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Intrusive Thoughts: Body Issues/Anger with family for teasing

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  • September 11, 2017 at 12:15 pm #168332
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nick:

    You wrote: “That said, I don’t think I’m 100% there yet”- and “facing the same thoughts again of ‘If these thoughts/incidents weren’t there, my life would be perfect'”-

    You practiced what I suggested. Did it work for you sometimes? If it did, keep practicing. It is the expectation of perfection that will trip you, trap you. As long as you expect something to work 100% of the time, you are having an unrealistic expectation. When you expect perfection, you are inclined to give up on the practice when it is not successful.

    Healing and managing distress is about continuing the practice of what works in spite of distress. It is about enduring lack of perfection and distress and adhering to the practice through the distress.

    anita

    February 21, 2018 at 11:37 am #193751
    Nick
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My apologies for not responding to your previous message. I learned to control these thoughts for a while. However, over the last week or so, these same thoughts about body issues/some of the described incidents have begun reoccurring. I have tried the exercises you mentioned, they work to an extent and I will try to get better at it, reminding myself I can’t expect perfection at all times.

    I have a few questions, that I was hoping you may be willing to answer. I think having a better understanding of a few things, can help me in the long run.

    -Why do you feel the mind fixates on things? I have various other things I could be stressing over, could this be a defense mechanism? These thoughts often take my full attention, while at work or watching TV.

    -I have had several intrusive thoughts, but the body issues always bother me the most. I often think “nobody else has to deal with these incidents, why me?” I haven’t been able to figure out why I think of this. Do you think talking to my family will help me out?

    -Often I think of certain incidents on body issue (such as the one with my mother) as “changing the course of my entire life” given that I started to get quite angry about them in my teen years. Do you feel that the incident with my mother is a symbol of sorts? How does symbolism in the mind work (if there is such a thing)? Also, my mom often came to my defense with my sister (described previously), yet I still get the most upset about the incident with her, as compared to ones with my dad or sister.

    -How common is it to have the types of experiences I described? Would they be classified as sexual abuse or assault at all, or just teasing?

    -Will it be possible to forgive, forget and move on? Would reminding myself that my family had no negative intentions help to this end? As I mentioned previously, I often regret how much time I have fixated on this topic, only causing me to think about it all the more, which ends up being a never ending cycle.

    Apologies if I wasn’t clear on something. I just had a lot that I think discussing with someone can help. Thank you again and I hope you’re doing well.

     

     

    –

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Nick.
    February 21, 2018 at 12:57 pm #193761
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nick:

    Welcome back to your thread. I will answer your questions, but with this note: I am not an expert on sexual abuse or sexual teasing. I am not a psychotherapist or a doctor of any kind or a professional of any kind. So keep that in mind.

    You asked: “why do you feel the mind fixates on things?”- anxiety, that is ongoing, unsettled, unresolved fear is happening in part of your brain (I am simplifying here), let’s call it the-feeling-part of the brain. Another part of the brain, the thinking-part, is trying to settle the anxiety in the feeling-part. The way it tries to settle the anxiety is by locating a problem and solving that problem. So it finds a problem and tries to solve it. When it fails to solve the problem it located, in absence of locating another problem, it fixates on the one it has.

    (I don’t see the fixation as a defense mechanism here but as the brain trying to solve a problem so to settle the anxiety).

    “.. the body issues always bother me the most… Do you think talking to my family will help me out?”- no, I don’t. The family members who created your problem by teasing you are not the people to go to for a solution.

    “Do you think that the incident with my mother is a symbol of sorts…”- I didn’t understand, a symbol of what? Maybe what she did bothers you more than what your father or sister did because she was/is your mother. A boy’s mother is more powerful in a boy’s life than a sibling, and in sexual issues, maybe more powerful than the father because she is female and you are male, and so it feels even more awkward to be teased by your mother than by your father.

    “How common is to have the types of experiences I described?”- I think they are unfortunately common enough. Your parents, and sister, individually expressed an excitement that people commonly have about sex, curious and excited to see other people’s naked bodies, and to find out people’s sexual practices. It is that common excitement and curiosity people have about naked bodies and sex that fueled the teasing you described, I think.

    “Would they be classified as sexual abuse or assault at all, or just teasing?”- In my view, what you described is sexual teasing. There were no sexual acts performed on you or such performed by you on family members. The teasing consisted of words said to you with a tone of voice and facial expressions indicating that common sexual excitement people have about sex. And so I won’t call it sexual abuse. I would call it sexual teasing that harmed you.

    “Will it be possible to forgive, forget and move on?”- it will help with those things if you moved away from all the people who teased you. When you see the same people who teased you as often as you do, the sight of them, the sound of their voices and various things about them remind you of the teasing. If you don’t see them, don’t hear them, it will be easier to not remember as often as you do.

    anita

     

     

    February 21, 2018 at 2:31 pm #193785
    Nick
    Participant

    Thank you for your quick response, anita.

    By symbolism, I meant it as one incident being representative of several incidents, that cause me the anxiety/uneasiness. That there is more to my anxiety than that one issue alone (ie incident with my mother). Does that make sense? I also have memories, for example, of being teased in the locker room or in school about body hair, or the shape of my belly button.

    I think I may face so much anxiety as I mentioned, because 1. I have spent so much time brooding over this exact topic over the years, and 2. This is not in line with my family overall, they are quite supportive in my daily life, and these incidents aside, I believe we have a great relationship.  This was why I suggested an honest conversation with them. This may be getting a bit repetitive, but what do you think I can do moving forward? I fully realize that you also have limits in how much you can help me out, and I sincerely appreciate all you have done so far.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Nick.
    February 21, 2018 at 2:41 pm #193793
    Nick
    Participant

    If I may also add, I think it also causes anxiety because of my habit of catastrophizing this situation, or taking it to an extreme, with my constant thoughts that this has either altered the whole course of my life, or thinking that my life would be perfect in the absence of these incidents.

    February 22, 2018 at 8:33 am #193891
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nick:

    You are welcome. To avoid repetition, you can read if you want our previous communication on your thread regarding suggestions I already made.

    You wrote: “they are quite supportive in my daily life, and these incidents aside, I believe we have a great relationship…my life would be perfect in the absence of these incidents.”-

    Tell me more about your great relationships with your parents in the past and in the present, will you? I would like to know more about what a great relationship with your parents means to you.

    anita

    February 22, 2018 at 8:46 am #193897
    Nick
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sure, I can do that. My parents have always been there for me, encouraging me to always strive for my best, but also reminding me that it is okay to make mistakes. As a child, if I ever had a problem in school or otherwise, they would do all they can to fix it. My sister and I grew up in a loving home, my parents were mainly gentle with us. They did all they could to make us happy, including extracurricular activities, good food, vacations, etc. They also taught us to value our education, and supported us to that end. At the moment, I am not financially stable, as I am applying to medical school (a year long process). My parents have allowed me to live with them since graduating from college almost two years ago, and also paid my application fees.

    That is the gist of it, that I grew up in a happy, supportive family. Please let me know if I can elaborate on something further.

    February 22, 2018 at 11:38 am #193951
    Mark
    Participant

    Nick,

    I look at dealing with negative thoughts this way.  When a thought (a belief) comes into my awareness that is disturbing/upsetting/fearful, I find it best to deal with it like I do in meditation.

    I observe it as if I was another person looking in on me and acknowledge it (“hello bad thought. thank you for coming but I don’t need you anymore”).  Then I can let it go (“goodbye bad thought, it’s time for me to get back to my breathing/meditation.”). You can substitute it with the positive thoughts like anita suggested.

    Additionally you can notice where the feeling shows up in your body ( gut, etc.) and breath into that part of the body until it dissipates.  I don’t try to push it away.  This way this process incorporates awareness of your body which is related to the issue you are struggling with.  This is part of the acceptance process, i.e. noticing where in your body and allowing that feeling to be there.

    Make sense?
    Mark

    February 22, 2018 at 12:59 pm #193965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nick:

    If you’d like, you can elaborate on the following:

    How did your parents encourage you to strive for your best, can you give an example or two?

    How did they let you know that it is okay to make mistakes, an example or two?

    You wrote that your parents were mainly gentle with you. When they were not gentle, how were they, what kinds of harshness did they display at those times when they were not gentle?

    * I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours. Take care, Nick.

    anita

    February 22, 2018 at 4:41 pm #193997
    Nick
    Participant

    Mark,

    Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I have tried that technique before, and am working on getting better at it. When it doesn’t quite work, is there anything you suggest?

    Anita,

    To answer your questions of parents encouraging me to strive for my best:

    -From a young age, I was taught that education is valuable and good grades will get you far. Overall, I have done quite well in school, graduating at the top 5% of my high school class and then getting into my dream college.

    -In high school, there was a high-level regional position I wanted to be elected to. They encouraged me to go for it, and were willing to help me out as much as they could.

    Being okay to make mistakes:

    -In high school, I once got a B in a course. I had wanted to graduate with a perfect 4.0, but my dad (a professor) told me it was okay. He said that this could be a great learning experience, and teach me the value of resilience. Some time later, he told me he was proud of me for moving forward and not letting it bring me down.

    -In college, I struggled with some courses and often grew frustrated. My mom often reminded me that I was trying my best, that pre-med courses are supposed to be hard, and that I should be proud of what I have accomplished.

    -I was never good with athletics. I have memories of performing below the curve in tennis, soccer, swimming, etc. but my parents never let me feel disappointed about that.

    Gentleness

    -My parents never hit me, and rarely yelled at me. In fact, I occasionallt joke with them about how my sister and I were never disciplined/how we aren’t scared of them.

    -They did, at times, talk to me in a stern voice and made their disappointment clear to me. For example, when I was younger I had a habit of lying for which they would scold me in a serious, although not loud, voice. Another example of stern lecturing occurred when I was not doing well on standardized tests in high school (SAT, AP)and was putting (in their eyes) too much attention to certain extracurricular activities.

    Please let me know if I can clarify anything further. I hope you have a great evening.

     

    February 23, 2018 at 12:51 am #194013
    Mark
    Participant

    Nick,

    It’s a persistence thing.  Like anything, it’s a practice.

    There is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well as mindfulness among other practices.

    Mark

    February 23, 2018 at 3:42 am #194021
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nick:

    I am asking you these questions because I am trying to understand your anxiety better, and  I think that there  is something  to look at outside the “Body issues/Anger with family for  teasing”  (the title  of your thread and what you and  I have been focused on  all along). If you want  to continue this exploration, you can answer more  questions:

    1. June 20 last year you wrote: “there other  times  where I  am personally bothered by things  I  did  or  said  to my family in my teens that  wasn’t nice”- what were  those things  you did and said, how old were  you, how often?

    2. Yesterday you wrote: “when I was  younger I had a  habit  of lying  for  which they would  scold  me”- what did you lie about and  why?  Tell me more  about that habit-of-lying.

    3. You wrote yesterday: “in high school, I  once  got a B in a course. I had wanted to graduate with a  perfect 4.0”- why do you think you wanted a perfect 4.0, do you know?

    4. Tell me more about  your relationship with your mother early in your life, before she teased you and  unrelated to teasing you. Were you angry at her, and  if so, what was that about? Were you angry at your father?

    anita

    March 7, 2019 at 5:58 am #283455
    Nick
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I hope you are well. I apologize for being intermittent on this thread. I have been trying to work through issues on my own, following your advice as well as other practices. However, I was wondering if it may be possible for us to continue an exploration into my anxiety? If so, I will go ahead and respond to your previous questions from last February. I will understand if you have too much on your plate at the moment and are unable to do anything further with my thread.

    Thank you,

    Nick

    March 7, 2019 at 7:25 am #283467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nick:

    Welcome back. It is fine with me that you took a break and are back, you are welcome today and any day to be back here!

    Yes, please do share more, answer questions I asked that may be relevant to the issue and anything else, take your time. Following your next post I will review our communication so far, read your most recent post and reply to you.

    anita

    March 11, 2019 at 7:33 am #284049
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Nick,

    I have experience with Intrusive Thoughts and they can truly be debilitating.

    It’s helpful to understand what an intrusive thought is and why we have them. It may also be comforting for you to know that the most common topics of intrusive thoughts are religious and sexual of nature. You didn’t divulge the extent of your intrusive thoughts and I wouldn’t want to press upon your sensitivities, but just know that no matter how dark your thoughts are, you are not alone and it is very common.

    Do know that I have experienced what you’re going through and the solution that helped me, may be surprising.

    Firstly, Intrusive Thoughts are a component of OCD and are most common in people with extremely high morals. If we have a thought we fundamentally disagree with, we push it away out of repulsion. But, the act of resisting a thought actually causes those thoughts to come back. It can be incredibly distressing. Particularly when the subject matter is of a highly sensitive nature.

    Stress is a precursor Intrusive Thoughts. The brain perceives a threat to your survival and therefore signals to you that you’re in danger, by way of intrusive thoughts. You then get trapped in a totally illogical cycle because the only ‘danger’ you’re in is the distress produced by the thoughts your brain is producing!

    Here’s what transformed my experience:

    Managing stress levels, respecting my limits and pulling away when things get too much. Exhaustion and poor quality sleep increase anxiety and therefore intrusive thoughts, so getting enough rest is paramount.  Eating foods rich in probiotics (Your gut is your second brain and regulates mood). Interestingly, the Solar Plexus chakra, while a mental chakra actually regulates emotions, so when the Solar Plexus chakra is inharmonious (closed or chaotic), it indicates extreme emotional conditions.

    Not resisting the thought. What you resist persists. It’s extremely difficult but if you allow yourself to have the thought and not react to it, disenaging completely, you allow the ‘life cycle’ of the thought to complete, therefore breaking the cycle.

    Inner Child work. Active dialogue with the intrusive thought. I came across this quite naturally and found that I resolved many root beliefs that fed into my Intrusive Thoughts, in doing this. When I dialogued with the Intrusive Thought, I’d be transformed to the originating scene in my childhood and be able to comfort and reason with my inner child.  However Robert Johnson, a jungian pyschologist, asserts caution with this method and potentially working with a therapist to do this, as some of the imagery that comes up can be intense. His book Inner Work is an interesting look at working with subconscious imagery.

    But here’s the crucial part:

    The ‘topics’ of intrusive thoughts that I’d fed an extraordinary amount of fear into (family related also), were stored within my energy field, creating form and density. In the same way trauma is held physiologically, so too are thoughts and emotions, if their proper flow is interrupted and they become stuck.

    I was working with an incredible healer who quite literally saved my life twice, during intense episodes of intrusive thoughts. She removed the fear based energy from my energy field and from that point forward those topics never bothered me again. I was totally clear of them. She inspired me to become a healer because I had first hand experience in how powerful and transformational it is.

    Manging Intrusive Thoughts is a holistic process which must be approached from many different angles. But please, if they become too much please seek professional medical help as medication can at least pacify them to some degree. Meditation doesn’t resolve them but is necessary to get through the rough patches.

    I hope some of this is of some help!

    Emma

    http://www.emmavergara.com

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