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In shock – Literally

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  • #150247
    kennisha
    Participant

    I’m a 22 year old woman with a boyfriend of 1 year and I’m diagnosed with Severe Dperession (with suicidal tendencies), PTSD, and Anxiety. I was sexually abused for 6 years of my life, bullied for many, and am now getting the help I desire. This is just a brief summary of of what’s going on with me but here’s my situation:

    Im dating my best friend and I love him. We were best friends for a year before we got together and I feel like it only made our relationship stronger but now I’m not so sure… My boyfriend just had an event happen in his life where he feels like he needs time away from people. He still wants to be with me and visa versa but he won’t come around as often and he needs to face his demons as he put. This isn’t the first time this has happened. He tends to withdraw every time something happens and I give him his space but today just doesn’t feel the same. As of lately, we’ve been in a really good place but my eyes have been wandering and I have yet to tell him. I know the men that want to pursue me aren’t all that great but I’m really curious… I have so much life to live and I don’t want to wonder what if for the rest of it but at the same time, it’s just not worth my time.

    Im confused. My boyfriend wants a break and I want one too but I’m willing to explore. The worst part about it was when he decided he wanted to take a break, I felt like my whole foundation crumbled beneath me. It made me realize I have a lot of growing up to do and I actually have to deal with myself. I have many hobbies but do none of them because I feel no spark. I kinda feel like the only spark I have left is writing (and even that has stopped) and loving others more than myself.

    My dilemma is: Altbough I know I have a self outside of my relationship, I feel completely and utterly disconnected from it. I’m not happy with myself. I’ve become very narcissistic and moody…I just feel like I can’t win!

    My boyfriend is the sweetest but he’s not perfect. He can be an ass sometimes and project his insecurities on me. I have so much tolerance for others it’s ridiculous and that’s what really scares me. How much crap have I been putting up with for the past few years? How much of it have I been dealing with on his end or even on my end. My sisters tell me all the time that I deal with TOO much foolishness from him but it’s like I’m just now seeing it and I don’t want it to be that way forever… But I still have the urge to explore and enjoy being 22 yet I’m not sure what others will have to offer me.

     

    I feel like I have all my priorities mixed up and it’s messing with me. I don’t know the core question that I’m trying to ask unfortunately. I just want to know what to do. I don’t know how to work through this stress. How do I build a sold foundation of my own without a man?

    What do I have to offer myself?

    Have I been living a lie for so long that I’ve been trying to believe it? The lie being, I’m okay, I have a boyfriend now. Who am I?

     

     

    I’m sorry for bombarding everyone with these stressful questions. I have to be here so I must make the best out of it… but I’d really like to hear feedback on this. I just want to be okay, that’s literally ALL I’ve ever wanted in life and I have yet to reach it. Please help. (Pardon the typos if any)

     

    • This topic was modified 7 years ago by kennisha.
    #150276
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kennisha:

    You brought up multiple issues: severe depression, PTSD, anxiety and the help you are getting for these things, a boyfriend who is currently withdrawn from you, a desire you have to explore potential relationships with other men, loving others more than yourself, being disconnected from a sense of yourself outside your current relationship.

    You asked a few questions (which I am not able to suggest any answer at this point). Following the questions you stated that all you ever wanted was to be okay.

    I have a couple of questions for you that I hope you are able to answer (maybe following I will have a suggestion regarding your questions):

    What did you mean by “loving others more than myself” and by “I’ve become very narcissistic”?

    anita

     

    #150286
    kennisha
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What I meant by loving others more than myself is that I tend to put others before me. I don’t practice self love and self care because I find it hard to believe there’s any worth there at all. The little worth that I have found, I put mostly into my looks and attitude which is why I say I’ve become narcissistic. It wasn’t my intention to become vain but I wanted to feel good about myself and I guess I overdid it. It’s not fun, I’m constantly reminding myself that not everything is about me but sometimes I slip up.

    #150290
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kennisha:

    You wrote that you invest in your looks and find some worth in it, in your looks, as well as in your attitude, but not otherwise.

    You asked:

    “What do I have to offer myself?”- empathy for yourself.

    Place yourself before others and then see to it that your interactions with others are of the Win-Win type.

    I didn’t understand the title of your thread: “In shock- Literally”- if it is about your boyfriend withdrawing from you, he has withdrawn before, as a pattern, I understand. What is the shock about?

    anita

    #150292
    kennisha
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I titled the thread “In shock – literally” because at the moment I did go into shock. My boyfriend withdrawing does happen often but I sat down and spoke with my sisters on the issue and they opened my eyes to some things. I enable his disrespectful  behavior because I’m so tolerant and I also didn’t question him withdrawing since I wanted a break for quite some time… It had me thinking about the boundaries I don’t have in my current relationship and for myself and that’s when I realized that I’d built an identity out of my relationship. Without him I am still someone, I’m just very disconnected to her. I was shocked at how far I’d thought I’d come in my journey just to find out I was “growing” on all the wrong pretenses. I tried to find my worth in a man, I tried to find confidence in appearances alone, I tried to basically create a foundation for my life that had nothing to do with me. I was extremely upset with myself, so much so I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never felt this unbalanced before and I’m not sure how to bounce back.

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