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Insight on my past relationship

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #287531
    Alex
    Participant

    Hi, I am a new member here! I just joined yesterday.

    My boyfriend of 10 months just broke up with me 2 weeks ago, and needless to say, it left me heart broken. My brain went in circles and I was trying to figure out what I did wrong in the relationship. One thing was we never did a good job in communication. He is 17 and I’m 19. He wants to pursue a career in E-sports and becomes a competitive player. I supported his career track, but at the same time I was concerned that he should have a plan B in case since he dropped out early and never got a highschool diploma. Thus I tried to talk him into taking the GED, which according to many friends I have, is fairly easy and doesn’t need a lot of preparation. I really thought it would be really nice to take GED classes at local education center and practice for E-sports at the same time… I think the fact that I pushed it way too much was the breaking point of the relationship since I listened to my friend and gave him the ultimatum that if you don’t do it, I will leave. Now thinking back, I just thought it was so stupid of me to even do that since I thought he could be doing a lot of things with his time. I loved him and honestly I was just trying to look out for him in the future, but now I realised that wasn’t really healthy for me to do that.

    Yesterday his friend called me a manipulative bitch and told me to stay away from his life and I’m not welcomed anywhere… I was really hurt because I only thought of doing it out of love and care… not to exert my power over him or anything. This was my first relationship and I think I handled it pretty poorly. We had our happy moments, but it is sad because in the end, the bad outweighed the good. When we were still in it, I complimented him on things he did, I showed love by showing my appreciation for him, and whenever he said he felt like a failure because of dropping out I encouraged him that he had potential and he just needed time to develop it higher… I also visited him last month on Valentine’s, and he told me he had never been happier…

    My friends told me it wasn’t my fault because I was just trying to help him, but I don’t think I was since he didn’t really want to get the certification now and would rather wait for another year to do it. He still wanted me to be in touch and tried to keep me as a friend, but I left on my own and decided to take a break from social media for 2 months.

    I was wondering if anyone could give me some insights on my past relationship? For now, I have moved on and I want to learn…

    #287543
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Alex

    My friends told me it wasn’t my fault because I was just trying to help him

    I hope you don’t mind me pushing back a little. Were you trying to help him or change him? Ultimatums and such tend to point to issues of control not so much as support?

    #287545
    Alex
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Your name spooked me a little. I was trying to help him but at some point I felt like I was trying to change him since he did not want to do it. I really thought since he had so much time now it would be really nice to get it out of the way (GED thing). My friend who gave me the advice on this said that it will push him to get the certification out of the way but then it backfired and led to the breakup. At the time I didn’t really think smartly about it, and now I regret having done so. I just really thought the certification was something that would be beneficial and given how early it can be taken, getting it out of the way would be helpful in the long run.

     

    #287555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    I think that ultimatums of the kind you gave him, threatening the ending of a relationship, should be limited to abuse, as in: if you don’t enroll in an anger class, I will leave you. Or: if you call me names one more time, I will leave you.

    Having given him an ultimatum about taking GED wasn’t fair. If I was in his shoes, I will be thinking  that you are trying to control me, that I have to get your permission from now on for all my personal choices, otherwise you will leave me.

    anita

     

    #287559
    Alex
    Participant

    I just thought it was something important because it’s good for his future because he will always have a plan B.. I never intended to do harm or control him 🙁

    #287567
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    I  understand your motivation but it still was a mistake. It was your right to end the relationship for any reason, including his choice to not do the GED. But it is not a good practice to give ultimatums to a boyfriend/ husband when you are displeased with their choices. Imagine a boyfriend giving you an ultimatum, for example: if you don’t walk on the treadmill an hour per day, I will leave you. It doesn’t matter that it is healthy to walk every day, but you don’t want to be controlled this way.

    Learn from this mistake and reserve your ultimatums to serious things.

    We all make mistakes, at any age. You are only 19. Give yourself the permission to make mistakes and learn to not repeat/ to function better in relationships and otherwise.

    anita

    #287569
    Mark
    Participant

    Alex,

    The way of giving advice is asking if they want it first. If they don’t then drop it. Even though you may think you “know better”, it is up to each of us to take responsibility of our own lives.  You are not his mother. This is how we all learn for ourselves.

    Good for you for wanting to learn from your experience.

    Mark

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