A couple months ago, I officially introduced my boyfriend to my parents. They had been on the fence about him, because of his race. At the lunch table, my father asked my boyfriend how much he was making and all of his expense as the first question. My boyfriend worked around the question by saying he was doing fine financially. My father was fixated on the question and asked three times. After not getting a number, he started to throw a tantrum. He stopped talking or engage with anyone at the table. The lunch was pretty awkward. When my father was being sarcastic about how my boyfriend was able to answer his question without really answering, he suggested my boyfriend elect to the president and play politics etc.

That was the beginning of a lot of my thinkings about my relationship with my parents. They were very busy with work when I was little. I stayed with my grandparents until adolescence when I moved to live with them. I started to study abroad the second half of high school. Basically, I have been very independent since an early age. I have my own beliefs that may be very different from theirs.

My boyfriend felt my parents would not accept him based on how it went at the lunch table. My mother was playing nice at the lunch table, but my boyfriend believed my mom would ultimately take my father’s side. I thought with time, things would resolve.

Two weeks ago I was speaking with my mom on the phone. She said my grandparents asked her if I was dating anyone and she said no. I didn’t think much about it until after telling my boyfriend, he said his parents would never hide the fact he was dating and was happy to tell everyone about me. Then I realized it was about time to confront my parents and make it clear that they needed to respect my relationship and the person I was dating.

Last night I told my parents that if anyone asked if I was dating, say yes. My mom started nagging me about bringing my boyfriend home to meet my grandparents and extended families. I told her that last time went badly and I’m not ready to do that within at least 2 years.

My father became angry and said: “don’t come home then. Don’t ever come home. I don’t want to talk to you for the rest of my life. Cut all the contact and leave my life.” My mom said my dad was not being serious, but he said he was. My mom said I couldn’t tell my family I was dating and not bring my boyfriend home and that I didn’t care about family. Then I hung up.

I kept crying after hanging up. When I was in college, my father blocked me for months. I wasn’t able to reach him at first. Later my mom told me he blocked me. And I didn’t even know why. The wounds between my father and I are so deep that I don’t think we can ever be close again. My boyfriend said I might have to stop talking to them so they could step back and learn to respect my life. I wonder if things can get as ugly as we won’t talk until some catastrophic event took place.

I asked myself a couple times whether I was having conflicts with my parents because of my boyfriend. I heard a lot stories that parents didn’t approve a relationship and many years down the road the relationship collapsed. But every time the doubt arose, my rational told me my boyfriend was the sparkle but not the root. My parents left me alone when I was little and when they’re no longer busy with their jobs, they demand to become a big part of my life. They wanted to know everything but would freak out if anything was not what they expected. They wanted me to be that sweet daughter who was calling home every day when they showed up in my life twice a year when I was growing up.

There’re so many problems in our relationship. I sought therapy in college and read books on how to handle the emotionally immature parents. But now I just want to talk away. I think I’ll do just fine speaking with them twice a year.