Dear Taylor:

“I guess that’s how anxiety works, you just want the answer. I get impatient to know if someone is going to work for me or not, but it’s obviously not that black and white“- the someone who is going to work for you is the kind of someone who is honest and straightforward, a black-and-white kind of man when it comes to certain things. Otherwise, you’d be confused and anxious.

“I do struggle with what the ‘appropriate’ response is as you say. I feel like I can’t trust myself to know what behaviors will lead me to a healthier place, or will be digestible by the person on the receiving end“- I think that you will struggle way less in regard to an appropriate response if you are interacting with an appropriate man for you: one who is honest and straightforward.

“It could be that you’re right in this case I should have just ignored him – problem was he was still contacting me, and I don’t feel comfortable ghosting people“- if you knew that he was contacting you for the purpose of using you selfishly/ taking advantage of you, you wouldn’t feel badly about ghosting him, would you?

It’s important to figure out the man’s motivation in contacting you. You can ask a man in a straightforward way: what is your motivation with me, what is it that you want? and listen to his answer (or lack of answer.. which would be answer enough).

“I guess this comes back to boundary-setting“- boundary setting with a motivationally compatible man would be very different from boundary setting with a motivationally incompatible man.

“– do you suggest just asking people to stop contacting you when you start seeing evidence that are ‘a little bit interested, but not that much’?“- if you are looking for a monogamous, committed relationship with a man, and he is looking for occasional sexting or hookups, then yes, tell him to stop contacting you due to.. a significant difference in motivational compatibility.

“This brings things back to the original title of my post which is how to know if it’s my own insecurity with normal fluctuations in interest, and it scares me that I’m pushing away good people who really are interested“- there are normal fluctuations in interest in men who are only interested in hookups and in men who are interested in monogamous, committed relationship. Everyone’s interest fluctuates in regard to any topic.

* from previously: “I told him that I get anxious when I feel like connection is inconsistent and that I need reassurance that he’s still interested… it’s been 2 days and he hasn’t responded“- you did not push away a good person in this case. You pushed away a man who does not care about how you feel and what you need (if he cared, he would have responded in the last few days).

Yesterday, I commented on the above quote: “you talked to him as if there’s been a long-term relationship with him going on, years-long. What you told him was probably too much/ too heavy for him”. I am editing and adding today: you talked to him as if he cared how you feel and what you need. Seems to me that this is a man who is interested in a very casual on-again, off-again relationship with you, so hearing about what you feel and need beyond the casual would be indeed too much/ too heavy for him.

But what is your loss in it being too much for him?

You lose a casual on-again, off-again thing, that’s all. Not a real loss, is it?

anita

double posting, I think- see my post submitted 3 minutes before yours..?

You are welcome then❤️& 😊!

anita

I’ve been through a bad marriage and a few bad relationships before that, so I’ll comment from that perspective.  From my first breakup in HS to my divorce almost 40 years later, I’ve learned the best and only solution is to embrace yourself and your talents and good qualities.  If you have supportive friends, lean on them for encouragement.  After a breakup, I never focused on finding someone else or salvaging the previous relationship.  I put my energy into school, friends, a career, hobbies—whatever was important depending on the stage of life I was in.  I ended up with some good jobs and a career, and now that my nest is empty, a new home in a new town with all kinds of hobbies and opportunities, none of which involve dating, and I stopped actively “looking” after that first HS breakup.  I met my following boyfriends and then my ex through friends or parties, etc.  I didn’t seek out relationships.

I’ve also learned to trust my gut.  When something feels off, it is.  This can be with romantic partners, friends, jobs, etc.  I also dealt with the emotional distance before the end of a relationship.  That was my signal things were probably ending.  Before I was married, I was able to move on right away.  When my marriage started going bad, I had a child and the stability of a roof over our heads, etc.  Because we weren’t being physically abused, I stayed only because of the stability.  However, I emotionally checked out, while of course appearing to outsiders that everything was okay.  Shortly after the nest emptied out, he left.  I had a breakdown because it was so sudden, but once I started therapy (I checked into the hospital the next day), things started falling into place pretty quickly.  With continued therapy, I filed for divorce and started taking steps to put my life back together.  After the divorce was finalized, I moved and started pursuing new roads and hobbies, and aside from occasional stresses or sadnesses like losing loved ones or unplanned expensive home repairs, I’m in a great place, thank God.

In your situation, please look for happiness and fulfillment outside of relationships.  Find a job, career, hobby, etc. that really makes you happy.  Take a class(es) in something you’re interested in.  These are things you can control and depend on, unlike another person where you’re subject to their whims and moods.  If it ends up you meet someone on this path, you can assess whether this person is the best for you, using your gut feeling and confidence in yourself.  If you have supportive friends, they will also help you on this journey.  Your priority now is to build up your confidence through learning and exploring life, so you’re not as vulnerable to people taking advantage of you.  This also could apply to toxic friendships or jobs.  Of course with work, we all need the paycheck, but exploring options outside of work or a healthy distraction away from work also help.  If you have the time and dedication to take care of a pet, get one or more.  Few things are more heartwarming than seeing your friend waiting for you at home after a tough day.  And you get unconditional love and snuggles and someone to listen to your problems and frustrations.

Finally, please don’t evaluate your relationships or love life by what people you know have or what you see in rom-coms.  None of us know what goes on in the privacy of people’s homes, good and bad, and movies and books are created in a writer’s imagination, no different that superhero stories.