I dated for >10 years. Breaking up was the right thing, but I am in so much pain.  I don’t want to live anymore but I won’t actually hurt myself bc my kids need me.  Life has become so hard. I have a few chronic illnesses. I could fight my way thru them with a loving companion but I have no one. Work takes my time and energy. So do my dear sweet kids. There’s nothing left for me. No one who looks after me. My parents are dead. It’s just me. With lots of bills to pay and kids who need me.

    He said he loved me. Would marry me. Year after year went by. I should mention he’s married. My lack of morals brought all this misery on myself. Maybe I deserve it.

    I’m so deeply lonely. I hate my shrink. There’s no way to find a new one right now with everything locked down.

    I can’t remember the time I felt happy. Every day is drudgery and pain.

    I’m glad I could type this here bc I couldn’t speak these things out loud.

    I’m so very tired of suffering. He took all these years from me. I was so stupid to bieve him. I want him to hurt but I honestly don’t have the energy.

    Ty for listening.

    #348508
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eve:

    “It’s just me. With lots of bills to pay and kids who need me.”- what an original way to say it, straightforward, simple, nothing that is difficult to understand.

    Will you tell me more about this man, over ten years.. what happened?

    I don’t know if you want to share, if you feel like it- if you don’t feel like it, don’t share. If you do feel like it, I will read what you share very carefully. I am curious, and want to know more.

    anita

    #348512
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eve:

    “I want him to hurt but I honestly don’t have the energy”- I figure you probably don’t have the energy to tell  more of your story here. And so, I was thinking what is it that I can write to you with so little of your story: you have kids, no living parents, a few chronic illnesses, a job, a shrink you hate, and lots of  bills to pay. You were in a relationship with a married man for over ten years. He said he loved you and that he will (divorce her and) marry you, but he didn’t, and you broke up with him.

    This is how you feel: “I am in so much pain. I don’t want to live anymore.. No one who looks after me.. It’s just me. With lots of bills to pay and kids who need me… Maybe I deserve it.. I’m so deeply lonely… Every day is drudgery and pain… I’m so very tired of suffering.. I was so stupid.. don’t have the energy”-

    – you need a vacation by yourself, to a beautiful resort, your favorite spot: by the ocean on a tropical island, if that’s what you prefer, or the woods, staying in a nice little cabin in the woods, drinking red wine or your favorite other drink, with nothing to worry about (someone responsible is taking care of your kids and they are doing well, your bills are paid for months in advance).

    I know, there is a pandemic going on, and there is no one to take care of your kids, but you can imagine, play it in your mind, see the scenery, hear the sounds.. As a matter of fact, I am feeling better imagining all that I wrote to you here. We can use our brains sometimes for good purposes, so to feel better.

    I do hope you feel better soon. And please do post here anytime, to vent, to express yourself. I’ll be glad to read from you anytime.

    anita

     

     

    #348572
    CB
    Participant

    Don’t ever feel alone this is a great forum no one likes rejection of hurts I’ve recently been through breakup after 27″ years honestly harder ever been through.  But you will be ok as I will

    #348610
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Eve,

    The Dalai Lama teaches that the ultimate source of happiness is our mental attitude. I’m not a Buddist and I know very little about the Dalai Lama but what he’s saying makes sense to me. I realize that given your sadness and disappointment it’s pretty much impossible to have any other attitude than the one you currently have but maybe the change starts with self-forgiveness. You’re judging yourself as a bad person who deserves her suffering but I don’t see you that way. Millions of women find themselves in relationships with unhappily married men who intend to leave their wives but never do for all kinds of reasons including financial. Your situation isn’t unique. For 10 years you stuck by this man, believed him, loved him, but you’ve ultimately come to the painful decision to cut your losses, to step out of a situation that is no longer working for you. Yay, Eve! Bravo to you! You’re now back on track and worthy of happiness. Even people who make mistakes are worthy of peace, joy, and love because guess what: everyone makes mistakes.

    It all begins with believing that you are worthy of a life free of all this damn suffering. The past is gone. Let it go. Your sweet kids who love you very much have their awesome mom back — today is a great day!

    B

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