Dear Alessa:

Thank you for sharing your experience—it’s truly insightful and meaningful.

As I read your post, I was deeply impressed by your strength, awareness, and practical approach to emotional management. You’ve come such a long way from emotional numbing, using therapy, meditation, and self-compassion to reconnect with your emotions while maintaining balance. Your approach could resonate deeply with others who struggle with overwhelming feelings and want to develop a structured way to process them.

Your ability to step back from emotions while remaining connected to them takes incredible strength and patience—I’m working on getting better at it myself.

I really appreciate your perspective on automatic negative thoughts—viewing them as habitual patterns tied to trauma rather than absolute truths. Separating conscious thoughts from intrusive ones is such a powerful way to loosen their grip, and your approach to assessing their reality is truly inspiring.

Meditation sounds like it played a key role in your journey. It’s amazing how you trained your mind to observe thoughts without being consumed by them—that kind of practice takes serious dedication. Self-compassion is something I’ve come to value deeply (though I’ve only started practicing it recently), and I completely agree that countering negative thoughts depends on treating ourselves with kindness.

You’ve done incredible work in reclaiming your emotional space—it really speaks to your resilience! And thank you for your encouragement. Rock on, Alessa!

Looking forward to more conversations with you!

anita

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! You have come a long way too.

These things are easier said than done. It is a long journey and I still have a way to go. I daresay it is the journey of a lifetime.

For me, it really has been essential to stop identifying with these automatic negative thoughts because it helps with stepping back and seeing the big picture. I’m still working on this too.

The way I think of it is that they are something that I don’t have control over. They do have an influence on emotions. But emotions pass and when I feel calmer, I feel like I have a more accurate rational perspective as opposed to an instinctual emotional one.

I would call myself a novice when it comes to meditation actually. It wasn’t that hard to do, it was very much made easy by the guidance of a very skilled teacher. It was harder to learn to apply some of the skills developed outside of meditation.

I really did struggle with meditation alone. I feel like I wouldn’t have been able to achieve the same results without the teacher. I was able to communicate the issues I was experiencing and they provided some helpful advise for navigating the problems.

It is difficult to say if one thing was key because it was all part of the puzzle. If I had to pick one thing that helped… I would say some pretty incredible people. I really do believe that the people in our lives help to shape our minds. I have learned so much from others. Yourself included Anita!

I would love to hear some more of your thoughts and experiences!

Dear Alessa:

I really appreciate the way you describe this journey—it truly is a lifelong process, and I admire your patience and self-awareness in navigating it.

Your approach to distancing yourself from automatic negative thoughts makes so much sense. Seeing them as something external rather than part of your identity is such a powerful perspective. I’d love to incorporate that more myself.

I completely agree that emotions pass and evolve—what feels overwhelming in one moment often looks much clearer once the intensity fades. That rational perspective you mentioned definitely emerges more easily when there’s space to step back and observe emotions rather than getting caught up in them.

It’s wonderful that guidance from a skilled teacher made meditation much more accessible for you. The right people at the right time can make such a profound difference in our lives—I really appreciate that insight.

And speaking of incredible people—you’ve shared some truly powerful reflections that have helped me see things in new ways too! I feel grateful for this conversation and the wisdom you bring.

I’d love to continue sharing thoughts and experiences with you! What’s something you’ve recently reflected on that has given you a new perspective?

anita

Dear Alessa:

I really appreciate your insights on emotions and parenting—it’s clear how much thought and care you’re putting into understanding your son’s needs. The way you describe the emotional support techniques makes a lot of sense, and it’s fascinating how distraction plays such a key role in helping him regulate his emotions.

Your observation about how adults are expected to manage emotions alone is a powerful one. It’s interesting how many of the approaches used for children could still be beneficial for adults, even if they’re rarely talked about that way.

As I read your reflections on the “terrible twos” phase, I recalled memories of my own mother throwing temper tantrums well into her forties—or fifties. This morning, I did some research about aspects of this phase extending into adulthood. Research suggests (I am paraphrasing), that the brain is most vulnerable to the effects of stress during early childhood—particularly from birth to around age 5. This is a period of rapid development, marked by an explosion of synapses (the connections between neurons via axons and dendrites) and the production of new neurons. During these early years, the brain is exceptionally plastic, meaning both positive and negative experiences can profoundly shape its development.

When a child experiences significant, chronic stress or trauma during this critical period, the resulting elevated stress hormones, such as cortisol, interfere with normal brain cell growth. This means that fewer brain cells are produced and the formation of neural connections is disrupted—resulting in fewer or shorter axons (which send signals) and dendrites (which receive signals). Such disruptions can affect key brain regions, like the prefrontal cortex, which is essential for decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation, as well as its connections with the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center.

In summary, while stress can affect the brain at any age, the early years are especially critical. Adverse experiences during this window can lead to long-lasting changes in brain structure and function that may influence behavior and emotional regulation well into adulthood—as I have experienced.

Fortunately, there is neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections and even generating new neurons (a process called neurogenesis). While neuroplasticity in adulthood does not reverse the structural and functional changes caused by significant or severe early trauma, it can lead to significant improvements in brain function and emotional regulation, improvements that I am making these days

I also admire your awareness, Alessa, of how certain things, like watching intense TV before bed, affect you. That kind of self-reflection is really valuable—it helps create balance while still allowing space for inspiration.

Thank you for sharing your insights and for inspiring me with your openness. I truly value our conversations and the way we can learn from each other. Please know I’m here to listen and support you as we both navigate this journey. I look forward to hearing more of your reflections

anita

Dear Peter:

“What if?”- (1) What if love really isn’t tied to time? Then there is nowhere to go, and no need to go anywhere, no need to change anything, undo or redo. Instead, rest in timeless love.

Not etched in hours, nor measured in years, Love woven in whispers that forever last. No clock can claim it, no dawn or dusk, It moves like breath—a quiet trust. Not what was, nor what will be, But all that is. A love that never stops or begins.

No past to carry, no future to chase, just now—an endless embrace.

(2) What if sadness is necessary for true kindness?- then I am truly very kind

anita

Hi Everyone

Happy Easter!

I really appreciate our conversations too Anita, I’m sorry for being so busy lately. There are some group projects I have to work on daily for my studies and they last until May. Yes, thank goodness for neuroplasticity! I’m sorry that you had to deal with your mother’s tantrums, it is not easy being the parent in a relationship for any child. I noticed how much growth you’ve been experiencing over the years, it is beautiful to see and entirely due to your hard work and compassion.

What a fascinating topic Peter, you’ve done it again!

It reminds me of something I’ve been reading into for child development called joint attention.

The idea is that by being present in the moment with people, being attentive to them, holding space for them, engaging with them is a key social skill.

Children get a lot of benefit from this, as do we all. But to learn it they need an adult to practice it with them. For children who don’t have that social input, they can struggle to develop these essential skills.

I didn’t really have that as a child. I remember as a child other people were completely alien to me. I didn’t understand them at all. I guess I didn’t really understand myself at all. How to manage my very strong emotions as a result of my trauma was a mystery to me. It is helpful for a child to have someone calmly and gently explaining social conventions, guiding them on how to interact with their environment.

Having a child is not intuitive for me. I don’t have a mothering instinct. I didn’t understand what he wanted. His behaviour was foreign to me as a newborn. I’ve had to do a lot of research to try to understand how to be a parent.

I think my work on emotional development with my son is starting to pay off. He is able to remove himself from situations that upset him which is a big milestone. For example, when I feed the dogs he is very curious about their food and tries to touch it. It upsets him when I take him away from it, but I want him to be safe and for the dogs to eat free from stress. Now he walks away and does something else, or he comes to get a cuddle while they eat. He always communicated how he likes to feel better when I was sad. All I did was tell him that I was sad and he brought me a book to read while he sat on my knee. And when he was sad he reaches for a book too. I love that he is coming up with his own self-care strategies already.

It is interesting to learn about the differences in people’s social preferences. I had never really considered it before. For each person, it is like learning a new language. And we all get along best when we co-operate and share experiences with each other.

Very true, Peter there is no guarantee that suffering will result in kindness.

I feel like a lot of people have difficulty understanding experiences that they have not had. Sometimes, not understanding an experience, then having it can be the door to empathy with experiences that are not immediately understood. The suffering that someone is experiencing is the most important part after all.

Sometimes, I find that suffering itself can be a transformative process. If the worst things have already happened and you are still here, what is there to be afraid of? What could possibly touch that? There is a freedom in the worst being behind you. Or in being able to cope with those circumstances. What is there to lose?

As someone who values the nature of learning and impermanence, I feel like that applies to me personally as well. Does love stymie growth? No. Not while growth comes from a place of love and not fear. Openness and curiosity, instead of shame.

Please forgive my rambling.

Dear Alessa:

Happy Easter to you too!

Thank you for your kind words—I truly appreciate our conversations as well. And no need to apologize; it sounds like you’ve been incredibly busy with your studies. Group projects can be demanding, but I hope you find some rewarding moments in them.

Parenting without a natural instinct is an immense challenge, but the way you’ve approached it—with research, patience, and determination—shows just how much love you bring to it. Seeing your son develop self-care strategies, learning to navigate emotions, and even finding comfort through books—it’s beautiful. His ability to remove himself from situations that upset him is an incredible milestone, and it speaks volumes about the guidance and security you’ve provided for him.

And no need to ask for forgiveness—your words are never rambling. They are insightful, meaningful, and always worth reading.

Wishing you a peaceful and fulfilling Easter weekend.

anita