September 16, 2021 at 8:31 am #386363
I’m a male, 26, and I’m currently dealing with a lot of negative thoughts and self-loathing about my height – recently I’ve been always wanting to be taller and feeling inferior to others. I find myself comparing myself on the internet a lot, researching other celebrities height around my height and trying to get motivation but I still find myself feeling inferior and unattractive a lot. I’ve heard of studies of shorter men having more dating struggles, work struggles and just a general sense of unattractiveness. It does not make me feel good.
It’s weird because I never had these thoughts occur as much throughout high school/uni and it’s only started to get really bad as of late – perhaps it is because I’m spending more time on the internet comparing myself, but I find I’m really struggling to have a healthy identity of myself and all my mind can think about is this one aspect of me which I don’t like/wish I could change.
I wish I could stop thinking about these thoughts and live my normal life without the need to compare myself to others all the time when I past them (or even inanimate objects like fences, seeing if I am taller than a fence etc. to get a better gauge of how I look from 3rd person view) – I feel so damn vain and I hate it, but I have no idea how to stop/manage these thoughts which are beginning to consume and impact my daily life. Sometimes I wish my parents were taller but I know that is a very ungrateful attitude as they are really good parents and I find myself feeling guilty when thinking this.
Has anyone else felt this sort of negative self-loathing about their height or any other physical characteristics which are beyond our control? I hate that I care about this so much.. I really do. How can I start to love myself unconditionally and stop placing so much value on this physical characteristic which I perceive as unattractive/undesirable? It is eating me alive.
– ShoobSeptember 16, 2021 at 9:21 am #386372
“I wish I could stop thinking about these thoughts”– is your current obsession with the topic of your height- your first obsession, or were you obsessed in the past with other topics, such as.. your health, someone else’s health, being rejected by people, etc.?
anitaSeptember 16, 2021 at 1:57 pm #386380
Thank you for the response and I believe it’s my first true obsession, but previously it’s been my nature to identify lacking traits in myself and work hard at ‘fixing’/improving them (e.g. studies, sports, getting better at hobbies) – but I’m struggling to deal with this ‘lacking’ trait as it seems there is nothing I can do – I just feel less masculine/deserving of respect and love because of this trait and I don’t know how to get rid of it or stop believing it… literally looking up to people all the time is difficult for my mental as it feels like I am lesser than them in that moment.
ShoobSeptember 16, 2021 at 2:14 pm #386381
You are welcome.
“I just feel less.. deserving of respect and love.. like I am lesser“- if you went back in time, as far back as you can.. to the time before you went to school (before working hard at “fixing/ improving.. studies, sports.. h0bbies”)- what was it that made you feel less-than, and undeserving of respect and love?
anitaSeptember 16, 2021 at 3:45 pm #386382
I’m not too sure if there is a specific moment before I went to school, but there were times when I experienced racism as a young child from other children and really started to hate being asian. I really wanted to fit in the Western society I was in and I longed to be white though I have overcome that now and am proud to be asian.
And while this feeling of not being enough height started a bit in high school, it’s really started to consume me again now in my current adult working life. Perhaps recently I have been going on the internet too much and watching videos of all these ‘height matters’ videos and learning of too many studies essentially saying being a shorter male is an overall negative thing making me feel bad about myself.
Have you ever experienced some similar things anita about aspects of yourself you couldn’t change that you didnt’ like?September 16, 2021 at 3:50 pm #386383
I would like to return to your thread and answer at length when I am more focused. It could be as long as in 14 hours from now.
anitaSeptember 17, 2021 at 8:10 am #386398
“I’ve heard of studies of shorter men having more dating struggles, work struggles and just a general sense of unattractiveness“-
– For such studies to be scientifically accurate and reliable, there needs to be .. let’s say 100 men of different heights (some short, others tall) who otherwise are pretty equal. For example, if of the 100 men, 20 are short and overweight, then maybe their struggles at work etc., are caused by being overweight, more than being short. Another example: if of the 100 men there are 40 tall men who suffer from significant anxiety since early age, nothing to do with their heights.. that too needs to be taken into account: what if their struggles at work etc., has more to do with their pre-existing anxiety than with their heights?
In other words, for the studies to be accurate, there need to be 100 men of different heights (some short, others tall), but otherwise they need to have the same BMI, the same amount of anxiety, the same physical fitness, etc.,.. not to mention that nature of their individual workplaces need to be considered in regard to their work struggles (maybe an individual’s work struggles is a result of a terrible workplace?)
There are many, many themes to people feeling inferior to others: race, ethnicity, color of skin within the same racial group, height, weight, any one of the hundreds of facial and body features, a person’s tendency to blush.. or sweat too much.. a person’s education or lack of, a person’s financial status, a person’s marital status, a person’s job.. living on a mountain or in the city, and on and on and on.
“Has anyone else felt this sort of negative self-loathing about their height or any other physical characteristics which are beyond our control?… It is eating me alive“- more people than not feel dissatisfaction with their physical bodies. You are in the company of many millions of people. In regard to your self-loathing, it’s a step up from dissatisfaction, isn’t it.
Your dissatisfaction has risen to the level of an obsession that negatively affects your daily life: “I believe it’s my first true obsession.. I don’t know how to get rid of it or stop believing it“- you are now in the habit of comparing yourself to others etc., it is a mental habit, and like other habits, habits can be changed. It is not easy though.. to stop the brain from going again and again to where it habitually goes.
“there were times when I experienced racism as a young child from other children and really started to hate being Asian. I really wanted to fit in the Western society I was in and I longed to be white though I have overcome that now and am proud to be Asian“- I am proud of you for being proud being Asian!
“Have you ever experienced some similar things anita about aspects of yourself you couldn’t change that you didnt’ like?“- yes, one of them was my height. I felt that I was too tall when I was a teenager and young adult (5’5”/ 168 cm) because most boys/ men were the same height as me, some were shorter, and so, I felt unattractive for being too tall. I was in the habit of standing in such a way that I appeared shorter, and of course, I wore flat shoes.
We can continue to communicate if you’d like.
anitaSeptember 17, 2021 at 2:16 pm #386408
Thank you very much for the detailed response, I also just wanted to say I really appreciate your response and this discussion as I’ve always been too embarrassed to share this height insecurity in real life – so thank you.
And yes you make very good points about the studies – I should not take so much stock in them.
And yes also very good point on the themes of inferiority – I just need to learn to get better at accepting that I cannot change other’s perspective of me and to just go about my day. I will also try to stop this habit of comparison.
I’ll keep trying to work on this comparison habit and hopefully learn to not only accept my height but be proud of it as well. Hopefully one day…
And thank you for sharing as well Anita, I hope you feel better about your height now as well, societal expectations/valuations of our physical attributes can feel very frustrating/depressing at times.
I just wanted to finally say thank you so much for responding in such a caring and detailed fashion, you are a very kind soul and I really appreciate it 🙂
ShoobSeptember 17, 2021 at 2:33 pm #386409
The height of your grace and kindness is.. impressive, and in comparison (since you are inclined to compare): what is the value of emotional kindness in comparison to the value of physical height?
What is the value of a warm smile, in real life, a smile that says to the other person: I like you, thank you for being in my life!.. in comparison to how tall one is..?
If you have to compare, compare values that matter a lot, not physical features we are born with, features that don’t matter much.
You are very welcome, Shoob, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness. If you need help with breaking the comparison-habit and other mental habits, let me know. Maybe I will be able to help you.
anitaOctober 13, 2021 at 8:25 pm #387337
How are you, Snoob?