Hello

I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I am so desperate to get help as soon as possible as I cannot talk about this to anyone.

I met my now boyfriend “C” exactly 4 years ago, at the time none of us wanted a serious relationship, we were only talking from time to time, as we were 21 and 20 at the time, we had some other things going on but we had really good chemistry so we talked a lot.
In Dec 2014 I ended contact with him because I had feelings for another guy, and told “C” straight forward, since we were not really dating we just stopped talking, but things didn’t work with this other guy right away, so after 2 months in Feb 2015, I was in touch with “C” again.
We had a really strong connection and he was very open to me, he told me he had only one ex, her name is “D”, but they ended formally dating long ago, I don’t know the details, all I know is he didn’t like her way of being, she used to lie often, she kept things from him and the relationship of him with her parents wasn’t good. Although, they use to meet often for booty calls.

At the time, “C” was really invested in us, but he fast found out I still had contact with my first ex boyfriend, totally innocent, we just talked to check up on us, nothing sexual or romantic, and also found out that some times when “C” and I met in December (WE WERE ONLY FRIENDS TALKING EVENTUALLY AT THE TIME), I ended up hooking up with another guys. He found out of this in the early stage of us dating more seriously, around mid March 2015, he was completely devastated and ended things with me because I hid those things from him, couldn’t blame him. But I really liked him, I felt a very strong connection so I tried to get back together very hard. He didn’t make it easy, he said things were over and period, but after a while of talking constantly and me being honest and making promises, we got back together in the end of April 2015. I asked him to tell me if he had met up with his ex during our time apart as he used to do before we met. He said he didn’t meet her or talked to her.

I started to get suspicious after a night he went out and I picked him up from his friend house, he was drunk and his ex “D” called him, right after he picked up he said “Hello? I’m with “A” (my name), what do you want?” he was being very defensive, but he let her know I was listening up front, she just said “well I saw a missed call”, he called her a liar, and then I took the phone and asked her if she and him and unfinished business, she said no, that she had another guy already, we hung up and agreed to block her.
We went on a trip together at the end of June in that year, and I just knew something was off. Checked up his phone through, EVERYTHING, phone calls, Messenger, Facebook, Instagram, everything, couldn’t find a thing, so I moved to his phone pictures, where I found a screenshot of a conversation with her where he was telling her he had no battery and couldn’t call her. It was already when we had made up. I was broken, I had to confront him, I was in another city alone with him, I felt helpless and ended things right away, but still had to take an airplane back home with him. I was devastated because he made it so hard for me to be again with him because I lied and I talked to my ex, and he did the same thing to me, plus I don’t know for sure if they actually didn’t meet.

It took me months to regain a tiny bit of trust in myself, I was sure I was not going to recover my trust in him, but he really tried.
In July 2015, we split up again because of a stupid fight, and I was so mad that I talked back to another ex. We made up and he got so mad because at first I told him I didn’t talk to anyone, and then he found out that I did, even though we weren’t together, it was the lie that bothered him, and although we made up, we both erased all of our social media posts together (like teenagers, I know).
In August 2015 he left for an Exchange in Germany, we weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend, he didn’t want to start the “compromise” in such little time, he also said he was afraid I would let him down again and he would look stupid in front of everyone, but we talked every single day, we said I love you, we made promises that we would not date anyone else, or if we wanted, we would tell each other. There were Christmas gifts, Birthday presents, Valentine’s day roses sent, everything boyfriend and girlfriend would do, just not the title. It bothered me, yes, but I loved him and I kinda got why he was doubtful.

Although he was very possessive during his exchange year, he didn’t post a single picture of us in his social media, which bothered me much, and after long time of asking and hearing excuses like “I don’t like any of our photos anymore” “I’ll post one the moment I get back to you” “I look fat in those pictures, I’ve lost over 20 lbs since then”, he posted one with the caption “Concert day with her… #tb” no loving clues. It made me mad, but I eventually let it go.

He came back in July of 2016 (a full year away) and he posted a picture the minute he got home of us in the airport saying how much he loved and missed me. So I got calmed.
After that, we were going through a stage of re adapting, although we remained in touch during this whole year, people change.
We officially started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend in October 2016.
But right before this romantic dinner of us saying we were officially together happened, something else did:
He had a group work in college to do a Friday noon, but he disconnected from his phone, it seemed like he had turned it off, or ran out of battery, and my crazy thoughts appeared. I went to the college library (I studied there too), and he wasn’t there, I looked him in the parking lot where he usually parks (very small one) and his car wasn’t there. He definitely wasn’t there and phone was disconnected. After 4 hours, he eventually called while he was driving and said he had ran out of battery and left his charger at his car during the group work, I asked if he had been in college and said yes, I was devastated.
I told him I had gone there, and he called me crazy for spying on him, and told me I needed to get my stuff together, they had gone to do the work at a girl’s house and since she was a GIRL, he didn’t want to tell me. I didn’t believe but he swore and swore, and told me I needed to stop being paranoid and stalking him around. I asked the other guy whom he was with, if they were together, and minutes after that, “C” got a message from this guy, I’m suspecting they agreed to lie to me, but when I confronted him, he showed me the whole conversation and it was innocent just 2 dudes talking stuff, he even showed me the work they had made.  Up to this day, a part of me doesn’t believe him still.
Maybe I shouldn’t have believed him. But every time I have felt doubtful about him, he has shown me the truth,and then I feel silly for doubting. This thing of me being doubtful has been going on ever since, so it’s been almost 2 years.
We have had many issued because of this, he told me he wouldn’t be with me for so long if he wanted to be with someone else, there’s no point on cheating, that after they broke up they only met because it was “easy meat” for him, and at the moment, I kinda believe it, but then I get all psycho and can’t stop overthinking about all of this.
I go nuts, I sometimes have a full night of dreaming about his ex girlfriend (Whom I don’t even know in person)
I constantly check her up on her social media, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He has made several times an ultimatum saying I have to stop the overthinking and the blaming him, and bringing her up again, and doubting he was faithful during his exchange year, but it’s impossible. Every couple of months I find myself in that hole, overthinking about him meeting up with her when we had already made up, overthinking he cheated during his exchange year and that’s why he didn’t post anything of us, overthinking about that time were he went to do a school group work to a girl’s house, overthinking it all.
I love him and he loves me so much, we are very supportive to each other and the good outakes the bad, because he doesn’t know of this whole thing in my mind every 2 or 3 months haunting me down.

I hope someone has the time to read me.