Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Indifference to life
- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by
Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
March 26, 2016 at 5:29 am #100107
SaxsiaParticipantSomething occurred to me this morning while waiting for the bus.
I’ve been feeling fairly depressed lately- which expresses itself as a feeble will to live and withdrawal from all the rich experiences of life. One thing that upsets me most is this attribute in me that feels like poor “grit”- the ability to face through all the inconviniences of life, big and small. I give up and give in way too quickly. I hate this.
And then I was thinking back, way back to about 3 years ago when I suffered my first and only suicide attempt. It was a car crash that put me in the hospital for quite a while. It’s almost as if, ever since those few seconds before impact where I was completely content with ending everything, I’ve constantly lived with a devalued worth of life. Life has changed for me since facing death. I wish I could say, I suddenly saw all the reasons I have to live and blah blah blah, but in reality coming that close has done nothing to improve things. I’m not a fighter (and god do I wish I could be as strong as some of the people in my life) because, to this logic, why should I be when nothing matters in the end? I suppose we are responsible for giving things importance. The near death experience has rot a lot of the passion I had for life. Sometimes I benefit from this apathy… Last week I went on a big mountaineering trip and trekked across very steep, sheer-drop ridges, and instead of being afraid I was able to be at peace with the thought of falling (not in a death wish sort of way, more like I’m going to focus on my steps and not worry about what’s out of my control).
A few tragedies I’ve experienced have also planted this feeling of lack of control over my life and maybe also led to me not totally investing in life, as a coping strategy…
Well anyways- the point is I resent my indifference to life and my lack of determination to fight through it. I want to be a fighter and I’m not sure where to start. I’d like to feel in control, and trust in myself even when everything around me changes- not to wash away with whatever is going on. A lot of the time I tell myself I need a wake-up call, but I think that sort of stuff isn’t exactly practical. What would really be beneficial is cultivating continual self-awareness, and practicing daily meditation.
Any thoughts on building strength, mental fortitude, self-discipline? Have any of you had somewhat similar experiences? Where are you at now?
March 26, 2016 at 5:45 am #100109
InkyParticipantHi Saxsia,
What helped me ~ tremendously ~ was taking a Krav Maga class. But any boxing, fighting or self defense class will do. It brings out, stokes and grows whatever fire and aggression you have within you. The will to fight. The will to live. Truly live. Pick a local class, but also one that’s a little more hard-core.
And of course, see a doctor if you haven’t yet this year.
Good Luck!
Inky
March 26, 2016 at 6:54 am #100112
AnonymousGuestDear Saxsia:
You wrote above: “I’m not a fighter… because, to this logic, why should I be when nothing matters in the end?”
I’ll come back to the quote above.
Four years ago one of your parents died suddenly. Shortly after you developed anorexia and binge eating (Is that correct or did you experience disordered eating before that death?). Three years ago you attempted suicide.
When you wrote “nothing matters in the end”- what do you mean? Please elaborate on this.
anita
March 26, 2016 at 7:18 am #100119SaxsiaParticipantThanks for the suggestion- sports in general are great. I’m a runner and love the feeling of pushing myself (so empowering!) and recently am getting into climbing and mountaineering which is wonderful when you are able to conquer that ingrained fear of heights. Adrenaline works wonders!
That’s the history. The suicide attempt happened shortly after my mom’s death. It was an extremely confusing and traumatic time. I was very out of touch with myself and my emotions, and ever since her passing I’ve felt a profound sense of loneliness and lack of support. For two years I suffered over the loss but now I’m more at peace with it, or at least it doesn’t affect my everyday life.
I was pretty happy and functional before everything happened, not without some distraught but that’s mostly true for anyone.I guess what I’m saying is that, by actually attempting to kill myself once I completely disrepected everyone and everything I once loved in life. My actions screamed, even the things I love I don’t care enough to live for. Most people, I’d say, are born with a fear of death and a will to live that is motivating them to go get things in life. I feel like that’s been desensitized and I’m not as appreciative of the precious life within me as I should be- so I’m trying to practice gratitude.
I’m sort of scared sometimes by how callous I was when I made the attempt, it’s like this shadow inside I wish I could be rid of. I have a different perception of death than many people, and I wish it weren’t the case.
March 26, 2016 at 7:57 am #100126AnonymousGuestDear Saxsia:
You wrote that “Most people, I’d say, are born with a fear of death and a will to live that is motivating them to go get things in life.” This may be so, but all people are born with a fear of pain and a will to escape pain any which way.
Your suicide attempt, wasn’t the aim of it to escape pain… any which way?
And your lack of reluctance to die presently, isn’t that keeping a door open to that kind of escape from pain?
anita
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 