Is he being honest with himself and me?

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This topic has 88 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 21, 2019 at 9:21 am #294937

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

Here is A problem: you wrote six days ago about him, “He liked the idea of me partying, sleeping with others”. Yesterday you wrote, addressing him, “don’t tell me about your other flings, I don’t want to know”.

To put it bluntly, when he sees you, he sees your vagina in clear focus while your heart and mind are blurry in the background. When you see him, you see his heart and mind in clear focus. In other words, his focus is your vagina and your focus is his heart.

See a problem here?

And how does it feel, to know that there is so much going on in your mind and heart, thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams and all these are not important to him; how does it feel when your heart and mind are being ignored while your.. well, you get my point.

anita

May 21, 2019 at 9:59 am #294941

Julia
Participant

Anita,

I don’t agree that he doesn’t care about my thoughts and feelings and all he sees is my vagina. I don’t think it’s fair to say about him.

If that was the case he’d continue having sex when me and leading me on, and he cares to be clear and blunt about it. I know (he told me many times and I can feel it) that he very much enjoys having sex with me, so I think he’s trying to be fair by not giving me false promises because he cares about my feelings. He also told me that and I believe him.

May 21, 2019 at 10:02 am #294943

Julia
Participant

Anita,

I think there’s a lot going on in his heart and mind as well (with the whole boxes and moving apartments) and I think I pushed him too much when giving gf vibes. I can see it clearly now. I think he (and I) could absolutely develop deep connection with time if we gave it time.

I want to back off now and if he enjoys having sex and each other company, we can continue doing just that.

May 21, 2019 at 10:19 am #294947

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

I want to understand better, therefore I ask:

1. When you wrote yesterday: “it doesn’t matter what he wants, it’s time for me to think about what I want… I think this is over.”- what did you mean yesterday by “this is over”?

2. You wrote a few moments ago: “I don’t agree that he doesn’t care about my thoughts and feelings and all he sees is my vagina”. I agree. What I wrote to you a post ago is: “he sees your vagina in clear focus while your heart and mind are blurry in the background”. I may be wrong about it. Do you think he sees your mind and heart are his focus?

3. Does it bother you that he has sex with other women and that with one of them, one who saw only twice he felt a better connection with her than he did with you, it having felt more right, for him?

anita

May 21, 2019 at 10:44 am #294953
Julia
Participant
Anita,

Thank you for asking the hard questions. Before I answer I want to preface with this: I’m clearly is/was confused about how I feel too. I’m more and more inclined to think that I started to be confused b/c he started bringing up this “emotions and feelings” talk out of the blue and I thought he was falling for me and was projecting his feelings. I still think that at times.

But I also thought heard when you said that emotions can be controlled and I could pull away. So, even if I felt something for him (either on my own or as a result of him asking questions), I think I’m more clear now that he’s not the right person for me as a bf (hence my posts earlier about not seeing him as inspiring, etc.)

So I don’t know if this was/is love for one or both of us that we’re trying to kill and turn to just infatuation (because we can control our emotions) or it was/is infatuation that we’re getting to the love level. I don’t know what is what anymore, and what comes first, what is induced because one wants to feel a certain way, because it’s mutual, etc.

So to answer you:

1. I think this is over in my mind, I don’t want to feel hurt so I won’t be allowing myself to get sucked in deeper emotionally. I do enjoy sex with him and I think I can keep it on that physical level. If not, I will walk away.

2. I don’t know at this point. At times I felt he did, at times I felt he was in love with me even, now I don’t know. His words: he doesn’t feel the deep connection and the trip won’t change that.

3. I’m trying to learn not to care, I do want to get to the point to only be FWB and enjoy sex with men w/o being emotionally sucked in it (like I do with the other guy). It did bother me and I was open about it. But now, not as much. And if I don’t have to know about it, even better. I want to stop feeling jealous in general, I’m working on it. The fact he felt more connected with someone else (if that’s true) has nothing to do with me, my self worth, her being better, etc. It has to do with timing, the perception, maybe the fact they are a better match (which just means he’s not a match for me, again nothing to do with me as a person).
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
May 21, 2019 at 12:46 pm #294969

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

In your recent post you read clearer to me than ever before, I like that. After my last post to you, I went for a long walk outside and cleared my mind. I realized that I made a couple of mistakes in my thinking earlier today.

One mistake was the all-or-nothing thinking: a man who loves a woman does not always focused on her mind and heart, sometimes he is focused only on her body, only on sex. Meaning a loving husband, let’s say, devoted to his wife, listens to her thoughts and feelings, sometimes is singularly focused on her body and on nothing else.

Second mistake I made was inaccurate projection: I didn’t have in mind what you shared with me about this man and instead I had in mind my own past experience. Next, I got angry at certain men in my past, and angry at myself. Next I projected my anger and frustration to you, angry at you and urging you to not be… the stupid woman I was.

Now that I cleared my two mistakes, back to you and this man: you shared things that indicated to me that he did have feelings for you outside of sex, for example helping you move and spending time with you not having sex, he talking about his feelings and so forth. I still believe he is in some transition period, figuring out what-is-what (the boxes analogy I brought up before). He has not perfected yet the definitions of FWB, he is figuring it out. Maybe you got confused simply because he presented to you a confused definition, or a non-definition, of FWB.

Regarding your clarity: in your most recent post you wrote the following:

1. “he’s not the right person for me as a bf”.

2. “I do enjoy sex with him and I think I can keep it on that physical level. If not, I will walk away… I do want to get to the point to only be FWB and enjoy sex with men w/o being emotionally sucked in it”.

3. “His words: he doesn’t feel the deep connection and the trip won’t change that”.

You know what you want: you want to experiment with the FWB type relationships and you do have a clear definition to it: “sex with men w/o being emotionally sucked in it”.

He is confused, you are not. But according to what he told you (#3) he is getting better at figuring out the FWB definition, stating that he doesn’t feel deep connection and believes he will continue to not feel it.

anita

May 21, 2019 at 1:19 pm #294975

Julia
Participant

Anita,

I agree with everything you said. And no worries in terms of projects, we all do that.

1-3 Yes this is what I want. I’m clear on that.

“Re: he is getting better at figuring out the FWB definition, stating that he doesn’t feel deep connection and believes he will continue to not feel it” We’ll see if that’s the case after I tell him I only want FWB tonight. If I notice he develops feelings I will walk away. Wdyt?

May 21, 2019 at 1:24 pm #294981

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

I like your clarity! You are seeing him tonight? (and what is “Wdyt”?)

anita

May 21, 2019 at 1:40 pm #294985

Julia
Participant

Anita,

Thank you! 😀 I hope I won’t lose it after I see him. Yes tonight (a bit anxious).

Wdyt = What do you think? 🙂

May 21, 2019 at 1:44 pm #294987

Julia
Participant

Anita,

What I was trying to say is that sometimes we want what we don’t/can’t have (or we think we want). That’s a case for me sometimes. So if he does develop feelings after i put him in my “FWB” box, I will need to have strength to cut it off (and for him to admit it).

May 21, 2019 at 2:31 pm #294993

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

Mind games, reads to me. I don’t like mind games. Be clear with yourself and be clear with him, tell him just what you wrote here, in your most recent post, tell him that. wdyt?

anita

May 21, 2019 at 2:46 pm #294997

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

Developing my thought from above: make this FWB attempted relationship something of value beyond the purely physical; make it purely honest, straightforward, nothing hidden, physically and emotionally. So you re-enter this beginning FWB relationship and you say, aim: no emotional investment, therefore, no dishonest manipulations, no pretenses, no lies, nothing but straightforward … nakedness of body, heart and soul !

anita

May 21, 2019 at 2:52 pm #294999
Julia
Participant
Anita,

I will do exactly that.

How do I know if he develops feelings? What if he won’t tell me?
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
May 21, 2019 at 3:27 pm #295007

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

I am not sure you read both of my recent posts, did you?

“How do I know if he develops feeling?”- what if he does? You are not interested in him as a boyfriend. Let him know that, make it very clear, and make it clear to him that part of you wants him to fall in love with you even though you are not interested in him as a boyfriend. Tell him you are intrigued, curious, but you don’t want him for a traditional relationship. Make it clear to him.

FWB as I understand it, thanks to my communication with you, is not about not developing feelings, it is about not being invested in those feelings, that is, having no future plans with the FWB.

– You don’t want a future with him. (or.. do you?)

* I may be away from the computer for the next 15 hours. I will check to see if you answer before take my break.

anita

May 21, 2019 at 3:55 pm #295009
Julia
Participant
Anita,

I didn’t. I read it just now.

“– You don’t want a future with him. (or.. do you?)” No, I don’t think I do.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Julia.
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